


All The Shattered Ones

by BritishGirlWhoWrites



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Riverdale (TV 2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Antoinette Topaz Is An Angel Who Deserves The World, Cheryl needs a hug, Deserve The World, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m Awful At Tags, Recovery Storyline We’ll Never Get, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Toni Needs A Hug, Toni Topaz Needs a Hug, Wow This Is Looking Dark, cheroni, choni
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-04-18 02:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 87,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14202582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BritishGirlWhoWrites/pseuds/BritishGirlWhoWrites
Summary: She knew for a fact that Cheryl wasn’t okay. She hadn’t been for a long time. And Toni stares at her beautiful yet tear-stricken face, hoping that there’s something – anything – she can do to help her.-Takes place in 2.17 after Cheryl is rescued from SoQM. Because no way is she going to be perfectly fine after that. Also where Toni isn’t just there for moral support and has a life too.-Title: Trading Yesterday - Shattered





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Last episode kind of resulted in four chapters being semi-written.
> 
> One of those chapters then deciding to delete itself thanks to the beautiful nature of Notes. But we’ll try to get over that.

She wasn’t going to ask that stupid question.

_No._

She knew for a fact that Cheryl wasn’t okay, and any answer coming from her end which denied that was going to be one big fat lie. Because how could anyone who had spent a haunting week and a half in a derelict, barely-legal asylum sent to by her mother – someone who’s meant to love and care for their daughter regardless of any factors – be okay?

It had been a haunting experience for Toni, too. The stench of filthy and rotting walls, pieces of the ceiling and plasterboard lying on the dusty floor, the blank stares through emotionless eyes, and whatever else she’d noticed but was trying her hardest to forget. She’d been there for a mere fifteen minutes, occupied by frantically searching the lonely corridors and grey-painted rooms, adrenaline thankfully blocking out any detailed observation, yet the images would remain in her head for a long time for sure. Cheryl had been there for nine days – maybe ten, but at least nine – and she dreaded to think of how detailed and memorable her experiences of the place were. How much damage had been done. If that could ever be repaired.

Cheryl hadn’t been okay for a long time. Toni could see that. There had been a glimpse of sadness lingering in her eyes that day of the street race, probably the first time she had ever seen Cheryl. Beautiful, yet sad, with barely visible bruises around her ankles as if she’d fallen whilst walking on stilettos. Later, she’d found out that only two days before she had been roofied, narrowly yet fortunately escaping before things became even more devastating. Since moving to Riverdale High she’d noticed more about the redhead. Picked up on the tiniest details embedded in her every action. How she’d always walk the halls alone, constantly inspecting her long ruby fingernails as if she were trying to pretend that she was occupied. How she stood on her phone in front of the same sink in the same bathroom every single lunch time. How fake that damn smile she wore was.

She didn’t understand how no one else noticed that. You shouldn’t be smiling when your father has killed your brother.

At least now, halfway along some wooded road miles from Riverdale with the only light coming from the crescent moon and the headboard of Kevin’s truck, she wasn’t smiling. She wasn’t denying it. And even though it was nice, _refreshing_ maybe, it was just another indication at how broken she really was. Her leather jacket drapes over the redhead’s shoulders as she either shivers or trembles and stares sadly out of the window to the road illuminated by bright white headlights, drooping eyes no longer holding back the silent tears which had been falling for the past ten minutes with no effort being made to wipe them away. And Toni just stares at her beautiful yet tear-stricken face, hoping that she really will be okay soon, hoping that there’s something – _anything_ – she can do to help her.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - minor suggestion of alcoholism.

Veronica winced from the passenger side of Kevin’s truck as she watched the pink-haired Serpent spin back around and punch the front door of her uncle’s ground floor apartment with quite possibly enough force to break her fist, the door, or both. It wasn’t the first time someone had punched something at Cheryl’s sake; in fact, she didn’t remember a time where saving Cheryl _didn’t_ involve a few punches being thrown.

The redhead was now curled in the seat behind her, Toni’s leather jacket hugged close to her chest as if in some desperate attempt to keep warm (even if the material frankly wasn’t going to do an awful lot on that front). Exhaustion had taken over half an hour ago, the only sounds after that being the quiet rumble of tyres on tarmac and the occasional sighs of the three other people in the vehicle.

It reminded Veronica of that drive home from the Open House. That drive home from Sweetwater River. This was just yet another devastation in this tiresome calamity called life itself.

This time, though, they weren’t heading to the Pembrooke; in actual fact, they didn’t really have any idea where they were heading. Toni’s primary suggestion of taking Cheryl to her uncle’s house was evidently not going to plan, and with everything going down with the Lodge’s at the moment there was no way her parents would let her turn their house into a refuge for broken redheads for the third time in four months.

Not to mention how she was supposed to be fast asleep in bed right now – God forbid, her parents _thought_ she was fast asleep in bed right now.

If they had any idea that she was spending her Thursday morning sat in a truck in the southside, she’d be a dead woman. That was if she didn’t end up being killed here first, of course. She’d been around these parts before – the day they found Mustang dead in that bathtub in the run-down motel just across the street. In broad daylight it felt as if someone would mug her, but in the dead of night it was terrifying. These run-down buildings weren’t anything like her penthouse apartment, practically a palace in comparison to this place, and it made even the roughest parts of the East Village seem like a dream.

She considered asking Kevin if he knew of the average number of murders occurring in these parts annually, but then she remembered that the northside wasn’t all that safe and sound either; in fact, she hadn’t spent a single month in this town where there hadn’t been a killer on the loose. In bitter reality, the danger level seemed pretty even between the two sides, meaning that she shouldn’t have been so scared of what lurked in the shadows created by the flickering yellow streetlight. After all, the van was locked and Toni had a switchblade... right? Even if she didn’t, there were a dozen or so glass bottles lined almost militarily by the door with the potential to be thrown at any source of danger?

She’d figured that those bottles weren’t there without significance. Of course they wouldn’t be. They may have been the reason why – or at least _a_ factor into why – that door wasn’t budging, why Toni’s knuckles were grazed from the rough surface they had made contact with less than a minute ago. It made Veronica realise how little she actually knew about the Serpent girl. They shared a few classes and had mutual friends (or at least people they shared circles with), but whenever they’d spoken before it had never really been about themselves. Maybe it was better that way considering the current game of _Monopoly: Riverdale Edition_ in which her father was storming ahead and everyone else was barely past ‘go’, inevitably resulting in constantly increasing north-south tensions, but even so, that was now only an excuse considering the north-north tensions and lack of trust coming from even her closest friends at the cost of her parents’ actions.

Perhaps that made the two girls similar in a way; with Veronica the daughter of a criminal and Toni an assumed criminal, neither were exactly on even terms with their classmates.

Cold air blew in as the back door opened, Toni slumping in before closing it as softly as its heavy weight would allow against her tiny build, cautious not to disturb the sleeping girl she loved and cared for so much despite the rage inside consuming her.

Any other night, her uncle locking her out would be almost fine; at least she was more than used to it – that pang of hatred and frustration like a blow to her chest, followed by knocking on random doors until someone answered or just going and sleeping on the ragged old couch in the back room of the Wyrm. But she couldn’t take Cheryl to the Wyrm. Tonight, she couldn’t knock on random doors. The only better option in this situation would be her grandfather, but it was too late for that at one in the morning.

The fact that it was one in the morning was enough to rule out almost every option.

White light illuminated the vehicle through the long cracks in the black phone screen, her fingertips landing on the contact with a snake emoji along with the one of two swords next to the name. The swords didn’t mean much, other than the fact that everyone in her contacts was given two emojis and that it kind of suited him in some sort of obscure, hard-to-describe way (maybe just his obsession with video games was the main influence in that) but the snake spoke a thousand words and every one of their synonyms. Family. Company. Loyalty. Support. Stoutheartedness. So on. And most of the other people with a snake emoji next to their name would have opened the door without a care in the world for her. They’d done that more times than quantifiable. But this time Cheryl was involved, and what she to the Serpents other than the sister of the body they helped hide and the daughter of the man who threatened them if they said anything that suggested he was to blame for his murder?

Sweet Pea – putting it lightly – wasn’t much of a fan of northsiders. In fairness, not many southsiders were fans of northsiders, but Sweet Pea was the guy who had plotted to blow up the Register back in November. At the same time, he was her best friend and realistically the only secure option left. There was always Fangs and he’d probably be twice as accepting, but calling him was out of the question considering how only a couple of days ago he’d been left with no choice but to pass his phone into the hand of a Ghoulie before the hand of a Ghoulie passed a bullet through his skull. Besides, she didn’t want to disturb his younger brothers.

The decision had basically been made for her.

So she pressed the screen, watching it turn from white to black, and waited for the sound of a familiar voice.

And if he didn’t pick up – or he _did_ pick up but declined – then... then some unlocked car it would be until morning, along with some heavy sanctions placed on him for breaking a law or two.

It rang four times before the tone cut to interfered, breaking. Twenty seconds of praying for the voice she needed to hear. Twenty seconds of fretting about what to do next. Twenty seconds of the nervous tapping of chipped fingernails on black denim.

“Hey,” she sighed, or perhaps released the of the breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding all this time, “No questions asked, we need a place to stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you a ton for leaving comments, kudos and bookmarks so far, every read means the world and I can’t thank you enough. <3


	3. Chapter 2

The whole situation felt almost like the opening scene of a TV show. Something fictional which real people would cry over, because no way could real life be _this_ tragic. 

But it was real, and that was the worst bit about the whole fucked-up situation.

Life had never even tried to be kind to either them. It was as if someone was purposely giving them tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. Cheryl had only ever encountered negativity, her life just one long timeline of constantly worsening abuse, loss and hatred, or more so a cycle – infinite pain, no corners available to be cut, something she was trapped in forever.

Wrapped in ragged blankets, dressed in mismatch items of clothing picked from corner of Sweet Pea’s trailer allocated to Toni’s stuff (mainly consisting of borrowed items she was yet to return and whatever she could get cheap from thrift shops, markets, sales), in some random residential metal box was not how many teenagers would spent their weeknights (or, more accurately, early mornings), but to Toni it was a regular occurrence. Maybe having the once-richest girl in town seated to her left wasn’t as common a sight in comparison to the other thing, but late nights and fluctuating houses weren’t rare for the shorter girl. She kept that reality hidden from almost everyone; pity parties were occasions to be ran from, and right now the only thing on her priorities list was making sure Cheryl was okay (in some sense and form, anyway) and as safe and far away as possible from that witch called her mother.

For that, she’d count all of her savings and hope to have enough to buy her a permanent bodyguard or fit the trailer park with a full security system. In the extremely likely event that she didn’t have that much cash in the bank earned through bare minimum wages and tips from the creepy middle aged men she served at the Wyrm, she would think of some less secure method of ensuring that the disgusting woman to blame for this current situation wouldn’t be placing a finger on the beautiful girl she’d spent the last seventeen years breaking.

As for righty this second... well, she hadn’t a clue what to do other than hope Hot Dog was lingering nearby and have faith in the idea that Penelope Blossom most likely didn’t have the will to venture over to these parts.

When they arrived at the trailer, about twenty minutes ago it has been raining heavily, icy bullets hitting frigid skin and dying the wool of that itchy cardigan from the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy blood red as Toni gave the other teenagers rushed messages of appreciation and promises to get in touch in the next twenty-four hours and helped her walk from the truck to the trailer.

 _Blood._ Cheryl had felt as if she’d lost half of hers. Her head had pounded and she felt weak, ever so weak, vision blurry and muscles limp. She was aware that they’d drugged her with something – it was difficult _not_ to be aware of that when the needles used had been finger-long, piercing her skin as stinging substances burned through her bloodstream – and the low-quality food she’d been given in inadequate portions obviously wasn’t going to give her much energy. She felt so sick, unable to do anything, and everything about this horrible world just made her just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

_“I’ve got you.”_

Toni’s voice had been calm and gentle, the corner of her lips curling up into a small reassuring smile. The best thing about that was how it was all part of a completely genuine act; Toni really _did_ care about the other girl, just like her soft brown eyes let on to. Despite being quite a few inches shorter, she’d managed to hold Cheryl up at the waist as her bare knees threatened to buckle, guiding her to the couch closest to the front door, leaving her seated on the couch only briefly before returning with a glass of water and a couple of paracetamol just moments later.

 _“It isn’t much, but you’ll be safe here,”_ Toni had reassured her scanned the room quickly. It _wasn’t_ much – cold, dingy, outdated – but in that moment, the small static caravan had felt like Prince Charming’s palace (after all, the _had_ just been rescued primarily by her very own princess in shining leather). Even though it was lacking in terms of turrets and never-ending corridors, it felt more like a palace than the ginormous mansion of Thornhill she’d spent grown up in and the ivy-covered stone walls of Thistle House haunted by the footsteps of strangers in the night. Yes, this trailer was a home; comfy without the luxuries, and cosy even if you did require two blankets to keep yourself warm on a bashed-up couch.

 “Thank you.”

It was the first thing she’d been able to say since leaving the Sisters, but her voice was still only just above a whisper, tears building like a mountain in her throat making it difficult to speak. It hurt Toni to see how much pain her girlfriend (she had a inkling that it was alright to address her in that way now, in thought at least) was in, a dull ache lingering in her chest as her heart continued to beat rapidly out of the adrenaline of the rescue mission and the constant worry which had built up over the past week now finally beginning to catch up with her. In the short time she’d known Cheryl, she’d figured that she didn’t cry very often and whenever she did it meant that something really _was_ wrong. Today was quite possibly the peak of emotions for her, considering how she hadn’t seen her without tears in her eyes for even a minute. As much as Toni’s heart had been fractured by the idea of this whole conversion therapy thing, she understood that right now she had to force herself to stay strong for Cheryl. After all, her fractured heart was less severe an ailment than Cheryl’s shattered one accompanied by raw wrists and strained muscles and she making this worse was the something she’d beat herself up over.

“Cher,” Toni sighed, “You don’t need to thank me for a thing. I’m doing this because I love you and I want to _help_ you, sincerely. This isn’t some sort of favour I’m doing to make myself feel good.”

Cheryl hummed, subconsciously playing at the trim of the blanket as a distraction from everything else around her. Part of her wanted to spill her heart out there and then, break down right in front of Toni’s eyes and tell her about everything she’d seen and done and heard, but her lungs felt empty and the tears in her eyes stung like seawater and she was just so, _so_ tired of everything. She figured that all she really wanted there and then was to be in Toni’s arms and close her eyes as exhaustion whisked away her worries without the constant fear of nightmares ruining that moment.

“You don’t have to talk about it yet if you don’t want to,” Toni whispered, as if reading Cheryl’s every thought, noticing the way her mouth kept opening and closing yet with no sound escaping, “But if they did anything to hurt you, I need know.”

She shook her head slightly, Toni scanning her face for any sign that she wasn’t telling the truth. She knew that Cheryl was a good liar, Toni equally so at interrogations, but right now wasn't the time for that. She breathed a sigh of relief; quite honestly, Toni didn’t want to hear about those horrors tonight so she was partially glad that Cheryl didn’t want to share them either.

 “Ok. Can I see your arms?”

After all, she hadn’t failed to notice the bruises running up them and she wanted to ensure that they were just what she thought. If anything else was physically up, she’d find out sooner or later. Cheryl winced as Toni reached out to touch them.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she murmured, running her hand down her yellowish patches on her upper arm as softly as she could. She knew from the appearance and positioning that they could only be from needles, god knows what for (she wasn’t sure she wanted to know given that she was certain that they weren’t used under medical circumstances). Her fingertips trailed further down her arm until they reached her red wrist. “This looks sore.”

Cheryl glanced down at her wrists, shuddering as memories of the pain of the tight restraints rubbing away her skin flooding back. For a moment she was there, in a straight jacket or in bed tied to restraints, everything feeling so fucking real, Toni’s sympathetic face and sweet smile replaced with the grey wrinkled skin and sadistic grimace of Sister Woodhouse. She bent down, burying her face in her hand with eyes shut tight as the tried to get rid of that image.

“Cheryl...” Toni soothed, rubbing circles on her back, not really sure how else to help. She figured she’d remembere of something, judging from the way her brown eyes had turned from anxious to terrified in the split second before they zipped shut. “I’m here. It’s me, Toni. You’re out of there. You’re safe. You’re with me now. No one is going to get you.”

Cheryl flinched, eyes snapping open immediately as she wiped the tears which had crept through and sunk back into the soft couch in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry I—”

 “—don’t be. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not your fault. Just take it easy. _Breathe,_ okay?” Toni’s voice was so soft and caring, a voice something she’d only ever heard from a few people, but the thing that was different to the other rare times someone had spoken to her like that was how there was also so much unconditional love embedded in that concerned tone. That, alongside everything else horrible going on inside, was enough to make her break, completely overwhelmed by a million different emotion as her throat let out the choked sob it had been holding back all this time and tears started to stream down her face uncontrollably. Toni’s face fell at this reaction, not hesitating as she ran fingertips through the long red hair which was now course and knotted, a world away from its previous smooth and soft state. It hurt to see her like this. She’d been hurt, purposely, at the hands of her god damn _mother_ of all people, and all Toni wanted to do was tell her that it was all going to be alright. No – she didn’t – all she wanted to wholeheartedly _promise_ her that it was going to be all alright, but the nature of promises prevented her from saying something along those lines. She hated this. She hated how this deserving girl had been kicked around and forced to endure hell for no reason, and she hated how she didn’t even know what to do. All she wanted was for Cheryl to know that someone cared. She wanted to wrap her arms around her in form of a physical reminder that she was there and she was never leaving. At the same time she was so conscious of triggering something horrible which would break the redhead down further.

_Was it even possible to break her down further?_

“Come here,” Toni whispered softly, gently guiding the other girl’s body towards her own. She felt her trembling against her, tears tickling neck as the other girl buried her face into it, chest heaving as breathless sobs overtook her lungs ability. “Hey, it’s okay. _It’s okay._ ”

Something had clicked inside of Toni, allowing her to calm the hell down – or calm down by a certain proportion at the very least. It was something she was used to doing, being a member of the Serpents, some variation of flight or fight mode or whatever it was called. After all, a stab wound couldn’t be helped by panic and fears of the worst and the only difference here was that this was emotional pain rather than physical in somebody she loved with her whole heart rather than some other serpent she didn’t know all that well... _right?_

The more she thought about that, the more Toni realised how that made a bit more than just a slight difference.

“Let it out, alright? It’s okay to cry,” she soothed over and over because for God’s sake, she’d take every bit of pain inside her without a second thought. Unknowingly to her, it had gotten to the point recently where Cheryl cried without a specific cause and trying to single out just one reason for her constant pain was impossible. Even if there was one primary reason, the thoughts would wander on to some other topic, then another, then another, and she didn’t know how to handle it. Going to school was like turning into a different person, channelling her lack of control at home and over herself into control through bitchiness and arrogance and giving people a legitimate reason to dislike her rather than just not like her because she was rich, stuck up, different – whatever. Until Toni (and arguably Veronica) no one had seen through her mean girl persona or least given a shit if they had. Maybe that’s why Cheryl was crying so heavily now; because she was in the arms of someone who cared about her – who _loved_ her – and wasn’t going to leave her when the information she desired came about. That, alongside the headache and nausea and memories and self-hatred and shock of everything that had happened in the past two weeks.

After what felt like hours of racking sobs Cheryl pulled away, swiping itchy tears from her face with the edge of the blanket as she took another shaky breath in attempt to collect herself.

“Better?”

Cheryl shrugged, leaning back once again and closing her eyes. She didn’t know what she was feeling. Right now, she was tired. She wanted to go to sleep, wake up like it was all a dream, or at least forget about it all for a little while, but sleep wouldn’t come easy and maybe it would be a better idea to stay awake than relive those awful days. At the same time, every bone in her body ached and she was hungry and she was sad and scared and shocked and embarrassed over her slight breakdown.

“You know,” Toni’s voice was soft yet somehow at the same time firm as she rubbed Cheryl’s knee comfortingly, “It’s okay not to be. You’ve been to hell and back and no one’s expecting you to automatically be fine after all this, especially not me, so please don’t lie thinking it will make things better because it really won’t. Just let me help you. I’m not going to think of you differently because of what’s happened, and that’s something I _can_ promise you.”

She glanced back down at her injured wrist, taking her other girl’s hand which now lay on her knee and gently examining the reddened skin. Friction burns – not awful, considering other possible outcomes they were an actual blessing, but still; they probably stung like hell judging from the peeling raw and blistered skin. She sighed, reluctantly getting up from next to the redhead and heading across to the small outdated kitchen quarters before promptly coming back out with a couple of first aid bits. At least this physical pain would be easier to relieve than the psychological pain, with which she didn’t really have much of a clue how to help. “I’ll sort these out for you so that they don’t get infected. I mean, they probably won’t but it will help a little at least.”

Cheryl attempted a smile in return to Toni’s as she knelt on the floor beside her. Her touch was yet again gentle as she smeared anti inflammatory ointment over the injuries, careful not to press to hard or brush in the wrong direction or do anything else which may have caused her discomfort. She suspected that she’d done similar before, judging how sometimes she’d come to school to see a dozen southsiders with black eyes and grazes. Of course, it concerned Cheryl to know that Toni was in a violent gang, worried that one day she’d find her arrested or injured or (dare she say it) _worse_ than that following a fight with whatever rival gang it was she’d mentioned a couple of times, but that was something out of her hands. Besides, Toni was the most moral and sensible human being she’d ever met and she trusted her to not do anything stupid which would endanger herself. Cheryl closed her eyes as a makeup wipe brushed over her skin, removing traces of mascara and foundation which had been on for days, trying her hardest to focus on the other girl’s soft touch rather than whatever terrifying thought threatened her mind.

“We should try and get some sleep,” the other girl tossed the wipe to the side, pulling the blanket on the arm of the couch back up to Cheryl shoulders, helping her lie down. “Come on, you’re shattered. Sleep with do you good.”

 “Please don't leave me,” she said almost instantly, evidently truing her hardest to keep the once again threatening tears from falling.

Her voice was so small and child-like. It didn’t sound like voice of the confident girl she’d always pretended to be. It was so hoarse and weak that it didn’t even sound like Cheryl on one of her bad days, like the time she’d broken down in Pops after that movie when they’d known each other for barely three hours and didn’t even consider each other as anything more than acquaintances, or the recent time occasion where she’d sat in the reception room when that horror story of a slumber party too a turn for the absolute worst, waiting for the call from the hospital with her arms wrapped around the other girl.

“Sweetie,” she wiped one of the other girl’s tears which had escaped and rolled down her face, smiling sadly as she did so, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving your side, not now, not until I have to – and I’ll make a big deal about it when I do.”

She gave her a teasing smirk, the other girl replying with a short, weak laugh. “Thank you.”

“Always.”

There was a sigh, a sniff, and then her eyes fell closed, pulling the plaid blanket up to her chin as she moved around a little in search of a more comfortable position. Toni watched, smiling softly as the other girl’s breathing relaxed and pulse in her wrist slowed. Even with tears running down her blotchy face she was beautiful – _a broken angel, away from the pain for a little while and maybe that made things at least a little bit better,_ she thought as turned the light of and grabbed her own borrowed blanket from the couch she was sat against, wrapping it around her shoulders for warmth.

“Sleep tight, Cheryl Bombshell. I’m here now.”

Now. Always. Whatever you wanted to call it, as promised, Toni wasn’t going to be leaving her side any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh... almost two weeks behind schedule (primarily because I’ve spent the last five days dancing around my room to the musical episode soundtrack – QOTD, favourite song from that episode? I’m living for In, A Night We’ll Never Forget and You Shine reprise) we finally have chapter two! Got 1K written already for chapter three; hopefully I’ll upload that this Wednesday but not sure as I’m behind on all my schoolwork now, oops. See you guys soon – love yous!


	4. Chapter 3

Toni couldn’t sleep. Of course she couldn’t. She had just broken into some hellish nunnery (the irony of that killed her) and saved someone, that ‘someone’ being no other than Cheryl Blossom, who was now fast asleep a couple of inches to her right. She looked so peaceful, a world away from the distressed state she’d been in just an hour ago, chest gently rising and falling finally at a steadied rate. Her face still wore the tear tracks from earlier but at least she had finally been given some peace. The pink-haired Serpent was glad. Cheryl deserved peace. She deserved love and happiness and a lot of other nice things too. She hoped that she would be able to give her that, be the person she could trust or whatever it was, help her through this ongoing battle with life itself even if they’d inevitably both be wounded at some point or another in the process.

 

 

Together or not at all.

Satisfied that Cheryl was comfortable, her breathing no longer a series of quiet hiccuping sobs, she closed her eyes, plugging her headphones in and skipping through her playlist aimlessly until she reached some obscure song with about withering flowers and misplaced trust and guiding people home or something along the lines of that. It fit the situation as perfectly as her worn and old leather Serpent jacket fit herself; a beaten-down Blossom girl falling back into the arms of the only living person who had wholly and truly loved her after what felt like a century separated by force. Bless the art of shuffled playlists.

 

-

 

_Cheryl had been a victim of nightmares for most of her life – living in an old manor by the woods with a private graveyard wasn’t exactly going to keep ghosts and slamming doors from haunting her nights – but since Jason had left they’d become a lot more regular, and a lot scarier at that._

_At first, they were little things she hated. Chilling voices telling her that she was the reason why he left, and that’s why he wouldn’t let her know the reasons behind his escape plan when she asked time and time again. But when it hit the two-week mark since he had left and he still hadn’t been in touch, those voices turned into something else. A knock on the door, the expensive rifles displayed in the dining room, the ring of the phone in the foyer, an image of an upside-down car on the news – it was all enough to trigger thoughts of the worst._

_Or maybe he’d just forgotten about her; left her in this town equating to hell as he travelled to the other side of the country, now a distant memory, merely a connection to some cultish family he no longer wanted to be associated with. Nothing more, nothing less. After all, it was understandable; she had always been the problem in every other matter, what was to say that this wasn’t the same sort of story?_

_And then there had been that night – the first weekend of junior year, the night of the party at her house where she’d destroyed a relationship because of how her own had been destroyed years and years ago in that very house – where the flash of blue lights from outside her window and the solemn voice of Sheriff Keller pulled all of that to a standstill, putting an end to constant email refreshing and phone checking. It brought sleep to a standstill, too. When she did manage a few hours, they were haunted by her brother’s long lifeless body on that metal table, the sickening stench of the decaying corpse and probably several other in the morgue in the basement of the hospital would linger in her nose for eternity, the yellow skin and staring eyes and haunting dark hole in his forehead burned into the back of her eyelids._

_She blamed herself. She still did. She – regardless of how devastated the plan made her when Jason had told her about it initially, and regardless of how much she’d pleaded for him not to leave her alone with them – had ultimately guided him into Mustang’s hands, then into that basement, then into the shooting range of that pistol. It wasn’t as it it was only herself who was saying that. She wasn’t deaf, but she’d wished she was when she heard those whispers in the corridors and the back of the classroom. That was even before the results of that autopsy made their way to the sheriff’s department and she made her way out of the principles office with her mother’s hand enclosed around her elbow, her parents_ _later screaming at her in the reception room of Thornhill, Keller questioning her endlessly, being told how serious the offences were – etcetera. That continued for weeks; her mother still brought it up in their fights even now, months on from that, knowing just how much it would hurt her daughter to hear his those comments which were identical to a stab in the heart. Little reminders of the part she played, that Jason was dead forever and always, that she was the second twin and always would be._

_Because face it; if she had succeeded in her attempt on her life that day at the river, no one would have come to her funeral. They probably wouldn’t have realised she was gone, thinking about it._

_The nightmares became worse until the day the real killer was found. Of course they would be. She’d done more to find the murderer than god damn Sheriff Keller had. Sleepless nights had the benefit of eight extra hours to kill, these apparently best spent poring over family trees and phone books. FP was arrested and she knew he didn’t kill him; secretly she had her own suspicions, but she wouldn’t – couldn’t – release them, being too scared of the consequences. When Betty had confirmed it, it was a... a relief. A relief that, finally, justice had been served. Jason had been given justice. Maybe she’d finally be able to live normally once the reporters left town and went on to another story. Soon the Register would have headlines on lost cats and random fights in the southside which no one really cared about, just like in the past, but her version of a normal life was living life in a world of constant abuse, back then with Jason there to argue her case but now no one was there to stand up for her, and no one was there for protect her. She was alone and vulnerable as ever. The nightmares kept coming – why and how did she think that they'd ever stop? She’d seen two dead bodies – she’d watched her father’s heart and lungs stop right in front of her eyes with the sickening snap of the neck as he fell from the rafters, and then Betty gave her that memory stick and she watched Jason die, listened to the sound of the bullet in synchronisation with the violent jolt of a lifeless head one... two... five... five hundred times. A reminder that it was real. That she wasn’t imagining it anymore. That her father had killed her brother; one theory correct, and It didn’t seem real but it was. It really was. It made her numb, scared, terrified, unable to move a muscle, breathe, talk, cry, anything. Her life was now just one long tiring nightmare which wouldn’t stop._  

_She tried to make it stop. She almost made it stop._

_But then someone pressed play and rewind, and she realised that it wasn’t going to stop that easily. The tape was now stuck on the part of the story where everything bad happened, like some horrible trap of horrible event after horrible event after horrible event. Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. A little inescapable cycle of horror and imagination._

_Jason. Mommy. Pain. Daddy. Gunshots. Pain. Rivers. Cold. Pain. Fires. Nick. Pain._

_Sometimes her dreams would be happy, beautiful, loving. But, she thought one night in the Sisters, maybe that was some distorted reality too. Cheryl Blossom didn’t pair with happiness. If she did, why did horrible things keep happening to her? Why did everyone leave her? Why did everyone hate her so much?_

_-_

 

A jolt of frantic movement to the right of her was what shook Toni from her semi-conscious state of sleep.

For a brief moment she was confused as to where she was, why she was sat on the floor leant against the couch, and why she heard faint crying nearby.

Then she remembered.

Cheryl.

The Sisters.

The bloody _Sisters_.

_God..._

Penelope Blossom had abandoned her very own daughter in that place, which practically equates to a cult, handing her over as if they were a store and she was handing back nothing more than a damaged item of clothing (more precisely, one she’d damaged herself yet still had the guts to hand back and place the blame on someone else), most likely not giving a fuck if she died in there from illegal experimental treatment or god damn suicide or something else unthinkable. The witch would probably even be genuinely _happy_ if her daughter didn’t even leave that place – in that instance, at least then she’d have one less mouth to feed with the money she’d earned by sleeping with strangers; some inconvenience she’d been left with never to be thought about again. It wasn’t that she liked to dwell on the fact that Penelope was the polar opposite of a decent mother – hell, she hated to even _think_ about the level of pain Cheryl had been caused in a single _day_ , let alone her entire life – but the broken girl deserved someone who was down-to-earth about how badly treated she’d been, who didn’t excuse or disregard even the smallest cruel action from her ‘caregiver’, and who was there to back her up and protect her when no one else was there to. Toni wanted to be there for Cheryl. After all, she too understood what it was like to be alone and suffering, what it was like to have people say that your life wasn’t that bad when in reality it couldn’t get that much more unbearable.

Her heart fell to her stomach as another sob filled the room, followed by another and another and another...

“Hey,” she whispered hoarsely to the shadowed figure above her, pulling herself up and on to the couch beside her and reaching out slowly to place a tentative arm across her shoulders, “Hey, Cheryl—”

Another sob racked her body, making Toni swallow hard as tears began to prick her eyes as well, but she pushed them back before they crept too close to the edge. She couldn’t cry. Toni Topaz didn’t cry. Not often, anyway, those moments of weakness were rare and concealed from even those closest to her. Besides, right now even letting one small tear split felt so out of perspective compared to Cheryl’s level of pain and her right to cry all the tears left in the world. 

She so desperately wanted to understand what was going on. She wanted so desperately to help her, or at least offer a hand in alleviating that pain, and she wasn’t going to allow herself to chicken out or become paralysed with shock or fear or worry or upset. At the same time, she was perfectly aware that anything the other girl said wasn’t going to exactly be rainbows and unicorns, and she wasn’t sure whether she personally _wanted_ to know what had happened in that place to make the other girl, so strong to have made it to this side of the horrors of life alive yet so bruised and damaged, react in this sort of way.

“Hey Cheryl, it’s me, Toni,” her voice was soft, barely above a whisper, cautious not to frighten the other girl because, hell, that was the last thing they needed right now. “Hey. You’re safe. I’m here. You’re out of there now. We rescued you, remember? Veronica, Kevin and I? Hmm?”

Cheryl was aware of someone speaking but she couldn’t make any words out of the muffled ringing. Her nightmare was still replaying in her head, over and over like a broken record with the images becoming stronger and more memorable for every passing second. She pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes, nails digging into her forehead wishing that it could maybe make everything just stop, or at least the pain would distract her from the demons. The memories weren’t stopping, fading, whatever. It was a cycle of eternal torture – and the more she thought about that the more she thought about the words of the nuns talking about Hell and Satan and stuff and the more she thought about the pain and what happened at that place and just... _god_ – and she was waiting for that break in the system to end it.

“It isn’t real.

But it _felt_ real.

“Take a deep breath.”

But her lungs wouldn’t allow that. All of the air had been sucked out of her like a vacuum, and no matter how much she gasped and coughed she felt as if she was being suffocated by her own body. It hurt, too, a sharp pain in her sides causing more tears to spring to her eyes. She shook her head frantically as she panicked, something between a sob and a whimper escaping her throat. “I-I can’t—” 

Toni sighed. She felt helpless, unsure, and another couple of adjectives she wouldn’t admit even in thought. She’d never been in this sort of situation before (after all, how many people had?), the only similar scenario su being those after fights involving steri-strips and ice packs, the only sort of ‘broken’ in those being that of pride and the occasional nose.

“Come here,” she breathed as she pulled the other girl to her chest, wrapping both arms around her waist and rubbing her back in some sort of infinite pattern which she only hoped would have calming effect. Maybe the contact itself would calm her enough. She hoped it would, anyway. She was shaking visibly, pale hands trembling noticeably against the shorter girl’s back. “Try again, in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

It took a lot of encouragement for the other girl to trust her enough to follow her instructions. She was hesitant to do what she said, waiting for the reassuring nod to tell her she was capable of it, yet managed a couple of inhales before collapsing against Toni again in exhaustion, body still trembling but at least now it was trying to progress its way through the flashback.

“Good,” she soothed, running her fingers through a slightly less knotted section of her hair, “You’re doing it, see? You’re doing great. Come on, try again... in... and out...” 

“Toni I—”

“Shhh. Hey. Try. You can do it.”

“It hurts so—”

“I know, baby, I know. But it’s all going to be over soon, I promise. You just have to keep breathing with me. You’re alright. You’re safe. No ones going to hurt you, alright? Just breathe...”

It took several minutes of quiet coaxing until thee other girl’s breathing was no longer shuddering and laboured. Toni stifled a sigh of relief. Tears continued to tickle the back of her neck – she was still crying, but at least she was in a more emotionally stable state now. At least she was breathing normally, the violent shaking fallen into a series of more subtle quivers.

Cheryl never wanted to let go of the other girl. She was afraid that if she pulled away she’d break again as if the embrace was all that was holding her together. It kind of was, really. Everything else had fallen apart, after all.

“You’re okay,” Toni whispered against her forehead in reminder. Cheryl nodded silently, falling more heavily into her chest.

“Thank you.”

“No worries.”

_Why did Cheryl feel the need to thank her for this._

“Do you want to talk about it?”

The redhead shook her head in response.

“That’s fine. You don’t have to say a word until you’re ready, however long that may be.”

_“I’m sorry,”_ her small voice croaked out after a short while.

“Hey, look at me,” Toni pulled away, ever so gently pushing her chin up with her index finger so that their eyes would meet. Cheryl’s were filled with so much pain and misery, bloodshot with whatever traces of mascara were left from literally weeks ago creating smoky smudges around the red rims. “Don’t you dare try to apologise for this. Nothing which has happened is your fault. It’s—”

“My mother’s,” Cheryl finished with a sad smile. “Yeah. I know.”

“She is the one put you in there, she is the one who has abused you for your whole life, and she’s the reason why you hate yourself,” Toni gulped at that. She didn’t like to think about that, and – _hell_ – she felt awful to have to tell someone that about themselves but, at the end of the day, it was true. The redhead had glossed over it in conversation before, and from the way her eyes angled back down towards her knees following that comment she figured that, yes, she definitely _was_ right in that sense. “It’s _her_ who should be apologising. Not you. You haven’t done _anything_ wrong.”

“She wouldn’t apologise, though.”

“Yeah. And I second that,” the pink-haired Serpent sighed with a wonky smile, softly brushing away a tear which had slipped down Cheryl’s reddened cheek, “And that just makes her so much worse of a human being than she already is. To be honest, I don’t even know if that’s possible... But, anyway, please, _please_ just understand that this is not your fault in any way. You haven’t stepped one foot in the wrong direction.”

The other girl stared at her for a few moments before nodding, biting her lip to hold back her tears which still threatened to fall. _How was she still crying?_ “I mean, at least I’m out of that house now.” 

“Exactly,” the Serpent placed her caring hand on her upper arm, like the day they first _properly_ spoke, only this time Cheryl wasn’t pushing it off. She was too weak to do that. She needed this touch for so many reasons – one of those was to reassure her that this wasn’t simply a dream or figment of her imagination, the same process which led her to see people in those black and white pixelated projections on movie nights in the place of those probably deceased actors; another reason being that, right now, she was here with Toni and out of _their_ grasp; another being to reassure her that she hadn’t just gone crazy with some thought of someone for once actually caring. This time, as opposed to that day less than a month ago ( _it’s crazy_ , both of them thought, _how much you can come to love and care about a person in such a way in such a short space of time_ ), Cheryl stared at her with overwhelming sadness and fear and maybe, if you looked closely, a hint of _relief,_ rather than reacting with such spite, almost violence towards the shorter girl like she had initially. “You’re out of danger, at the very least, and now that we have evidence of her sending you away we can report her or something – I mean, only if _you_ want to, of course, but I personally think it would be better – _safer_ – if the sheriff was made aware of what’s been going on at Thistle House. I don’t know what’s going to happen when your mom realises you’re out, and if no one knows it could end up worse than before, so...”

Cheryl interrupted her. “I’ll think about it.”

Toni offered her a wry smile, Cheryl returning before they leant back on the sofa in each others arms in silence. It was a peaceful kind of silence, though – the sort of silence people who are in love sit in as they stare at each other with heart eyes in the middle of the night after deep talks about horrible lives. It was like a portrait of a beautiful tragedy, the two people trapped within the painting beautiful tragedies in themselves, helping each other through their pain with the power of love driving them through the storm clouds and fog to what would hopefully be a better place on the other side. Thinking about that ideology, it sounded like nothing more than a rambling drunken mess, but what an accurate piece of trash it was.

Their breaths slowed, Cheryl’s heart rate dropping eventually to a more relaxed pace as her head fell heavy in Toni’s collar. She was calm now, almost as if everything which had happened in the past however-long-it-had-been never happened after all, either asleep or well on their way to that state, the physical and mental exhaustion of the nightmare, the rescue – _everything_ – finally taking their hit on the other girl. The same thing was happening to Toni, her eyes felt suddenly feeling as if they were being held down by the same weights which threatened to pull the rest of her body southwards, sinking into the tatty couch. Slowly and carefully, she got out from beneath the other girl and laid her back down, murmuring softly when she stirred for her to try to go back to sleep as she placed the blanket back over her shivering body, offering her own as well for extra warmth before tucking her in the way her own mother used to tuck her into bed when she was just a llittle girl.

She didn’t want the blanket, after all. She didn’t need it. Her main – _only_ – priority was getting her girlfri— _(not yet)_ back to her usual self. Preferably, that would be the _happier_ version of her usual state, but part of Toni wanted so badly to listen to the other girl’s discernible voice echo down the hallways as she bitched at people. But, most of all, she wanted nothing more than to see the girl she lo— _(thought-the-world-of-and-couldn’t-live-a-day-without-and-thought-was-an-angel-on-earth-and-maybe-just-maybe-had-feelings-for-etcetera-etcetera)_ smile, genuinely and broadly, free of the horror and pain she’d only ever known. She only _other_ thing she wanted was for Penelope to pay the price of her actions.

Through law and sentencing and justice, of course, though secretly she wanted to see that bitch missing some limbs for what she’d done – and to think that Fangs had once called her the _only_ laid back person in the Serpents, then, _well..._  

So, instead of of curling up on the opposite couch wrapped in a yellowish-brownish-greenish blanket in the same way she would any other night in this trailer, she placed herself back down on the uncomfortable floor. Tomorrow she’d ask Sweet Pea to sort the sofabed out, but right now this was the best option, as close to the other girl as possible, placing the ghost of kiss on her forehead and drawing patterns across her grazed knuckles with her thumb until her own eyes fell closed and empty nothingness consumed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG VANESSA’S GOING TO BE A REGULAR OMFG VANESSA’S GOING TO BE A REGULAR OMFG VANESSA’S GOING TO BE A REGULAR OMFG I CAN’T EVEN... :’D


	5. Chapter 4

Toni managed a few more hours of sleep that night – maybe three or four, waking up a couple of times in between. The way Cheryl had reacted to that nightmare earlier was hard to push to the side and she was afraid she’d have another, but every time she glanced across to look at her face it was neutral, forcing the other girl to shut her eyes once again with a slap on her own wrist for being so paranoid.

Sometimes she succeeded; other times she would sit there for a good thirty minutes, tired as hell but unable to succumb to her body’s request. At one point or another, sick of being awake and sick of thinking about all the other girl had been through and sick of thinking about how anyone could do that to a human being, she allowed a few tears slip silently down her cheeks. There was little she hated more than watching the people she loved hurting.

And yes – she _did_ love Cheryl. She loved her more than anything or anyone else in the world, and she wasn’t going to fight those feelings for a second longer. Life wasn’t worth that. Life wasn’t worth denying the people who needed to hear it most the truth.

A light tap on the shoulder was all it took to awake Toni the following morning. _“You look like shit,”_ Sweet Pea had commented bluntly as he handed her a slice of toast – unbuttered and only just crispy and golden, just the way she liked it as he’d learnt when she started stopping over at his trailer way back. It was his way of checking if she was alright, because he too had heard those sobs and soft voices early that morning and there was no missing the slightly bloodshot eyes his fellow serpent – not only that, but one of his best friends – sported. She rolled her eyes and glared at him. He told her they could stay here as long as they needed, that he’d sort the sofabed out at some point when he arrived home from school and then he left to go just there and the trailer was filled with silence once again so she closed her eyes once more, this time curled up in the corner of the couch with some hope that the more comfortable position would help her doze off.

By half ten, with maybe five hours worth of disturbed, broken up sleep, she figured that no more would be coming and with that she heaved herself off the couch, heading over to the corner of the room she’d allocated to her things and picking up a few schoolbooks and a blue biro from beneath the pile of poorly-folded clothes on the floor before placing them down on the coffee table. It was a poor attempt at avoiding the repetitive cycle of boredom and worry, and to channel those emotions into catching up on the years of schoolwork she was behind on – the only achievement she’d earned from attending Southside High.

Cheryl had lent for Serpent all of her notes for the past two years and flicking through the endless notebooks and folders it was evident which days were rougher for the girl than others. The majority of the time the words on the page were written in beautiful cursive, each letter so uniform and perfectly illustrated that it could have been easily mistaken for a typed font – the type of handwriting everybody envied. But then sometimes there would be some paragraphs of a much more heavy-handed format, occasional misspellings scribbled out in an almost angry manner.

She felt a pang to her chest when she noticed that a lot of these less tidy pages were labelled ‘homework’ – it was so obvious that she was hurting, and it was so obvious that the times she was hurting most of all were the times she’d she was at home. How didn’t anybody notice this? How did nobody figure that she was so miserable there?

There was another week, too – on a couple of pages, only the title and the date were noted, maybe a few unfinished sentences and teacher’s notes saying _‘stupid mistakes’_ and _‘focus!’._ The more she stared, the more Toni began to notice how oddly familiar the dates seemed. 

_Early October._ A hell of a lot happened in that second week, and a hell of a lot of negative things they were. October 5th was the night that FP had been arrested and she remembered it crystal clearly. Watching him walk out of his trailer handcuffed, her eyebrows furrowed in utter confusion as she tried her hardest to figure out why, how, what. For the gang that week had been perhaps the toughest they had ever encountered, or at least the toughest they’d encountered in a long time, but it was incomparable to the week the Blossom’s had experienced. Two nights after FP’s arrest, Clifford was discovered to be to blame after all. Just days after that the town awakened to smoke and ashes blowing from the charred skeleton of the manor, east wing completely disappearing to the flames. In the turn of a week, the Blossoms had gone from proud business owners to a merely a widow and an orphan, both of whom with their lives destroyed by the white collar criminal’s blue collar ways.

“French Revolution,” even though the sound of the sudden sleepy voice coming from behind her back initially made her jump, it didn’t take long for the corner of Toni’s mouth to slither up into a small smile at the familiarity of it, “Exciting.”

“My favourite topic ever,” Toni rolled her eyes, turning her body to face the redhead. “Morning, anyway.”

Cheryl groaned as she propped herself up against the arm of the couch, rubbing her eyes as they tried to adjust to the light. “Urgh... what time even _is_ it?”

“Around one, so not really morning after all,” she smiled, and Cheryl managed to offer her a small one back. The shorter girl did question how genuine it was, noticing her tired and defeated eyes, but at least things _were_ improving – at least she _was_ smiling now. “Did you sleep well?”

“I mean, I didn’t have any more nightmares,” Cheryl shrugged, staring down at her chipped nails as she shuddered at the thought. “Not after the first one.”

Toni cocked her head like a puppy dog. “That’s good, right?”

“I don’t know. It might just giving me a false sense of security.”

“You’re going to have flashbacks and stuff, Cheryl,” Toni chewed at the inside of her cheek. “You’ve been through— well, only you know what you’ve been through, but anyway... stuff like last night – it’s what’s expected, I guess. It isn’t going to go away overnight, no matter how horrible it is.”

The other girl pulled a cushion over her face, turning away with a huff. She knew that. She knew that she was going to be haunted by that place for a very long time, if not forever, but she didn’t want anyone to repeat those words to her. She didn’t want for it to be the truth. Toni telling her that she was right hurt. It wasn’t Toni’s fault – hell, of course it wasn’t Toni’s fault – but she was still angry. She was so angry at her mother for bringing this horror on her. She was so angry at herself for not being able to deal with this nightmare, and she was so angry at herself for waking Toni up last night because of some stupid panic attack or flashback or emotional breakdown or just whatever it was. “I hate this,” she muttered just loud enough to be heard under the scratchy beige cushion.

“Yeah. Me too. I’m so sorry.”

Cheryl removed the cushion at the sad tone, gazing to the other girl who was biting her lip almost in a guilty way. The reached over to touch her cheek, trying to ignore the way her arm was heavy and the simple movement felt like such hard work. “It’s not your fault,” she said softly. “It’s my stupid mother’s fault.”

“I seem to remember saying practically those exact words last night,” Toni gave her a teasing smile.

“Well, I guess you must just be an influential person.” She winced as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Every bone and joint and muscle in her body ached, most likely from running for so long with so little energy just over twelve hours ago, or maybe it was strain of hauling endless sandbags around all day everyday with nothing but disappearing hope motivating her finally catching up to her. “What day is it, by the way?”

“Thursday.”

“I’m sorry. Just—” she paused, shifting her eyes aware to stare pointlessly at the wall opposite, pretending that it was more interesting than anything else in the room – with Toni there right in front of her, it definitely proved to not be that, “—just... I’m so out of it. They didn’t let me know anything in there, not even the little things like what time it was, and I lost track of what day it was after a while. Or maybe I just stopped counting. I don’t remember.”

“If it helps, you were in there for about two weeks,” the shorter girl sighed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to help you sooner. I just- I didn’t know how or what had happened, or—”

“Not your fault, TT.” 

“Not yours either.”

Cheryl hummed in contemplation. Maybe in agreement. It has hard believing that she was the victim after being told she was the cause of evil for years. Toni hoped that she’d learn that she wasn’t who her mother said she was if she repeated those words over and over and over, that maybe it would get stuck in her head just like words like ‘deviant’ and ‘loveless’ were from her mother’s constant criticism. 

“Toni,” Cheryl murmured in a small voice after a little while, eyes caught on the pile of textbooks in front of them. “I don’t want to go to school.”

“Hey, no, no,” she smoothed a stray bit of red hair down. “We won’t have to. Not now. Not in this state. The Serpents and Veronica are going to bail us out for the rest of this week, or until you feel better, alright?”

Cheryl nodded, feeling some of the tension held captive in her shoulders leave. Until you feel better. When was that day going to come? Was it ever going to come? Right now, she felt awful. She felt so dirty, so sick, so everything. And she hadn’t even been alright before all this. She didn’t remember what being ‘alright’ felt like. She didn’t even know what being ‘alright’ felt like anymore. Had she _ever_ even felt ‘alright’? How the hell would she ever be able to go into school again, greeted by all those wondering faces and recognising stares, after everything that had happened, after everything her mother had done, and live like a normal teenager? Live in a place where everyone had families who loved them? Have to be asked by some annoying teacher what was with the time she’d taken off and explain why that the reason why she hadn’t been here for what felt like forever was because her mother had sent her away to somewhere she’d rather die than go to, when she wasn’t even able to think about it for ten seconds?

_“Cheryl?”_ a soft voice, adjoined by an equally soft hand atop of hers, was what stirred her from those never-ending thoughts. Her cheeks felt wet and itchy again, and her eyes had that all-familiar sting back in them. “Are you okay?”

Are you okay? Toni had asked her that so many times. Why did it seem like so much more of a challenge to answer right now? No words would find their way out of her mouth. Instead, she shook her head, turning away from Toni for a second, back to face he ceiling. 

The redhead let out a humourpess laugh. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re a beautiful mess, though.” Toni winked at her – another poor, failing attempt at lighting up the atmosphere of the tiny living room. Cheryl attempted to smile, the shine barely reaching her eyes to drown out the endless darkness in those hazel orbs. “Trust you to go through a bunch of shit and still come out looking flawless at the end of it.”

“I really don’t,” she rolled onto her back, with a moan of dissatisfaction. “I feel like shit. I can’t—”

Toni hushed her, wiping away the tears with the thumbs.

“I really don’t know how much longer I would have lasted if you hadn’t saved me when you did,” she continued, trying to fight back the sob present in her throat. “I missed you so much. And I just– just, I thought I’d be in there forever. Mommy... before she left she said that she didn’t want to see me until I was normal, she wouldn’t ever take me back I’m sure if it... I-I think she wanted me to stay in there forever. All I could think about was, _‘what is the point of all this? Why am I still h-here?’_ ” The sob escaped. Toni leapt into action, embracing her as best she could from her awkward position on the floor whilst trying you to ignore the way those words stung like salt in an open wound.

“You’re out of there,” Toni soothed, “You're safe now. I’m here with you – and we’re far away from her. She’s not coming anywhere near you, I swear on my life I won’t let her, okay? I’m registered in a different address to this. She’ll have fun going through the whole of the southside first. Maybe she’ll get stabbed at some point here. That would be nice.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl hummed, chuckling weakly at the other girls comment. “Toni?”

“Yah?”

“Is the Southside really as dangerous as Northside let’s on?” Cheryl bit her lip in anxiety, nor really certain she wanted to know the answer.

“Sometimes,” Toni sighed. “There are some areas you really don’t want to go to, and there are some people you really don’t want to mess with. But when you’re in a gang or at least with someone in a gang you’re generally safer. I’ve lived here the fifteen years of my life and I’ve only ended up in hospital because of my injuries four or five times,” she tried to ignore the gobsmacked look on the redhead’s face. “That’s pretty good actually, in comparison it others. But still... I’ll tell you everything at some point, because I don’t know if we need to discuss that right now, but just never leave this trailer alone. Promise me that.”

“Eight times?” Cheryl echoed, ignoring the final bit. She’d seen Toni and the other Serpents walk in to home room bruised and scarred some mornings and knew the Southside’s reputation for fights, but the mention of hospitals made her stomach churn.

“Yeah. Stitches and x-rays mainly – nothing too awful and everything my own fault. Like I said, if you stay away from the danger most of the time you won’t be attacked. If there’s shit going down between gangs then it’s best to stay in. Got it?”

“I don’t really feel like doing anything other than stay inside right now, anyway,” Cheryl sniffed.

“Me neither. So is there anything you want to do?” Toni asked. “I mean, we could watch TV, or I could find us some food or coffees or whatever you drink, we have tea and hot chocolate too...”

“Any chance you have a shower?” Cheryl asked weakly, only once Toni had trailed off, careful to not interrupt the shorter girl. The old Cheryl would have done so without a thought against it, but something since she’d met Toni had changed her. The Serpent had a certain air to her she’d never felt before. Something which made her respect her. Before, she didn’t have anyone who cared about her so she felt that it was acceptable to do the same. It was all she knew, after all.

“Don’t most people?” she let a smirk slip, hoping that it would encourage the other girl to try and replicate her expression. “Stay here. I’ll get it running. I have some clothes over in the corner. You’re free to take whatever you want, or whatever fits you at least. I know it might not be your sort of style, but there isn’t much else.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Turning away to the other side of the trailer, Toni didn’t miss the way a small smile followed on from those two words. It was small, sure, but it was there. It was weak, yeah, but still. Heading into the bathroom, Toni decided that maybe things weren’t going and falling down this endless hole of depression after all.

Sure; was a journey back up... but it was a journey which was going to happen and right now the satnav was in the first stages of directing them out of their start point. Hopefully the destination would just be what they’d both hoped for – what they both deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God... save my life I’m a mess and I’m 14 days late. Honestly... I’m shattered (you can probably tell). Been a bit of a crisis over content for chapters four to six, with fluctuating plots etc... also uploaded a oneshot this gone weekend so yah – happy finale day!


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Minor implications of thoughts of suicide/self harm.

_It’s stupid, the things love does to you,_ Toni thought as she sat down cross-legged next to the bathroom door only seconds after it closed, _or, at least, what being away from someone you love for a long time does to you._

Not knowing where they were probably made it worse, and not knowing if they were safe... that was more worse. Finding that they’d fallen subject to a haunting asylum in that time was by far going to be most horrible thing which could have happened. Well, maybe less horrible than the _other_ thing: the four letter would she could barely mouth the first letter of without a chill running down her spine. If _that_ had been the scene they’d discovered... she genuinely didn’t know how she’d be able to cope with that, even with the massive support network of the Serpents. She doubted that she’d be able to cope. Nope – Toni _definitely_ wouldn’t be able to cope with that.

Shoving the box of Sweet Pea’s razors down the side of her jeans to put elsewhere later probably shouldn’t have been her first thought when the redhead had asked if she could shower, but it had been. The bottles of aspirin sitting in the dirty bathroom cabinet also went. She didn’t have a history book on Cheryl, but considering everything the redhead has endured in recent days she wasn’t going to take what the other girl had said earlier (which was probably nothing at all other than something which sounded a hell of a lot dark and a million times more serious than intended with the words having passed through one a frazzled brain to her own frantic one) lightly. Was she overthinking? Yes; she definitely was. But the pink-haired serpent was barely over her mom and she wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive herself if Cheryl ended up doing something which could have been prevented as well.

She felt that her actions were justified, however – somewhat, anyway – when she heard the quiet cries through the paper-thin wall. Those sighs and sniffles and devastated whimpers broke her heart clean in two. Thinking about it, a _lot_ of things about Cheryl broke her heart. Watching the other girl endure her nightmare last night felt like a rusty knife stabbing her repeatedly in the chest. Watching tears roll down the other girls paler-than-usual cheeks on the way home from that asylum... it _ached_. One of the worst things was how the only thing she wanted to do was help, but she felt so lost even trying to find the starting point.

Deciding that the other girl needed her privacy and that she needed to start worrying less about things which were almost five years in the past, she headed into the small kitchen – only maybe ten strides away – and chucked a few big handfuls of frozen oven fries onto a baking tray. Both girls needed the food, and Toni wasn’t going to pretend she had Michelin stars and even if she did, it was the best out of the few alternatives which didn’t require her leaving the house.

A series of notifications almost crashed her crappy old phone when she turned it on for the first time that day. A couple of messages in the Serpent group chat (because they were normal people like that), one from her uncle reminding her that he wasn’t best pleased about her banging on the door at some ungodly hour last night (she rolled her eyes to that, half surprised that he’d been sober enough to put two and two together as well as knowing full well that nothing more than that reaction would do to it), and several missed calls and a couple of text from Veronica, who’d also been her most regularly contacted number in recent days due to the two spending whatever spare minute (and some minutes required by other commitments) trying to figure out Cheryl’s whereabouts. She shared a few classes with the raven-haired girl, inevitably leading to casual conversation, and she had in fact been one of the only people to open Southside with open(-ish) arms. Sure, maybe it _was_ an act – the Lodge’s _were_ taking over the southside simultaneously, after all – but Toni wasn’t blind to the way this once-popular girl seemed to have somewhat fallen out of that close-knit inner circle. She wasn’t entirely sure about what had been going on with that bit – it was just a rumour, after all, Jughead casually bringing up one time how Betty and Veronica had a clash over some thing or another – but it seemed possible. And even if many of the Serpents did, Toni couldn’t hate her, especially not after all she’d done to help get Cheryl to safety.

Toni walked back towards the bathroom, pressing her head against the door as she listened for a couple of moments, trying to pick up on where abouts Cheryl was at. She was still crying quietly and the water was still running at its traumatically slow rate. She didn’t want to leave her alone – God, the poor girl had spent far too long living like that – but it was likely to be for her benefit so she took that as the okay, wandering into the living room and sitting herself down on the arm of the older couch she’d slept on that previous night as she placed the screen to her ear.

“Hey, Toni!” the other girl had picked up almost immediately. “Is everything alright? How’s Cheryl?” 

“Hi,” Toni smiled at the other girl’s response. As noted, she didn’t know Veronica too well at all and she wasn’t entirely sure what her relationship with Cheryl was like but she felt relieved that there was someone else out there who seemed to care enough to leave her with seven texts and four missed calls on her phone. “Eh. We’re alive, I guess. How are you, anyway?”

“I’m good. My parents apparently seem to be totally unaware of my whereabouts last night, unless they’re using it against me... which, in second thoughts, I wouldn’t be all that surprised at. Kevin said his dad woke up when he got in but he made up something about him hearing a cat outside and he believed it apparently,” both girls laughed softly. “So that’s good.”

“I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.”

“Anytime. I’m just glad she’s safe. Is she with you right now?”

“Shower,” Toni explained.

“How’s she been doing?”

The pink-haired Serpent bit her lip at the concern in her tone before getting up and migrating across the room to the point furthest away from the shower on the opposite side of the trailer and lowering her voice, careful the other girl couldn’t hear what she was talking about. Not that it was private information she couldn’t share with a single soul, but... _well_ , it kind of _was_ actually, but this battle wasn’t going to be won with just the two of them (one already wounded) against a thousand demons. With Veronica maybe even willing to lend a hand in her recovery it would be stupid not to let her in on this. Maybe she was the only other person Cheryl trusted – she was, after all, the only other one who had stuck to the mission. So, despite her doubts, Toni opened her mouth, exhaling deeply.

“She’s really not doing all that great, I don’t think...” she gulped at even the thought of all the horror and pain present in the redhead’s life at this very moment. Talking about it meant that it was real. Saying that she wasn’t okay... it was confirmation. That was the most painful part of the story. “She’s pretty shaken up. She woke up with a nightmare last night... I don’t know what it was about but it didn’t seem like good news at all. Then physically sh— I can literally feel her ribs. I don’t think she’s eaten in a while, or at least anything decent. And she’s covered in bruises and she has these burns on her wrists,” she shuddered at the memory of the way Cheryl had winced and whimpered when she touched them.

“I don’t know how to help her. The last thing I want to do is trigger something, and do you know how hard that is? I’m really lost. I don’t know whether to call the police, or go to the hospital and get her checked out for real... surely Penelope would be aware that she’s gone now? I’m not her legal guardian, that horrible woman is, and I can’t risk the possibility of an encounter.”

There was a short silence on the other end of the line as Veronica tried to process everything the Serpent had said.

“Is there anything we can report about her? Or that place? There a good hundred kids still trapped there and there’s no way that what they’re doing is legal.”

“I’m all for justice but I’m not the sort of person who’d go against someone’s will for it. I brought pressing charges or whatever it is up last night but Cheryl only said that she’d _think_ about it.” Besides, _they’d_ also committed a crime too – one of heroism but one with a sentence the same – by breaking into private property and taking custody of a minor. “As for Penelope, if we pass on anything about her she can bail herself out and, even if she can, she can afford the best lawyer in the country. She’s probably rich enough to pay for that with her prositute wages, anyway.” 

“Penelope’s into that? I remember Betty saying something about her and her dad,” the other girl muttered, “but I didn’t suspect it being that sort of ‘thing’.”

“It was the leading cause of us starting to talk, actually. That was it’s only benefit, I guess,” Toni rolled her eyes. “Anyway?” 

Veronica sighed through the speaker. “Even if we can’t do much about Penelope, we might be able to do something about the sisters. Kevin might know if there’s anything against them already. Draw up something. I don’t know.”

“Perks of having the son of a police officer as your friend.”

“Agreed,” Veronica chuckled. “Listen; I’ve got to get to class literally in thirty seconds, but before I go, do you need anything? Food? Money? Clothes? I’ve got some of the schoolwork for what you’re missing today as well, but that’s not at all pressing.”

“Clothes would be good. For Cheryl, I mean. I have stuff at Sweet Pea’s trailer but there’s a limited amount which might actually fit her.” In actual fact, whilst the clothes were going to be shorter (obviously) on the other girl, there would only just be enough in the trailer right now for the Serpent to last herself alone. Obviously that meant that at some point in the not-so-distant future she’d have to make a surprise visit to her uncle’s – which she _didn’t_ particularly want to do – to pick up whatever she could from the basically vacant room she would have called her own if only she stayed there for more than a tenth of a year. If Veronica could help her out in the slightest in that sense, though, then maybe that visit could be postponed for a couple of weeks.

“I can bring them round later if you want? Or tomorrow? Are you alright for everything else?”

“Ermm... I’m pretty sure we’re good. I can text you to let you know what’s going on?”

“‘Course. And if you need anything else, call me, right, and I’ll see what I can do?”

“Thanks. Seriously, I owe you.”

“It’s nothing. Just glad she’s safe. Oh, and Toni? Those few weeks before everything happened... I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cheryl look that happy. I’m glad she has you.”

Toni shook he head (despite the other girl obviously unable to see the gesture) at that statement, however she couldn’t help the weak smile which pulled at the corners of her mouth. “Trust me, I don’t have plans on her _not_  happening in the near future.”

Veronica smirked. “True. Take care, okay?” The ring of the school bell which signified lesson changeover – _or maybe it was the end of lunch?_ – was over was what led her to hang up once and for all, Toni then resolving to collapsing back down on the couch once again, letting her eyelids fall in exhaustion.

Just until she waited for the buzz of the hot water to silence.

Just until she waited for the ding of the oven timer to sound.

Just until that bathroom door opened and Cheryl stepped out.

Then on from that point she’d be wide awake, right up until the point where Cheryl was okay. Not just that, but more than okay. It didn’t matter how long that sleepless period would be; Toni bid that she wouldn’t rest an eye until Cheryl would live peacefully. 

_Take care._

What the hell else did Veronica think Toni was planning on doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I keep changing what will be where in each chapter I write... oops. Guess that just means more chapters! ;P Thanks once again for reading, bookmarking, commenting, subscribing, leaving kudos etc. – love ya’s!


	7. Chapter 6

That evening Sweet Pea came home with a bag of takeout Chinese food – a staple in the Southside, alongside the other popular ‘easy’ options of pizza, ramen and pasta – and they sat in the snug living room, Cheryl and Toni huddled as close as could be with a blanket wrapped around their shoulders at the edge of the now-sofabed watching something on television that didn’t require too much attention or care, with him and Fangs playing some card game between the coffee table and the other sofa, the only sound other than that coming from the poor quality speakers being that of forks against cardboard containers and quiet breathing. 

No sniffling, no tears, no raised voices or sarcastic comments. No.

It was a world away from all over emptional states in the past twenty hours. 

It was _also_ a world away from the definition of their typical Thursday night, which would otherwise have been spent hanging in the Wyrm playing snooker and listening to deeper adult voices around them complaining about low wages or gang rivalries or the lack of hot water or something else surrounding working class oppression. For tonight, even if it was for one night only, was nice to avoid all that for once; watch some trash nobody gave a shit about and take a break from reality, _ironically_ by watching reality shows. It made them feel like real teenagers – those who had nights in doing nothing and actually _enjoying_ that.

Toni had never been a chill person when it came to watching TV. She was one of the most level-headed of the Serpents (arguably _the_ most level-headed of the Serpents) and able to keep a steady hand under stress, sure, but he didn’t remember a time where she’d peacefully sat and watched even ten minutes of a show in silence. Sweet Pea wasn’t too sure why she did it, but she’d always give her input (regardless of whether it was appreciated – more often that not it _wasn’t_ ) on whatever was playing; even when the boys were watching some sports game or racing event she’d find some way to frown upon the reckless nature of it all (because being a gang _definitely_ wasn’t just as dangerous as that). It drove them crazy. But right here, right now, she was sat cross-legged next to and leaning into the taller girl, watching _Houswives Of Some-Place-Or-Another_ in silence as she pushed her portion of sweet and sour chicken around the takeout box, and she looked _happy_ – or at least _satisfied_ with the current situation.

And then there was Cheryl, sat in a similar position next to his best friend, which was even stranger than the way Toni was watching that piece of trash on the screen in dead silence because a) she was Cheryl Blossom and b) she was Cheryl Blossom. At the same time, it wasn’t the Cheryl Blossom he recognised from the street race or the hallways at school – she looked completely different, more like a shadow or maybe a ghost lingering in the background rather than the star of the show (for some reason, he’d always seen her as wannabe-Sharpay from _High School Musical_ – not that he was an avid fan of that trilogy, but Toni’s nine-year-old self had been and he’d been there to endure it). Hot Dog was lying to her right, puppy dog eyes half closed as the girl played with the scruffy (yes; scruffy) charcoal hair on his ears. It was as if he knew that this stranger was now an ally who needed the same protection he gave his own. 

“You like dogs?” Sweet Pea asked as a commercial came on. The largely-build boy was coming to the conclusion that if Toni was more than happy with her then he should be equally as accepting and try to get to know her a little at the very least. 

“Yeah.” It was a blunt answer, eyes remaining fixed on the screen she didn’t seem all that interested in. After a few minutes, she turned back to face him. “We used to have a couple when we lived at Thornhill. My father used to go hunting when he wasn’t... _busy_... so we had a few Irish Setters – think they’re called that anyway; he liked their colour – but they weren’t pets. They stayed in the barn and he got rid of them when they got too old.” The three Serpents exchanged glances upon noticing how her eyes were once again glossy from tears which threatened to fall, Toni raising an eyebrow at the tallest boy who raised his hands above his knees in a subtle surrender.

At the worst occasion possible they’d led her onto the topic of Jason and how her father took his life just like he took the lives of those dogs. Treated him – _them_ , as both son and daughter – like animals there to play nice until he didn’t, their purpose a myth, themselves useless, their lives threatened by the complicated world of assets and profit, and all because someone had made destined-to-be harmless comment about a fucking _dog_. In all painful honestly, though, it didn’t surprise Toni, knowing that the poor girl she loved had been through so much that every little thing in the world probably triggered her in some shape or form. _That_ hurt like a stab to the chest. _That_ made whatever they said something which could potentially bring up a horrifying memory.

When your whole life has been a horror story, the world as a whole is a very scary place indeed.

At least in Toni’s case, she had felt true happiness for quite a bit more than thirty seconds of her life, and she had her own family – the Serpents – even if it wasn’t if a biological format. Cheryl had never lived like her and she had never lived like Toni, so whilst their stories had similar sentences in them it was always merely that. 

“Hot Dog isn’t ours,” Toni was attempting to shy away from the sore topic of Cheryl Blossom’s life, “He’s the Serpent’s dog, and we take turns looking after him – it’s part of the initiation but also something we just do because that’s what it is.” 

“That’s so sweet,” Cheryl commented half-mindedly. Toni pulled a face. “What? You literally have a dog and if you don’t look after him you’re not allowed to join the gang.” 

Fangs shrugged. “If you can’t be trusted look after a dog then you can’t be trusted with another man’s back. He’s also a half-decent guard dog, even if he is pretty cute.”

“He’s clearly doing a good job. Letting me in without a hassle.” 

“Eh, he knows you’re with us.”

_With us._

Cheryl had not once imagined that she’d find herself thinking that without a grimace or some other disgusted look in her face, but here she was, with the Serpents, being offered a shuffled set of playing cards as the boring show came back from its breaking, and she felt safer than she’d ever felt. There wasn’t that constant fear of her mother taking her anger out on her, physically or psychologically; there wasn’t that heart-in-stomach sensation she’d lived with for a fortnight, ever since she’d began to piece together the story behind her brother’s murder; there wasn’t that worry of a stranger indentical to her dead father plotting to harm either her or her nana; there wasn’t the midnight screaming and discomfort and pain associated with conversion therapy. Instead of that negative sort of atmosphere she’d known nothing better than, she was now in one of nothing less than pure mutuality amongst people who, for once in her life, didn’t want to harm the redhead. She now understood why Toni had referred to the Serpents as her family so many times, why she called the boys her brothers. They really were the definition of an ideal family, minus the bloodlines. Cheryl didn’t remember a time where the Blossoms had ever sat down and had a borderline enjoyable time – sure; they were related by blood but that was all they had, and that’s all they would ever have (what the remaining of them had, that was). Not even at Christmas would they do so much as attempt to be a happy family. No wonder Cheryl had perfect grades, having dedicated her life to staying away from the parents she only ever wanted to please (yet never succeeded in doing so)...

_“Cheryl!”_

She shook her thoughts away at the familiar voice and smile less than a foot in front of her.

“You’re turn,” Toni nodded in the direction of the pile of cards on the table. 

“What was the last?”

“Three.” 

“Um...” she stared down at the several in her hand, hesitating. “Two fours.”

“Bullshit.”

Cheryl stared at her in disbelief. “How did y—”

“Years of practice,” Toni smirked, “and the fact that I in fact have three of the fours. Now take the cards.”

Sweet Pea chuckled at the disgruntled expression on the redhead’s face as he reached for the bottle of beer behind him. “You’ll get used to it, Blossom. Toni always wins. She knows what a lie looks like. You’ll see.”

Toni did win that game. Fangs was the second to go out, and Cheryl came third after a good ten minutes between her and Sweet Pea (with the subtle help of the other girl). A similar result came in the next game, and the one after. By the time they’d reached game number six Cheryl was struggling to keep herself from yawning every thirty seconds so they finished off with Sweet Pea as the victor and, with that, he headed to the shower and Fangs started to head back to his own trailer whilst Toni found some pyjamas for the two girls (well, for Cheryl a pair of red and green plaid pyjama bottoms she’d got from one of Fangs’ little brother for Christmas and a _F.R.I.E.N.D.S_ top, and for herself she settled with one of Sweet Pea’s massive t shirts which came just above her knees and a pair of cotton shorts), both girls then collapsing in each other’s arms.

_Each other’s arms._ Just where both had longed to find themselves for so long.

“Are you okay?” Toni murmured softly only a matter of minutes after they found themselves a comfortable position to lay in. 

“M’yeah.” She could feel the other girl’s warm breath on her neck. “Better than I was this time twenty-four hours ago.”

Right. _‘Better’_. That was like saying, _‘hey, I’ve been stabbed in a vital organ but at least the knife isn’t in there anymore’_ whilst bleeding to death.

“You know I’m right here now, okay? If you need anything just... I’m here?”

“I know that.”

“Just making sure,” Toni whispered as she brushed a strand of red away from the other girl’s cheek, kissing her forehead and leaving her lips to linger there for seconds following. “G’night.” 

“‘Night, Tiny,” she grinned to herself at the nickname she knew, from the way the boys were winding her up with it, that Toni hated. She swore that, if it had been light enough to see, the serpent would be grinning too. 

For a while, the dark room filled with silence. Toni felt the redhead’s breathing ease and her heart rate slow, at that point shutting her eyes as well as she pulled the blanket back over her shoulder for a minimal amount of extra warmth, and she was almost out when—

“Toni?”

She opened her eyes a crack at the small voice, groggily propping herself up a little on her elbow but not enough to disrupt their comfortable position. “Hmm? What is it?” 

“How come you live with Sweet Pea? Are you, like, emancipated or something?”

Oh.

She had a feeling that this topic of conversation would come around sooner or later, but she’d assumed the ‘later’ part of that. Only twenty-one hours in to their new accommodation, she wasn’t quite so readily prepared with a response to that question.

“Kind of,” Toni whispered after a long silence. “I mean, he is – his parents’ trailer isn’t too big so he moved out just under a year ago. They live in the park, though, so they still see a lot of him – like, sometimes they’ll invite us for dinner or his mom will bring us breakfast over. As for me, I just stop over quite a bit, which explains why a lot of my stuff is over there.”

“Don’t your parents mind that?”

“They’re not really around to give a shit about that anymore,” she sighed, shifting to lie on her back, as exhaustion (mixed with the lack of will to share her life story at this hour) pulled down on her eyelids. “As far as the authorities know I’m living with my uncle, but we don’t get on all that well so he’s not too bothered with me crashing with friends. I think he prefers it, actually, having his own space and all.” She gave her a small, sad smile. Not the whole truth, but it wasn’t exactly like she was telling a lie, either.

“I’m sorry that I asked. I didn’t mean—”

“Hey, no,” Toni frowned as she brushed another hair away from Cheryl’s face, “I’m being serious, it’s really not a big deal. To be honest it was going to be discussed at some point, so...” Toni shrugged. “It’s just a really long story and I don’t know if right now is the best time to talk about it. Like, it’s late. And after everything...” 

The other girl trailed off – a fine indication that the story wasn’t one to be shared, or at least not shared quite yet. Cheryl didn’t blame her. Sure, she knew nothing about the Serpent’s life but still, she’d been through enough trauma herself to understand that sharing a story wasn’t always a case of trust but often one of admitting the truth to yourself, and it would be hypocritical for her to beg for answers when she had purposefully missed out so much in her own storytime sessions – hell, she herself had shared virtually _nothing_ about her time at the Sisters with the shorter girl, and if she’d straight-up been _asked_ she probably wouldn’t have been able to make a sound. Regardless, whilst the serpent was dozing off to sleep, Toni’s skeleton of a story kept her wide awake and it  _did_ make Cheryl ask a million questions: 

Where were her parents? And why weren’t they ‘around here’ anymore?

Where did she sleep when she didn’t sleep here on this very couch?

What was her uncle like? Why didn’t they get on? 

But she wasn’t going to overstep on the question game. She couldn’t. She was already (as discovered only maybe twenty-something minutes ago) staying in a trailer which didn’t belong to her _or_ Toni. To say or do something which would have a negative reaction? It wasn’t fair. And, of course, there was that argument that life itself wasn’t fair, but _still_ – plainly and simply, no.

Instead of begging for more, too tired to bother with a cruel and needless interrogation process with the other girl or process a single thing which came to mind, she adjusted her position on the sofabed, trying to bury herself into the other girl as comfortably close as she could. Toni opened her eyes a crack at the slight movement, murmuring something ambiguous against the redhead’s forehead before throwing her arm around the redhead’s waist, pulling her closer as if she was scared if she let go, she would go as well – the cause of all this shit happening – as she bid a silent prayer that, this time their sleep wouldn’t be interrupted by demons in the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two days late – I’ve been busy every single day since last Wednesday, don’t mind that – but finally here’s chapter six! I’ll try and write chapter seven for next Wednesday but in the end I might have to abandon the posting schedule for a while!


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Minorly implied suicidal thoughts

They did sleep peacefully that night.

For Cheryl, it had been the first night in a very long time where she had slept without a single interruption – be that a nightmare or the bumps in the night which came from her mother’s new-found ‘career’ – and it felt amazing. Sleep wasn’t something she took for granted anymore, something she even _feared_ ever since Jason had left way back in early July, because it was no longer a peaceful escape from the painful real life and instead a place where the monsters of her imagination could reach out and hurt her and the people she loved most. She had tried her hardest _not_ to sleep during her time away at the Sisters, terrified of what might happen in the time she closed her eyes there, but the drugs she’d had forced upon her there went against her will for that. Some nights there she even went so far as to question what the point of it all was – living in pain, sleeping in pain, _constantly_ being in pain – and had to push back those same crushing thoughts which had led to her to Sweetwater River on the day of the jubilee. But right here, right now, she felt well-rested – maybe even well-rested enough to go the day _without_ her usual cup of coffee.

Toni, too, was grateful for the rest on all fronts. After all, it hadn’t just been Cheryl who wasn’t sleeping during her apparent absence from the world – Toni had spent too many sleepless nights in the past two weeks up worrying about the redhead, sitting on her phone sending text and voicemails in desperate but weak hope that perhaps, on maybe just one instance, there would be response from her other side of the line. With Cheryl in her arms, alongside the knowledge that she had a secure place for them both to stay for the near future thanks to Sweet Pea’s generosity, the butterflies in her stomach were finally starting to settle; the fact that Cheryl was in her arms and _peaceful_ was enough to calm her worries – just about, anyway.

They slept soundly until just past half ten in the morning, Toni being the first to arise to something wet and disgusting on her ear. She pushed it away, being met with tatty strands of what felt like rope between her fingers, accompanied in by an inhuman whine.

Inhuman because the source was, in fact, the bloody _dog_ which had decided to make itself at home in this trailer last night.

“What the fuck do you want?” she muttered sleepily, which was followed up by a sharp bark coming from the animal which, by the way, was really starting to stink the room out. “Shut up.” When it opened its mouth again she didn’t for a second hesitate to throw the blanket off her body and open the front door, not risking any more noise which would be likely to wake the other girl who had started to stir. By the time she had closed the door and turned back to get back into bed, the redhead was sat up rubbing her eyes with her heels of her hands.

“Morning,” Toni smiled softly at the other girl as she sat back down on the sofabed next to her, reaching out for the hand which had pulled itself from under the blanket. “Sorry; I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“S’okay,” the redhead yawned, wrapping an arm around the shorter girl’s waist as Toni bringing her forehead to her lips, “I was practically awake anyway.”

“Di—did you sleep well?” Cheryl didn’t miss the way those simple words were uttered with such hesitance, as if Toni was afraid to ask the question or even _know_ the answer. In fairness, she didn’t blame her one bit considering the events of the night before this past one.

“Yes, actually,” Cheryl spoke with as much confidence and honesty as she had within her, determined to let Toni know that _that_ was the very truth. “Best I’ve had in ages. You?”

“I’m glad,” Toni smiled warmly. “And same – until that dog woke me up with a tantrum, at least.”

Cheryl smirked in unison with the serpent beside her, “You love him really, though, don’t you.”

“True. I kind of do,” the shorter girl grinned. “When he doesn’t bark at me, anyway.”

“He _is_ cute.”

“Can you stop calling the guard dog cute please?”

“Says the five-foot-nothing gang member who has Hannah Montana in her DVD collection.”

“Just because I grew up around a bunch of criminals doesn’t mean that I wasn’t allowed to be a typical nine-year-old,” she groaned, “Anyway, yes; Hot Dog is a champ. Serpent mascot is his second job, and emotional support his third. Still, he’s a pain in the backside.”

“I know someone who’s a better emotional support than that stray,” Cheryl smiled and winked at the serpent, who only rolled her eyes.

“Anyway... Breakfast? We have toast, cereal, probably eggs, maybe bacon, or I can see if there’s any pancake mix anywhere if you—”

“Toni,” Cheryl couldn’t help but smile at the other girl who was basically raiding every cupboard in the small dated kitchen. “Toast is fine. _Honestly._ And I can make my own. I am _more_ than capable of being a normal human being, even if I was rich.”

 _Was._ Probably not very rich anymore, though, she thought.

“Well, I have the right to make you breakfast in bed, so live with it. You can repay me at some point if you have to, so long as you don’t burn Sweet Pea’s trailer down because I don’t think he’d be best pleased with that.”

Cheryl frowned a little as she remembered that this wasn’t Toni’s house. She frowned a little more when she remembered what Toni had said last night about her housing situation, but that expression slackened upon the thought of how reluctant the other girl seemed about justifying that and she decided to let it drop – for now at least, anyway.

“What are you thinking about?”

Cheryl’s brain switched back on at the sound of the sweet but sincere, almost _curious_ voice coming from the kitchen quarters, and the way it was laced with concern made her want to do everything _but_ lie to the other girl.

“You.”

For a moment Toni looked as if she didn’t believe her, raising an eyebrow to challenge the statement which fell back down soon after when she apparently decided not to do so.

 _Of course_ she wouldn’t, because she’d made it very clear from day one that she wasn’t going to explicitly ask the question she seemed to want, maybe even feel the need, but wouldn’t dare to ask.

That question being: _what the fuck did those ‘people’ (how could they be classed as people though?) do to you to you on that absolute prison of a place?_

Instead, Toni asked her how she liked her toast, made it exactly how Cheryl asked, and then brought it over, grabbing the TV remote on the way, sitting down on the couch with two full plates and turning the channel to some 2000s sitcom, exchanging only a few smiles as they ate.

“So, any movie requests for today?”

Cheryl turned to her, racking her brain for the name of a movie she’d been wishing to see for a while or something good she’d seen in Toni’s collection (the girl had an great taste in movies – who knew a biker chic would have that many of the classics the rich girl was able to fully quote?), before her eyes turned to the pile of burgundy and blue cotton screwed up in a pile next to the wall.

“Not a request for a _movie_ but...” she got up, reaching as far as her sore back she’d earned from hailing sandbags would allow her for the rough material from the floor with so much caution as if she was afraid would burn her, leaving a physical scar alongside the many other psychological ones barring her brain. She stared down at it, taking in every small detail she’d memorised out of sheer boredom and loneliness, feeling her heart skip a beat (or maybe _stop_?) and her throat go dry as the thoughts and images came back to her. She jumped at the gentle hand in her upper arm, glancing down to meet those concerned chocolate brown eyes she recognised all too well, the sheer silence suffocating.

“I want to burn them,” Cheryl uttered coldly.

It took very little time for Toni to make up her mind.

“Okay.”

“I want to watch them burn until they are unrecognisable – and even _beyond_ that,” she spat those words out with such malice the Serpent had never heard from her (many people, for that matter) before – not in the hallways at school, nor to her whenever she spoke about some shit her mother had done to her even before she made all _this_ horror happened. Deep down she knew that this only came from pain, and currently she was in agony so no doubt would the redhead be so aggressive in her choice of words, and for a second that almost made her second think that idea.

“Okay,” she nodded confidently, reaching out for the clothing in Cheryl’s clutch. “Okay. Let’s get dressed, and _then_  we do that. I know a place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand we get Cheryl ft. fire 2.0 (or whatever number we’re at there) next week!


	9. Chapter 8

Back in the days of Southside High, Toni and the other Serpents used to come to this small clearing in the wooded area by Sweetwater River all the time. Nowadays, however, they’d only find themselves here once in a while – after all, their days of skipping every other class were long gone, and Riverdale High was a good five minutes further away than that other dump they’d barely received any lame excuse of educative material at had been. Besides, Riverdale High wasn’t exactly the type of school who didn’t give two shits about walk-outs and drop-outs, and the northside definitely wasn’t the type of area where people didn’t bat an eyelid at teenagers wandering the streets in school hours.

Besides, Toni doubted that, other factors eliminated, she’d go back to her old ways now. She’d said at the time that transferring to Riverdale High was probably the best thing which could ever happen, and as weeks has passed she hadn’t changed her opinion on the matter. She wasn’t going to abuse that privilege of a fresh start by bunking off whenever she didn’t feel like going to maths class.

Although, wasn’t that exactly what she was doing right this second?

It _was_ for a good cause, of course; Cheryl wouldn’t have been fit to go – early days after a traumatic event weren’t days suited to textbooks and staring strangers – and Toni wasn’t going to break that promise of never letting her out of her sight again by leaving her back at the trailer whilst she tried to her back on top of years of schoolwork.

She wondered if the school knew about Cheryl being away, whether they’d called her mom, and what she’d said to them in return. Then again, Penelope was too rich and powerful for the school to stand up to... she knew from simply living in the same square kilometre of a ton of people with similar ‘ways’ to the bitch that the pay wasn’t terrible.

“How did you find this place?” Cheryl questioned as she took everything in, from the random battered couches to the the old corrugated shed behind to the rusty fire pit in the centre of the clearing. It kind of reminded her of those places in those anti-drugs or anti-alcohol school movies, considering the secluded location and graffitied building behind them, only more... safe? Cosy? _Legal?_

“Some of the Serpents used to work here by in the docks before they moved the industry upstream,” Toni commented, reaching down to pick up the lighter which had been laid under a clump of browning grass, “We’ve kind of made it our own since then.”

“It’s peaceful.”

“Not when Sweet Pea and the guys are here,” the shorter girl chuckled, “but, yeah, it is. It’s _nice_.”

Toni gazed up to the taller girl by her side scanning her face for any signs of discomfort as they spent the next few moments stood in silence. She had been this close to adding the bit about how the teen Serpents would spend Independence Day here year in, year out, but upon remembering the reason why they’d neglected their fireworks and barbecues that time last year she quickly shut her mouth.

Cheryl didn’t need that. Toni already felt guilty enough about her people’s involvement the Blossom twin’s death and bringing up a trigger like that, especially so shallow into this recovery process – or whatever it went by – was just damn cruel.

Pushing those thoughts back to the part of her brain labelled _‘do not touch’_ , she held the lighter out to the other girl and cleared any trace of negativity from her throat. “You ready?”

Cheryl nodded, running her fingertips through the uncomfortable fabric and taking in every tear stain, every dusty patch, and every crease which lived within the poor-quality fibres. The rough texture and harsh smell of antiseptic caused bile to rise in the back of her throat at the mere memory of those peeling walls and mystery pills and the overly cheerful voiceover of those old movies, the way the nurses had touched her, undressed her... she swallowed hard and uncomfortably before it took the chance to rise any higher, flinching at the light touch of a hand on her elbow as she shot a small smile of reassurance back to the angel-like face of the girl to her side.

_Angel-like._

Both physically and within, Toni Topaz was like an angel. No – change that to a metaphor – she _was_ an angel, _is_ an angel, and she’ll probably an angel for the rest of eternity. Cheryl couldn’t imagine her being anything less than that.

Her own little guardian angel. What Jason had been to her before... oh _God..._

Jason was gone, but Toni was here now. No; she wasn’t in his place, but she _was_ helping her to fill the Jason-shaped hole in heart which would have eventually killed her otherwise... had almost killed _her_ not even five months back.

And _that_ was enough.

She pointed her vision back down to her hand, and more importantly the lighter in its grip. A sharp click fell in sync with the new appearance of a small blue source of energy which flickered delicately in the soft noon breeze, and Cheryl watched it for a while, in wonder of how something so small could be produced in merely a narrow cylinder at the press of an even smaller black button, in wonder at how something so small and beautiful could turn to something deadly in a matter of seconds.

Milliseconds, even.

A single, subtle movement and that delicate little flame could transform into the most terrifying red blaze, eating up everything and anything that got in its way.

One lit cigarette thrown towards some dry grass – like in that annoying film where a cat rescued a kitten and two dogs fell in love – _devastation_.

One strike of lightning on the tallest tree in Fox Forest – _devastation_.

One spark on a dried out Christmas tree – _devastation_. She still didn’t understand why Betty had shared that safety video on Facebook the Christmas before last, but she couldn’t deny the way that it was kind of satisfying to watch the flames lick up that outdated living room and transform everything to a pile ashes.

One dropped candelabra in a haunting old mansion...

She couldn’t burn the fucking material.

“Okay,” Toni, noticing the large extent to which the redhead was struggling in this moment from her right, gently tugged at her wrist for her to come away, “let’s just go and take a minute, alright?”

Cheryl noticed how dry her mouth was and how her vision had began to spot, every joint from her knuckles to her knees threatening to turn limp and debilitated. The pink-haired Serpent kicked the clothes of death out of eyesight behind the pit the second they dropped to the ground, wondering if their mere presence was the cause of the situation, but they weren’t what she was worried about; the thing that was concerning her the most was the way the lighter was gripped tightly in a shaking fist clenched so hard that the skin had turned paper-white

“Can you give me that, please?”

It was an attempt – a weak attempt at that, but it didn’t seem that much else would draw the other girl’s attention away from that little source of energy which danced at the end of the stick at the rapid, involuntary movement of her wrist. She was so engaged, in fact, in trying to gain eye contact that she almost didn’t manage to catch the lighter when it slipped through shaking fingers. Of course, grabbing it by the wrong end wasn’t exactly the desirable solution, the shorter girl mentally cursing the damn thing as as the palm of her hand met the sharp burn on the naked flame.

She brushed her pain off and ignored her head willing her to run it under cold water for ten minutes, locking those thoughts away in the compartment labelled _‘deal with later’,_ even if she would most likely have the _Try_ by P!NK in her head for the rest of the day, some stupid little burn wasn’t going to end her.

“Take a deep breath, it’s okay,” Toni sighed, wrapping a gentle arm around the other girl’s shaking shoulders as she guided her away to one of the bashed-up couches behind them. “ _Breathe._ Breathe. I’m right here, ‘kay?” she soothed.

The tentative, caring tone caused tears to form and threaten to slip over the redheads eyelids.

 _She didn’t deserve this,_ Cheryl thought; _she didn’t deserve her._ In the end, she’d just end up bruised and scarred – just like everybody else who’d entered her life and spend more than one second in it – and that was the very last thing Cheryl wanted. She wasn’t going to let that end up as Toni’s reward for saving her from herself.

The shorter girl shook her head, a frown on her features and worry clear in her eyes as she stroked the redhead’s pale hand with the pad of her thumb comfortingly. “Just take a minute. You’re okay.”

It was as if she could read her every thought. Cheryl couldn’t figure out whether she liked that or not, but she knew that the shorter girl wasn’t doing it to be intrusive. _No;_ she was acting this way, second guessing every action, trying to figure out where her head was at because she cared – she cared a million times more than everyone else she’d ever known, even maybe Jason.

She never thought she’d hear herself say that. She never believed that, after he’d left, she’d ever have someone care about her in the slightest again.

How the tables can turn.

“What’s going on up there?” Toni asked softly after a short while, nodding subtly towards her forehead as she ran a hand through the fiery hair. Cheryl leaned into the touch, letting her eyes droop halfway. She was still tired – a severely messed up body clock, alongside two weeks of mystery meds followed up by nothing, was clearly not doing her the world.

“It was a just a thought,” the redhead mumbled eventually, only just loud enough for the other girl to hear. “It’s nothing.”

“You can tell me?” Toni’s forehead creased in concern. Still, though, no answer came. A shake of the head accompanied that. Fine, Toni thought, it would come out in its time. Cheryl trusted her... right? “Maybe it will help,” she continued, “Please Cher – I want to help you. I want for you to be okay again.”

“I wasn’t okay in the first place,” the northsider scowled, Toni rolling her eyes at the bitter honesty.”

“I know. I’m sorry. But you can’t live by keeping things from others; doing that... it isn’t going to solve any problems.”

Toni gripped Cheryl’s hand a little tighter with pleading eyes. _“Talk to me.”_

The redhead paused for a moment in contemplation before her neutral facial expression transformed into a malicious frown. “Nothing happened,” she spat.

Following that moment of verbal aggression, she was half-expecting Toni to flinch just like everybody else in the world would, or maybe run away. She definitely wasn’t expecting a mere shake of the head as she smiled that same sympathetic half smile she constantly worse on her face.

That was what frustrated her the most; she wasn’t going to win this battle, and that was a statement essentially confirmed. The war was yet to be taken, but right now there was no denying that this other girl was the current victor. Upon figuring that she most likely was not going to win, Cheryl’s head fell back in to her own hands – the place it practically lived, in all honesty – as she inhaled deeply. It was strange, really, since they were on the same side of the battlefield yet, right this second, they in were one against one situation in attempt to unite... that explanation had definitely made no sense, yet since when did life – her own life, more specifically – make any more sense than that?

“We don’t have to talk now,” Toni went on unfazed, “We can just sit and talk for a few minutes.” Cheryl raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Maybe not about that, but something off topic? Or we can go home, if you want, and come back and do this another day?”

“No,” I muffled sigh escaped the redhead’s lips. “Now. _Today._ I want to try again. I promise I’m okay. But first—”

She swallowed hard, remembering exactly what had caused the issue in the first place with crossed fingers.

“First, I have to tell you something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this, last, and next chapter we’re all meant to be one big chapter but it turned out to just not be going down, aha! Also, I have hayfever so the proof read may not have been as efficient as usual... fun, fun lives.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: minor implications of suicide

They had sat in silence for a while. Not long theoretically – perhaps only five or ten minutes – but mentally it felt as if not one word hadn’t been said for eternity. Between Cheryl trying to pluck up whatever courage to tell the shorter girl exactly what had upset her enough to cause that slight – well, she didn’t really know _what_ it had been or _why_ it had happened – and then the shorter girl herself so desperate to know the same yet at the same time not wanting to intrude on the same topic, there really wasn’t much _to_ be said.

“You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

Cheryl _did_ know that, undeniably. The Serpent had used it was a push, really; something to remind them of the situation – that of them sat plainly exposed in the cold February air, Toni consciously shivering under her slouchy black t-shirt and leather jacket whilst Cheryl subconsciously was doing the same in her borrowed undersized clothes with the chill not quite registering in her wandering mind, all of which going on in front of the crackling orange blaze in always the exact centre of the clearing which had been the sole reason for them coming down here in the first place.

But _trust_.

Trust wasn’t something easy, and Toni knew that well enough. Broken promises and broken hearts and broken families had only amplified its difficulty for her to undergo that little act which was simply brushed under the rug as something ‘easy’ by so many, and when you have a hundred enemies it seems as if only a select few deserve such a rarity. The pink-hadired girl figured that this would be a similar case for Cheryl; after all, the Blossom’s had never been the typical cereal packet family and the verbal abuse she’d seen – _let alone_ whatever had been going on behind closed doors – would have personally made her shy away from the hand she, right now, was almost begging for the the redhead to hold in deadly fear of that difficult promise being broken.

And then she had only jumped into the redhead’s life recently, so that alongside the many losses she’d experienced – Heather, Jason, her satanic father (not that _he_ mattered, but it still got past as the dictionary definition of a loss), probably more – meant that Toni wasn’t expecting all too much to come out of this.

Toni _did_ know, however, that talking and confiding and damn _having_ someone there had helped her through her own tougher days – the days of her life which she wanted so badly to forget despite the slowly-fading scars deeply ingrained to give a constant reminder that she had lived the life she had. When she’d had nothing, she’d had the Serpents – her own little family, as stupid as it was with several of them being ex-convicts and the rest of them being members of a gang, her inevitably ending up as a member of the same gang a couple of years on. Now, following on with their community values, she had to be that person to Cheryl – sure, the smallest family ever, but a guardian angel the same.

 _“_ It’s hard,” Cheryl sighed, forehead still buried deep into her hand, “I want to tell you but I don’t want to—“

 _“_ Anything you say won’t make me think any differently of you. I promise.”

“I don’t see how you can say that when you barely know me,” Cheryl muttered, “I’m a horrible person. I _hate_ me.”

“If you’re saying that, then you must barely know yourself either,” Toni’s voice might have remained soft and sweet but deep down she was angry – fucking _fuming_ at Penelope Blossom for allowing such a beautiful being to break and, just like a broken vase she’d knocked off a shelf in a store which she didn’t give two damns about, making a pathetic excuse to get out of paying for the extensive damage done – however well she’d succeeded concealing that dangerous emotion; maybe one of the influences in that was her knowledge that one day, probably a long way forward in the calendar but just one day nonetheless, Penelope Blossom would be paying the high price for what she’d done. “Because I can’t see a single thing to hate about you. I can’t see a single thing _not_ to love about you.”

Usually compliments disgusted the redhead. They’d only really ever come from jocks who wanted nothing more than to get the girl fro a night or two, or the ‘family friends’ and ‘associates’ who forced the words out of their own mouths at those _dreadful_ dinner parties at Thornhill entirely to create a good impression in front of her father. Nonetheless, Cheryl had never had something genuinely nice said to her face... until a certain serpent had appeared in her life, that was.

_Oh, how things had changed._

With Toni, who'd made it clear that she _wasn’t_ doing it for her own benefit, she didn’t know how to react to them. She didn’t even know if they were real. She even doubted that _this_ was real.

Yes, Cheryl had wondered on more than one occasion in this past just-less-than-a-month whether this ‘new life’ just happened to be one long, unfortunate dream after all, and she’d just wake up one day back in her own bed at Thistle House and the two girls would go on with their lives as they had before, Toni hating northside and her own perspective being the same for the southside.

Or maybe Toni was just doing this as a favour because she felt sorry for the redhead...

Toni wouldn’t do that. She wasn’t like that. She was the polar opposite of what Cheryl assumed every serpent to be like – careless, heartless, minacious. Toni was way too nice, way too sweet, and way too giving.

“Look at me,” Cheryl’s eyes flickered towards the hand which was reaching out to cradle her cheek, leaning into the touch. “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to leave you. I want to _help_ you, and you _have_ to let me in because if you don’t... then who knows what could happen?”

 _She sounds pained,_ Cheryl concluded. Toni sounded pained. Scared? Desperate to know? Desperate to understand? That too. That, those, and probably a hundred different emotions.

Which only made her feel guilty.

The redhead leaned back against the uncomfortable, poorly stuffed back of the old sofa. She had to tell her, and maybe if she didn’t say anything now she never would and the events of that night would never come out, there to torment her for however many years she had left.

She didn’t specify that in numbers anymore; she didn’t remember the last death in this town belonging to someone anywhere near the top of their life expectancy.

“You’re going to hate me.”

“You know that I could never do that?” Toni caught the redhead’s eye for a maybe a split second before Cheryl quickly turned away to stare back down at the frayed cotton of Toni’s black ripped jeans as if were the the most interesting things in the world. Some battles couldn’t be won whilst leaning on someone else’s shoulder with only half the weight on the ground, and the Serpent could recognise that the northsider was trying to steady herself and build up that motivation and confidence to face the issue head on.

“You know, we don’t have to do this right now? We can come back tomorrow, or another day, or maybe not ever if you don’t want to do this. Burning the clothes, I mean. Just— don’t feel pressured into saying something if you don’t want to yet. I get it do you don’t want to talk, considering...”

Cheryl shook her head subtly.

_No._

Now.

But then...

Now.

_Now._

She had to do this _now_.

And before any secondary thoug—

“I burned down Thornhill.”

—it was out.

_Oh._

_Oh,_ Toni thought.

“Okay.”

What now? Did Toni hate her? Did Toni think she was crazy? _Was_ she crazy? Did she deserve to be ha—

“I— I hate myself for doing it.” Her voice cracked towards the end.

In the moment, on that cold mid-October night, she hadn’t really been all too conscious of what she was doing. One second she was in a frozen river and the next she was in a burning building. Waking up from her first sleep following the Thornhill fire was like waking up from the most crazy dream, and coming to the realisation that she had actually done it – it scared her to think of how much she was capable of. Perhaps she had something wrong with her. People aren’t supposed to gain thrill from burning down their own homes and all the memories, belongings – whatever – which has gone down with it. Now, the mere fact that Toni and Sweet Pea were living in a trailer not even half the size of the upstairs hall made things so much worse than before. They would have died for a house like that, and she’d had it and everything which had laid in it given to her with the only cost of it all being some disgusting name to carry. Now all that lay as blackened remains buried deep under infinite tonnes of rubble, cut off from the public by a few construction fences and odd scraps of police tape caught in the gates and bushes.

She’d gone back a few times. Only really for Jason, especially now that the headstone had been placed. Every time she’d go, she would keep her head turned away from the blackened skeleton she was admittedly scared of and she wouldn’t dare look through the trees-lined path which led to that barn a mile or so down the road.

“Cher, look, I’m not upset or angry or anything at all?” Toni tilted her head to the side, staring at the redhead with those same soft eyes as every other hundredth time before, gently massaging endless patterns against her shaking hands. “I get it. I _get_ why you did it. I really do. Anybody would, Cheryl. It’s _okay_.”

The redhead just shook her head.

“I committed a crime. _You_ probably haven’t even committed arson – and _you’re_ a Southside Serpent.”

Toni chuckled. “I mean, I’ve set fire to, like, a dozen trash cans before?”“That’s not the same,” Cheryl muttered.

“Probably worse a sentence since it wasn’t even my property,” Toni shrugged.

The smile faded, Toni’s doing the same alongside it as her forehead creased with a concerned frown.

“I swear I wasn’t thinking straight—”

“No, no _of course_ you weren’t,” Toni reached up to wipe away one of the silent tears Cheryl had barely noticed to have fallen, shaking her head as she spoke in a confrontational yet at the same time gentle tone. “After everything that happened and everything in the press, I really don’t blame you.”

Jason’s murder had resulted in her life being released to the public, her photo on the cover of even the mainstream newspapers. Her name could have been being said, _who knows_ , five thousand kilometres away on the Pacific Coast? People had probably theorised that she had murdered her brother in some way. Well, that wasn’t exactly a lie, she thought. Being exposed in that way was the most shameful thing ever, and what was even more shameful than that was the fact that your father murdered your twin brother, that your mother is an abusive witch who hates you for the way you were born, that you betrayed the two of them and unknowingly rowed your brother across a river to his end. She’d seen the tweets and the comments and everything else. She’d received the looks, heard the whispers, and dealt with even suspicions from her friends.

_Great friends they were._

Whatever. Barely lasted.

“I wouldn’t expect a long list of rational thoughts to come through at a time like that, either.” The pink-haired girl gently nudged the amber-haired one in the side, forcing another laugh from her.

“I—” 

“Stop,” Toni shifted her leg away from one of the uncomfortable springs digging into it. “Why are you apologising to me? You didn’t choose your life, and I didn’t choose mine. You had it given to you, and when you tried to take it back all hell broke loose. This isn’t your fault, trust me on this one?”

_This isn’t your fault._  

The number of times Toni had said those four words made Cheryl feel as if it _was_ her fault. That was what you get from reading between the lines of the people are try hard to get on your side.

“Do you–” Cheryl hesitated. “–do you think that I’m crazy?”

That was answered by a firm, “no.”

This definitely wasn’t going to become a conversation the redhead would win easily. It probably wasn’t going to become a conversation the redhead would win, period.

“We all do things we regret.”

Cheryl knew too many things she did regret. “I only seem to do things I end up regretting.” 

“Name the number of things I’ve done which I regret,” Toni groaned. “You’ll be here forever.” 

“It’s different when you’re in a gang.”

“It’s different when your family is fucked up. No offence.” 

Cheryl managed a grin in return. “None taken.”

A bemused expression fell on Toni’s face.

“What’s so funny?” 

“Not a lot, actually,” Toni smirked. “I’m just trying to take in the fact that my theory about the fire was correct.”

The redhead’s jaw dropped. “Before you even knew me you—”

Toni shook her head as another escaping giggle fell from her mouth. “Seriously, you thought that a fire taking place in a house once lived in by a cold-blooded killer could ‘accidentally’ burn to the ground and everyone took the truth as just that? I thought you had a 4.0 GPA?”

It was a gamble. Toni could only plead to the heavens above that the taller girl wouldn’t taken offence to her words, and she felt her chest loosen considerably when the redhead burst out laughing.

That was a beautiful sight. 

When their ribs hurt too much, eyes bleeding with tears of laughter, they leant back into each other, Cheryl resting her head on the shorter girls shoulder and the shorter girl herself leaning her own as much towards Cheryl’s as she could manage. “It’s good to see you laugh,” the serpent murmured, gazing off into the distance.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before,” the redhead shrugged, misery as a slight undertone as she played with the darker fingers, a major contract against her pasty ones, “thank you.” 

“You have to stop thanking me for being a decent human being.” 

Cheryl shrugged. Toni did understand why Cheryl was closing herself off and telling herself that she didn’t deserve someone to be a decent human being around her, and that awful truth of the reason why ached even more than the denial of who she was and what she deserved. Of course, someone telling you that you were indecent and disgusting and loveless (not to mention probably a million other horrifying things) for your entire short life, especially during the most influential stages of childhood and adolescencehood when you know nothing better than those words about yourself because of what others have told you, was inevitably going to be damaging – maybe even permanently, maybe even if you had the words most influential and incredible therapist to guide you through that process. Well, they didn’t have that. Toni was going to be enough. Toni _had_ to be enough. There was no other solution besides her trying to the best of ability to be enough – more than enough, preferably, however impossible that would definitely prove to be.

“Seriously, though, why are you so good to me?” Cheryl questioned. “It’s not like I’ve ever been nice to you, nor the rest of the Serpents?”

Toni sighed, frowning and chewing at the inside of her cheek as she looked down at her knees. “I know what fake smiles and sad expressions look like. And you looked so lonely... I didn’t want anything – y’know – to come out of that.” She flashed the redhead a quick smirk to lighten up the dark-turning mood. “ _Plus_ I may or may not have had a slight crush on you.”

Cheryl laughed weakly and quietly, her expression then changing to something more puzzled. “How did you know that I was...” she trailed off, unable say the word – partially because she didn’t know what words to say, but mainly because of the ingrained idea, even right now, that it was wrong. 

“Honestly, I didn't. I don’t have, say, a gaydar as trustworthy as Kevin or someone’s, but I saw that something was up and that’s what really mattered. I’d still want to help even if it was something else... sure, I liked you – like, really liked you – and I could only wish that you liked girls, but I thought you could just do with a friend, max.” She gazed off into the flames which danced, the smoke beginning to sting her eyes a little. Cheryl was still looking down at her knees, almost shamefully. This caught Toni’s eye. “Hey, I’m so proud of you. You know that?”

“My whole life, I have been told that what I am is wrong,” Toni’s heart broke as Cheryl’s voice did the same, “I’ve been told my whole life that I’m a mistake, that she wished I was dead... I wanted to just— just disappear—”

Toni brushed through her hair, less tangled than before but still lacking it’s usual shine and picture perfection, swiping one of the fallen cheers from the other girl’s cheek with the free thumb.

“And now this has happened... it— it’s almost as if it’s something meant to be.”

Toni shook her head firmly. “You don’t deserve this. Your mother... I know I shouldn’t be saying this if it were any other circumstance but I hate her. I really do. For her to act the way she does, not give a damn about you... I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine— just— _God_ — I’m so sorry, Cheryl.”

She was just sorry. She couldn’t even say anything else to that other than that she was sorry for the ther girl, the girl who had been through so much, had received so much undeserved maltreatment... in all honesty, ‘sorry’ wasn’t even a strong enough word to do it. Seeing Cheryl in a state she even hinted to anybody else could easily bring a tear to her eyes. Sure, she’d faced her fair deal of blows to the ground, but just nothing compared to what Cheryl had.

“It’s not your fault.”

Yet she hadn’t acted upon what Cheryl had told her. She hadn’t signed Penelope Blossom off as a harmful person when she should have. She could have called the police, the Serpents – _anybody_ – but she hadn’t, and now, knowing the dreadful consequences of what had happened, she felt guilty as hell about not doing something as little as sending a warning. Before she could think of any worse scenario, she was interrupted by the tips of Cheryl’s fingers caught on to the red patch on the other girl’s hand, and she sat up, grabbing it and turning it over to inspect more clearly. Toni swallowed hard.

“I—” she could feel the tears creeping to the front of her eyes. Guilty tears. She had hurt the other girl. That was something she couldn’t live out.

“When the lighter slipped out of your hand I picked it up by the wrong damn end,” she smiled assuringly.

“I _hurt_ you—”

“Better me getting burned than the floor.”

“ _No_ —”

She had _hurt_ Toni. _Toni_ , who had never placed even a toe in the wrong direction, of all people. She had left her scar on her just like she had on so many others.

“Hey?” Toni brushed a hand over Cheryl’s cheekbone, much more pointed than it had been before _(they really had starved her, hadn’t they?)_ , cupping it so that their eyes would meet. “Don’t do this to yourself. It’s a little burn, it barely hurts, it was an accident and I’ve had a lot worse.”

Cheryl could see that in the darker shades of bruises lining her knuckles. She did feel guilty about the burn. It was her fault. But she was too mentally exhausted to argue. Silently, she let that turn of conversation drop, curious by whatever stories those layers and layers of scar material had to tell.

“What are they from, anyway?” The redhead, careful not to rub over the most recent injury, picked her the smaller hand and inspected every blemish, big or small, covering her hand.

“Solid things I’ve punched in my lifetime.”

“People?”

“Doors and walls, too.”

_Why_ , though? People, she understood, yeah – the other girl was a serpent, as much as she didn’t want to think about it of course she would get into some fights now and again – but the latter?

“Why?”

Toni shrugged. “Dunno.”

Honestly, Toni didn’t. Well, she did – a good third of the damage was from endless rapping on her uncle’s door whenever he locked her out. The rest were probably out of frustration. Whilst in reality she barely remembered the cause of each blemish, she wasn’t sure she wanted to. She didn’t need to.

“What’s worse?”

“As in people or inanimate objects?” A puzzled expression grew on her face. “I don’t enjoy punching anything, to be fair.”

She heard a small laugh fall from the redhead’s lips. Small, but progress by a long distance. Cheryl grinned, raising an eyebrow. “What, did a wall come running at you or something?”

Toni responded with a quiet chuckle. “You know what I mean, Bombshell.”

She did. She understood that as much as she could from her own experiences of punching walls.

There was a long silence before Toni spoke again. Both girls were happy enough just glancing up and smiling at each other every so often, comfort easily found in each other making it not so awkward after all. They were okay. They had each other. To Cheryl, that meant everything. To Toni, that was only exaggerated by the fear of losing here just like she had up until Wednesday night. It felt as if a lifetime had past since then. Maybe they both had died when they were pulled apart and their life picked up again from that kiss. Life apart barely was life at all these days.

“We can go home, if you want to?” Toni offered, gesturing to the flaming metal pit, angle of her shoulders pointing more that slightly towards the odd rags of material peeking out from just where it had been chucked behind it as she shivered. “If it’s triggered you or something, I mean. We can come back another day, or whenever you want?”

Cheryl shook her head firmly.

“I– I want to do this Toni. Now. If I don’t, then whenever else?”

“It’s literally been, what, a d–”

“If I don’t do this now, I’ll be thinking about it for weeks on end. That will only make me remember...”

Toni knew what was being implied. It was true. The more she postponed it, the longer it would be on her waiting list and the more time she’d have to dwell on it and think about the Sisters over and over. It seemed logical. Maybe it was the better solution.

The pink-haired serpent girl sighed and cocked her head as a gesture, holding out her hand and pulling the redhead back up off the couch. “If you’re ready.”

‘Ready’ was an ambiguous emotion. It stood more for ‘now or never’ than anything else. Still, she took the lighter and the scraps of creased fabric which only reminded her of those two weeks of agony, misery and isolation, glancing across to Toni for the nod of approval she’d been anticipating before letting the flames lick away at that symbol.

This time however, unlike Thornhill, the flames wasn’t associated with anger or an escape from her own life. Sure, they were similar in the way they'd both represented the start of something new, but this time she wasn’t requesting authority. This time it wasn’t the end to what had been. A dark phoenix reborn in the spotlight – that’s what she was. Toni had been a new start. It was already starting to show. From now on, she was going to live the way she’d always wanted to.

And that was normal. Loved. Happy. In love. Positive. And the trillion other things she owed to that one girl who’d saved her: Toni Topaz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand I finally updated so well done on that then, self! Urghh had such an editors block having written a good 3.5k around two weeks ago, so that’s basically what was holding me. Anyway, since summers starting after this week, hopefully these delays will fall as more rare occurabces! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, love every one of yous and have a good week (yes, I’m updating on a Sunday at 1.39am with school tomorrow, kill me please).


	11. Chapter 10

“You do realise that it’s _ten_ minutes for a burn like this one, right?” Toni groaned, letting her head fall back against the paper-thin wall separating the kitchen from the bedroom. “It’s been, like, twenty that I’ve been holding it under this tap. I genuinely cannot feel my hand right now.”

Cheryl sighed as she patted Hot Dog back up onto the couch having let him back in from his wanders... _wherever_ he may have gone off to. “You’re the one who burnt it, TT. Stop moaning.”

The serpent rolled her eyes as a joking smile fell across her lips. She didn’t want to jinx it, but things had really been looking up since burning the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy uniform down at the docks. She wasn’t sure whether it was a front or something – she could only hope with all of her willpower that it wasn’t that – but the redhaired girl had been smiling what seemed like _genuinely_ ever since that little heart-to-heart (whatever one wanted to call it) of theirs. Cheryl had been cheerful in the aftermath whilst they’d waited for the flame to die down, running out of energy fuelled by the old newspapers which only slated the Serpents and the ungodly Sisters uniform, the two girls taking that moment to talk about everything and anything with the majority of which turning out of be happy. Cheryl had spoken of those family holidays with Jason which came in their hundreds, and Toni had grinned through that memory of the December two years back where her, Fangs and Sweet Pea managed to save enough between them for a weekend trip to New York City. Whilst Cheryl spoke of trips to watch the several racehorses her father owned, Toni shared the story of how, aged maybe only eight or nine years old, she’d been thrown from some random horse she’d tried to ride in some field one day (her and the boys had decided to leave the town by foot apparently, which clearly hadn’t worked out all that well and both girls admittedly were appreciative of that). In comparison to the state they’d been in only days ago, minutes after the rescue mission, Toni thought it was just amazing. After all, if it were _her_ in Cheryl’s situation she wasn’t sure she’d be able to cope in the aftermath. Honestly, if she’d spent the last two weeks in some terrorising conversation therapy institute – never mind all that shit _before_ then – the odds that she’d be laid up in bed (or on some spare couch, more accurately) for weeks on end were high.

Despite being proud, Toni was saddened. How much hell can someone go through to make something as huge and devastating as that seem like no big deal whatsoever? Of course, the secret behind it was that it wasn’t all that much worse than some of the other stuff she’d been through, and that was horrifying in her eyes.

“You’re making out that my hand has fallen off,” Toni huffed. “It’s literally a tiny burn.”

“Well, you’re not ending up looking like my mother, so you’re just going to have to deal with me... _overexaggerating_.”

Toni pouted as she raised her head from the flow of water coming out of the tap. It reminded her of those picturesque long exposures which used to come up whenever you typed Riverdale into google images... no prizes for working out what appeared now in their place. “Maybe I want to look like a half-melted, ten-cent Trollope.” Toni was smirking to herself. “Your aunt isn’t as bad than I thought she’d be, Cher.”

“She’s, like, my second cousin-in-law or something, actually,” Cheryl rolled her eyes, turning away with a scowl. “Besides, you’re not going to sit there and constantly remind me of my mother, so nope, I win. Five more minutes.” 

“Urghh—” 

“Any TV choices?” Cheryl interrupted, gesturing towards the small box in the corner of the room which wasn’t even that much more modern than the one her own mother gave her nana whenever she couldn’t be bothered to deal with her.

_“She’s a person, mother,” Cheryl had begged of the older woman time and time again. “Please, just get her a carer. We can’t take care of her with me at school and you... ‘pleasuring the lonely men of Riverdale’.”_

They couldn’t afford one, _apparently_. They couldn’t afford a caregiver for an tired old lady despite living in probably second largest house in Riverdale, too many spare rooms and useless antiques only there to catch dust.

She was still struggling to not relate every aspect of life to her home life. She assumed that regardless of how hard she tried to dissolve the thoughts they’d always stay stuck with her.

“Typical daytime television,” she sighed, drawing her thoughts away from that ungodly life she’d lived up until only recently as she scrolling through the TV guide before eventually landing on some dating show which would hopefully be good enough to get them through the time. “Will this do? Or we have some sitcoms, the news, that house programme which is always on...”

Better than the news, she guessed. They really did not need that depression in their lives right now. The dating show was pretty dim and predictable – some fake LA-living girl who’d clearly had too much plastic surgery and was wearing a ridiculous amount of makeup meet some New York guy which Toni would otherwise see to be decent, if only he wasn’t such an obvious fuckboy – but time passed quickly enough with it on, three or four episodes fading in to each other with the content changing minimally.

“Toni?”

Her chocolate brown eyes rose from the screen, aligning with the side of the redhead’s face as she stared dead on at the scene. “What’s up?” 

She hesitated.

“What are we?”

“Hm?”

Cheryl frowned, hesitating as she struggled to figure out whether or not it was right for her to continue. Toni equally did so, gazing at the bashed-in screen, taking note to a young couple laughing through their meal of something on a balcony overlooking a picturesque beach, clinking champagne glasses as the camera panned out to create a silhouette out of the low evening sun. It wasn’t the latter of the details which made the question senseful; Toni almost immediately picked up on what Cheryl was suggest upon noticing the couple on its own. 

“What _are_ we?” she repeated, eyes pleading for an answer. “Are we...”

She trailed off, looking to the floor as she chewed at the inside of her lip.

“We can be whatever you want?” Toni uttered quietly after a few moments. “I know how I feel about you, but if you’re not ready or anything then I completely understa—”

“What if I _am_ ready?” Cheryl stared at the serpent with wishful, pleading eyes. She wanted to know so badly. She wanted _to_ so badly. But there would always be those second thoughts in these times... she couldn’t drive them away. What if what Toni felt was different? What if she was just pitiful or something, like so many others had been? She dreaded the truth. She didn’t want to live in virtual reality. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t enough. 

“Then, so be it,” Toni couldn’t disguise the creeping smile which only wanted to grow bigger and bigger until I couldn’t be manhandled for a moment longer, the redhead’s widening as much as she allowed as well. The pink-haired girl’s expression then slackened, concern filling her eyes. “But, Cher, after everything you’ve been through, I get if you don’t want to... y’know... I mean, I don’t want to undermine what’s happened and push you or anyth–”

“I know what my boundaries are, TT. And with my mother out of my life, I can be _what_ I want. _Who_ I want. _With_ who I want.” 

The redhead exhaled a shaky breath. “Will... will you be my girlfriend?”

Toni smirked. “Will you be mine?” 

Smiling, she leant over, cupping Cheryl’s cheek in her hand, bringing their lips close until they met – just like she had at the Sisters, but in a nicer situation.

A _much_ nicer situation, that was.

The serpent had decided by that point that _‘yes’_ wasn’t good enough. A simple _‘yes’_ , or a _‘yeah’_ , or a _‘sure’_ wasn’t a promise, or _anything_ really. In actual fact, she’d never really asked anyone out before – sure, she’d had random flings but they were more physical than verbal, and come morning there’d be little more than a casual ‘bye’ as she picked up her belongings. It had occurred to her not too long ago that she’d never actually _been_ with anyone before. Whatever had been in the past had lasted no more than a couple of days. Sure, she wasn’t a virgin (some people would probably add _‘not by a long shot’_ on to that), but when she was merely thirteen years old she didn’t think she would be having this thought process, what, three years later, or that she’d ever regret that decision to do the first thing which popped into her head when her uncle locked her out for the first time on New Year’s Eve. After all, she knew very few people who had been with the same person for more than a decade... most people she knew didn’t give a shit, and back then she didn’t really gave a shit about herself either, so why should she expect to be having an intensive thought process about that aged sixteen and a month or so old?

But Cheryl had changed that for her. She _liked_ her – no, she _loved_ her, and she wanted nothing more than to be with her. And Cheryl needed someone at least, and if nobody else was going to be taking up the offer (correction: _chance_ ) any time soon then what was the reason for it not to be her?

And, Toni thought, maybe _she_ needed Cheryl in her life too. The Serpents were there for her, but sometimes the community was like a burning house with sealed doors and windows – inevitably it would lead to pain, horror, regret and even _death_. She could name two deaths it had caused, after all. Two years ago, Toni would have laughed at the idea of her ever being a cheerleader, or passing classes with decent grades. Now, well, she was living out that high school movie cliché – also adding on gang activity after hours, but if this was going to be some weird _A Cinderella Story_ meet _West Side Story_ crossover, then that was enough. Truly, Toni was happier right now than she had been for a long time, and if this was the storm then what the _hell_ was the shine?

Eventually, breathlessness overtaking her, Cheryl pulled away, breathing heavily for the breath to come back into her body. She was still smiling widely, unable to straighten her lips into a more casual expression. 

Smiling. It was something she barely even noticed she was doing half the time whenever she was around Toni.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” Cheryl sighed as she pulled herself closer to Toni, head resting in the crook of her neck. The shorter girl could feel her warm breath on her darker skin.

“Me neither.”

“Thank you,” Cheryl murmured, voice cracking slightly. “For accepting me. And being there for me. And loving m–”

Toni ran the palm of her hand up the other girls pale forearm in her lap, smiling softly. “Thank _you_ for letting me in.”

The redhead gazed down for a little while, scanning the Serpent’s eyes before refocusing back on the television.

“Now, let’s finish this really god damn _awful_ episode before we head out to Pops.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically this chapter was supposed to go a different way with this happening first so... but that’s probably going to be next chapter I think because I can’t piece two and two together... anyway, enjoy!


	12. Chapter 11

_“You’re shaking.”_

Maybe it was because the redhead had grown so accustomed to that motion recently, she hadn’t even realised it was happening. In honestly, she had barely even realised that she was scared right now, or at least nervous in the slightest. It was weird, because a trip to Pop’s was all _but_ nerve-wracking. It was like a second home. Her safe space. An escape route from the terror which insulated the walls of, once, Thornhill and, now, Thistle House. She had felt perfectly fine when the stepped out of the trailer she was taking refuge in – minus a fraction hungry – and now she couldn’t place a finger on when, in the ten minute walk from there, the trembling in her bones had began. Had Toni noticed this a while ago, wondering whether it was simply the cold winter air or something fifty shades darker which she dreaded to think of, or had she only just started now, the illuminated sign which stood outside the retro diner little more than simply a speck in the distance telling them that they were a five minute walk away at the max?

“Are you–” Toni hesitated – _god_ , she hated asking this god damn _pointless_ question because, well, let’s be honestly; any positive answer probably wasn’t going to be the honest one she’d have to interpret out of purely the tone of voice used “– okay?”

The redhead chewed at her lip. _Was_ she okay? Probably not. That was about as far as her self-awareness travelled right now. She felt numb; not only her toes and fingertips in the bite of the February breeze, but her whole body and soul. She couldn’t think straight. It felt as if she was running on autopilot, feet walking in the direction she wanted to without much additional thought to it... 

_“Fu– Cheryl!”_  

She felt an arm pull her back harshly – probably the same arm belonging to the voice which had just squealed at her – holding her in place as somewhere within five metres of her a car horn honked, a flash of dirty white aluminium dashing past her.

“Fucking idiot...”

Toni could feel _herself_ shaking now. God. Close call. If she hadn’t been that switched on, the speeding car would have mowed the both down. But that wasn’t the thing that was concerning her the most. Feeling the adrenaline in her blood go down, the anger in her bones escaping, she took a deep breath. 

“Where’s your head at?” Toni offered with a sigh and a sad smile, gazing up to look at the redhead as she adjusted her hold on both of her wrists, careful to avoid the scars where the – dare she think of it – restraints had been digging in to her.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to go home?” Toni suggested, bringing a hand up to cup the redhead’s cheek. “We can go home if you want. I’m sure Veronica will understand if you’re not ready.” 

The redhead shook her head frantically. “I want to... I just...”

She felt her voice break, tears welling in her eyes. At long last, she could feel something. Along that came knowledge, and in a split second she was finally able to interpret what going on inside of her.

“What if my mother’s there?”

_Shit._

Shit. Toni hasn’t even considered that. Of all things to not think about–

“What if she’s there, waiting for me, and she takes me back and you can’t do anything because I’m her property?” Toni felt her heart tear in two pieces as the other girl’s voice broke, words erupted with a loud sniffle as she tried yet failed hard to keep the tears at bay. 

_God, Toni, fuck you._

“I can’t go back there, TT,” the redhead sobbed painfully, “I can’t go back to that place. This time it will be more secure, and they’re lock the doors and keep me somewhere worse and do something worse to me–” 

The serpent couldn’t do anything. She was too taken. Cheryl was right. She was so fucking right. Toni had messed up – she hadn’t thought for one second that what had once been a regular, harmless visit to Pop’s could turn into a final goodbye (emphasis on the word ‘final’).

_You never think, Toni. That’s why you’re mom isn’t here anymore. That’s why you’re essentially homeless – locked out practically on the daily. That’s why Cheryl was taken by her mother and shut away in some asylum for two weeks. If you had just thought for once, that would never have happened._

As for now...

“I barely survived there. I think I’d– if I had to go back there, I don’t know what I’d do to myself...”

If she hadn’t been converted by that point, Toni had definitely changed her mind over everything at that. 

She couldn’t lose her again. She just couldn’t. Be that by her mother or something else, it just couldn’t happen. If it did... she couldn’t even think of where to start. The Sisters Of Quiet Mercy was one conversion programme, in one small town of one state, less than an hour away where anybody could assume anything. Kevin said that it was one of the few places in the country which ran gay conversion ‘therapy’ _(how could that even be defined as therapy?)_ , but Toni knew that was an inaccurate statistic – if Penelope wanted to, considering how that filthy career path of hers gave her plentiful amounts of equally filthy cash, she could send her to Europe. Damn, she could send her to fucking Surval Montreaux if she wanted to.

But she wouldn’t be going anywhere.

Not on Toni’s watch, anyway.

“Shhh– c’mere–” she wrapped her arms around Cheryl’s waist, rubbing the small her her back and allowing the redhead to lean heavily on her, a frown playing on her lips as she felt her own eyes beginning to fill with tears. She didn’t let them stay. She couldn’t, and she owed her gang for that skill in holding her tears back. She had to remain strong as steel for the other girl; an anchor, preventing the redhead from drifting anywhere far away from her, both literally and figuratively. She pulled out her phone from the back pocket of her jeans. “I’m going to text Veronica, okay, to tell her that we’re getting take out?”

“I’m sorry,” the redhead barely whispered. The sheer agony and helplessness in her voice was painful to the ear. Toni sighed.

“No. I’m sorry. I should’ve...” the pink-haired girl trailed. It was in the past. It didn’t happen. Moving her hand to hover over the redhead’s back, she motioned back in the direction they had been coming from. “C’mon. Let’s– let’s just get home.” 

_Home._ Cheryl liked that word. 

* * *

 

_Twelve minutes._

Twelve minutes was nothing. She assumed by distance that the trailer park would be a good fifteen minute walk away on a good day. It wasn't that much longer than the the walk to Betty’s, and that wasn’t at all far. 

It wasn’t really the timing which got her bothered, but instead the situation of it all. Sure, she was still exhausted from two nights ago, laid up in probably the most comfortable bed in Riverdale yet unable to doze off as easily as before in worry. And, sure, there had been a lot of nights like that, especially with the safety level of this once-wholesome little town declining steeply in the months she’d been here; not to mention her constantly worrying about Archie’s involvement with her dad which she knew so little about, constantly worrying about her deteriorated friendship with Betty following their minute row in the bathrooms the other week, constantly worrying whether the Black Hood still happened to be out there, or if it were a cult or something which would stick around for longer.

_Longer_ was _too_ long. 

Speaking of cults... the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy was definitely edging towards being classified as one. Since, she’d only heard about Cheryl’s condition from that individual phone call and the handful of text messages Toni had sent her. On Wednesday night (more accurately, Thursday morning) she had spent hours on end tossing and turning, unable to succumb to the exhaustion pulling down on her eyelids following their midnight rescue mission, stuck in a state of utter disbelief that someone could do such a thing to an innocent girl. She’d seen the way Penelope treated Cheryl with her own eyes, heard it with her own ears, and even felt the shudder of fear herself as she walked into the room, anxiously anticipating what would be said or done next. When Toni had hesitantly told her what she thought was one of the reasons why she’d been sent away, the raven-haired girl could have cried – she’d heard of conversion therapy, read reports of it online, learnt about countries and states banning it, and it was safe to say that none of it was particularly fun to experience. Going home from that, she’d researched further, shaking hands hovering over the keyboard as she dared to Google what the methods consisted of. 

She’d slammed her keyboard shut and regretted that idea almost immediately. 

What made her feel even more sick about it was how it was reality. If Cheryl had been so lucky to avoid some of those god-awful things she’d found out about, there were still tens of thousands of kids out there who were.

At that point, finding and rescuing Cheryl become so much more of a priority than any of the other things which where going down in her life, and when legal measures weren’t going to be enough the only excuse not to counter them was some hefty sanction in return..

Today, she was sat in a booth at Pop’s, trying to look occupied so that the owner himself wouldn’t come over and question her because right now she didn’t want that and her parents wouldn’t want that (especially when her mother had only just and very reluctantly extended her new-found obsessively early curfew by two hours for this), jiggling her leg in anticipation for that bell to sound with the entrance of the two girls she was waiting for, her school bag to the side of her filled to the brim with two weeks worth of catch-up work for Cheryl and a much smaller handful of bits for Toni from the past two days, and then a duffle bag of clothes to give up to the other girl who definitely wasn’t living out of a closet the size of her own anymore.

Fact: it wasn’t  _all_ designer material in that bag of Veronica’s. Maybe one or two tops were reaching rather above-average prices, but the rest was primarily typical high street stuff. Believe it or not, Veronica Lodge did opt to wear stuff which sold for under $10; she wasn’t _that_ much of a Rich Kid Of NYC.

But nope, seriously, she wanted nothing more than to help. Cheryl was her friend – she was someone she cared about. If _she_ was struggling with what had happened, she couldn’t start to think of how Toni – closer to the redhead than anyone else _ever_ – was doing. 

As for Cheryl, how she was doing was a question you – in the nicest way possible – just weren’t sure you wanted to know the answer to.

The raven-haired girl felt her phone vibrate on the table, stirring her from her thoughts with the notification flashing on the screen.

_Toni Topaz [15:29] - change of location, sry x_

Something wasn’t right (of course something wasn’t right). Something had most likely happened... that to be which probably caused the delay in the first place.

But whatever had happened thankfully didn’t seem (from that message, anyway) to be too serious; or, at least, not so serious that the two girls could only live in the comfort of each other, minus everybody else.

It could be worse. A lot worse. It could be like what happened last October.

But because Toni was there, Veronica felt pretty adamant that it _wouldn’t_ end up like that.

Another message flashed on her screen, the raven-haired girl frowning at what it entailed.

That being the said location change.

Now, the issue with crossing the tracks into the southside wasn’t that much of a personal preference because in her own experiences of those residing there, Toni was somehow (despite being in a gang) one of the most genuine people in the whole of Riverdale High, and, despite their differences, Jughead wasn’t all too bad either. What did worry the raven-haired girl, on the other hand, was how the fuck her parents would react if they discovered that their daughter – heiress to something so damn anti-south, of all things – had been spending her Friday night (if you could describe it as that) mingling with a gang.

But it wasn’t like she had much choice. She had to do this. She had to do this for Cheryl. After what happened at Sweetwater River, she’d made a promise that she’d always be there for the redhead; same after what went down with Nick. Third time lucky, this time she’d fulfill those promises to the max... and nobody, _especially_ not her mother or her father once again, would be standing in the way of that.

With a quick smirk, she grabbed the bags at her side and made her way over to the front counter.

“To take out...”

* * *

Warm breath tickled Toni’s neck, the serpent glancing down at the redhead tucked into her side. She sighed, closing her eyes momentarily. She was so tired. Genuinely, physically and mentally, she was exhausted. The bags under her eyes weren’t there for nothing; a fortnight of maybe forty hours sleep overall, mind running in circles all hours of the day, _herself_ literally running in circles looking for leads on where the redhead could possibly be in that time, what the causes of that were. And right now, she’d never needed to just fucking sleep _so fucking much._

She wasn’t too sure how long she’d been there, but the sensation of soft lips on her neck was the cause of her eyes opening once again. 

“You’re beautiful when you’re asleep.” 

Toni shifted around to sit up, or rather sit up as much as she could with the weight of Hot Dog laid on her calves weighing her down. “I wasn’t asleep... I was just... resting my eyes,” she protested with a yawn. Cheryl smirked, shaking her head.

“Well, you’re beautiful doing that anyway.”

“Mm,” Toni hummed, shutting her eyes once again, “not as beautiful as you.”

“Toni?” 

The pink-haired girl rubbed her forehead, biting her nails as she dropped her thoughts to turn her head to Cheryl.

“What’s bothering you?”

“How will I manage going to school?” Cheryl whimpered. “I freaked out at the idea of my mother maybe being in Pops, when I knew that she’d never go there– God, she didn’t let me go there for so many years because she said the food...”

Toni felt her throat go dry, knowing that was coming next. She felt sick to her stomach at the idea that she could predict that... _Hell._ “Don’t let her get to you. Everything she’s ever said about you is a lie, I swear to god. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect.” 

Perfect was a big word, but she’d never known anything to suit it more.

“Toni,” she inhaled shakily, “My mum always used to come into school. She would just waltz in at a moment’s notice, and take me from my class, and nobody would do much about it. She could be there waiting for me, and I wouldn’t be able to escape.”

“Cheryl, this is why we need to tell someone what happened to you. What she’s been doing to you for your entire life.”

The redhead went silent for a minute, considering the options.

“I don’t have any other choice, do I?”

Toni frowned, eyes gazing sorrowfully into Cheryl’s as she dared herself to shake her head. Maybe it wasn’t the only options – maybe they could do something else other than cut her off completely from her own mother, the woman who had given her life and then only abused her for being alive – but right now, it seemed like the only one out there which could work.

Even then, it still might not work. Restraining orders and emancipation weren’t things taken lightly by the law, and they’d likely take weeks of papers and courtrooms and meetings. Those were all things that Cheryl didn’t need to add into her life right now. And what if they failed? What if the judge decided otherwise and Penelope just took control of Cheryl all over again, made her life worse, sent her back? What if Penelope banned Cheryl from seeing Toni? Sent her to an actual boarding school, or international mental facility? Made her relive _‘Girl, Interrupted’_ or something, because she clearly wasn’t shy about sharing that innocent drawing on Josie she’d done to them, and the girl’s mother was an attorney and all who would obviously prioritise protecting her daughter like all (bar one) mothers would do? They could make or break Cheryl’s safety all with that, and that sort of ‘broken’ would be shattered sort which couldn’t be fixed with the strongest of glues.

“Cheryl, this is your decision. It’s your life... I’m not going to choose for you. She is your mother, after all...” the serpent placed her hand over Cheryl’s, just like that night at the movies. “But I need you to know that I’ll be there to support whatever you want to do. If anything.” 

“I’ve missed so many days of school... my attendance... I can’t stay here in the trailer.”

“We’ll figure something out.”

For a moment, they sat where they were, staring at each other dead in the eyes. Toni’s were desperate, loving, kind... Cheryl’s were desperate, love-deprived, but not in any way loveless.

Loveless. Deprived of love. They were two completely separate things.

The serpent had no problems with the idea of her showing her what she’d been so, so deprived of for so, so long.

“You’re sensational,” Toni whispered against the other girl’s lips.

“You like that word,” Cheryl giggled.

“It’s your word,” Toni grinned, “so of course I like it.”

The redhead curled further in to the Serpent’s side, resting her legs on the her lap and tucking her head under her chin and closing her eyes as she relished in the comfort of the other girl’s body, humming neutrally at the statement. “Pretty sure you just quoted something there.”

Toni frowned. “I wasn’t meant to.” 

“Watch out for copyright charges. Northsider’s like to blame the Serpents for every misdemeanour in this town.” 

Toni laughed, pulling the redhead closer to her body in a tight embrace. “I don’t plan on getting locked up any time soon.”

“Mm...” Cheryl raised an eyebrow in mock suspicion. “Pretty sure you’ve committed a million crimes in these past few days.”

“I’m pretty sure loving you isn’t an offence, believe it or not.” 

“To my mom, maybe, yes,” Cheryl sighed, “but she’s the minority.”

The serpent could only smile the gentlest smile ever smiled.

“I’m so proud of you.” Toni whispered, pressing her lips to the other girl’s pale forehead beneath her. Another. Once more. Twice more. Pulling her arms up to her face, Toni stared sadly at the wounds barely healing on her wrists before planting a series of gentle kisses there an along the multiple bruises scattered upon her porcelain skin. “You’re beautiful,” the serpent whispered. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” 

A loud thump echoing through the hollow door just second later, in additional to the sudden movement of the ‘beast’ who had been resting across mainly Cheryl’s lap (a month ago she’d have shooed any mutt like that mangy thing far away from herself... now she was letting something resembling that image sleep with his wet nose inches from her face) barking up the walls was the only thing which could draw them apart – extremely reluctantly, of course, with an audible groan as Toni shifted to get up, Cheryl gritting her teeth momentarily as the shift of movement caused her seatbones to painfully meet one of the loose springs in the old, bashed up sofa bed. 

“I’m guessing that’s Veronica,” Toni sighed, running a hand through her hair as she pulled herself up, reaching over to yet failing miserably at grabbing the manic dogs who’d also been disturbed by the visitor – or, in his fur-covered eyes, intruder.

“Okay,” Cheryl massaged her dead knee before trailing behind the other girl across the trailer. “I’m just going to– Toni? Have you got any make up by any chance I could borrow?”

Toni looked behind her shoulder to find the redhead staring sadly at the burns and the scar on her cheek which she’d learned to be the result of a sharp stone in her mother’s ring. “Cheryl, you don’t have to–”

“Please?” 

Toni couldn’t help but nod at the way tears were brimming in the other girl’s eyes. She didn’t know what it was making her pull the covers over herself once again, why it was that she felt to hide under one extra layer, because God, she needed Cheryl to know that she was perfect in every way possible. Still, she found herself nodding. They were at the bottom of a very large climb, and she couldn’t expect the redhead to stop hiding who she was, what she was, how she was in front of other people this early on.

“In that bag, to the left side. I don’t have any red and my skin tone’s darker than yours, but something will work,” Toni smiled warmly, grabbing the scruff of the lively dog’s neck to hold him back from the door. “But Cher? Remember what I said. Don’t you ever forget it.”

All those years of being told otherwise by her mother made it hard to believe. But Toni thought so, and Toni had repeatedly told her so, so maybe things should change. Maybe her mindset should change. See herself the way Toni saw her; however impossible that felt right now, her whole body scarred and pained and tear-stained.

_‘Scarred people cannot be beautiful,’_ her mother had said to her one time when she’d grazed her knee in elementary school. Hypocritical, she’d decided one time when she was in middle school after a smack across the face, a diamond ring cutting her cheek leaving a mark which took a heck load do make up to cover. Hell, at the Vixen’s tryouts semester she’d repeated those cruel words to some girl who had scars from a dog attack when she was eleven or twelve. 

Not only on the outside, but internally she was scared and pained, too. Lashing out like an injured animal... it made her uglier than if she’d left her scars to show. She always wondered that, if only her mother had loved her, would she be the same or would she be a better person? Her answer to that changed daily. 

Her mother had made her ugly. But Toni? Toni _wouldn’t_. Toni _wasn’t_. Toni _hadn’t_. And that was one of the differences between then and now; she had someone, who loved her, who would heal her wounds and wipe her tears away and tell her that she was loved. That _she_ loved her. _God_ , Toni couldn’t comprehend how much she wanted to do that. Helping Cheryl wasn’t a task to her, or a chore or anything negativity-based – far from that, in fact.

_And for people to continue to exaggerate that the Serpents were evil..._

How could a gang be evil when they (despite their criminal offences which overall weren’t that bad at all even without considering the murders of the northside in recent months) cared about each other , took care of each other, provided a home for each other? Toni referred to them as her family, but they were the polar opposite of the sort of family Cheryl knew of.

“Shut up...” Toni groaned, placing a kiss on the top of Cheryl’s head as the redhead got off the coach and made her way into the bathroom, the serpent herself grabbing the scruff of the dog’s neck (so he lost his collar again god knows where, meaning that the Serpents would be off to the pound at some point soon to bail him out again). “She’s a friend, boy,” she murmured, hushing him with a scratch on his head as she opened the front door to reveal a pretty threatened-appearing Veronica stood behind it.

“He’s friendly.”

“Somehow, he’s not as big as I expected him to be,” Veronica chuckled nervously as she made her way into the cramped trailer. “Somehow I expected an Alsatian or something – definitely not something which only just reaches your knees.”

“His bark is too big for him, but he’s a great guard dog when we need it,” Toni shrugged, frowning when she noticed the taller girl standing back from the young sheepdog a little. “You not like dogs?” 

Veronica shook her head. “Actually, I did have a few back in New York over years. But they were lap dogs – dachshunds – not like him. Besides, Archie has a labrador.”

“Well, this is Hot Dog.”

The other girl reached down to scratch the sheepdog upon it’s head, smiling fondly. “Original name.”

Toni scoffed.

“He’s the third Hot Dog we’ve had – apparently we’re not very creative with the names,” Toni scratched the matted strands of hair behind his ears as he jumped up with his paws on her waist, turning her full attention to the other girl. “Cheryl’s in the bathroom right now. Oh, and thanks for grabbing the food – and being here, of course. I know it’s not the Pembrooke or anything but–”

“It’s... cosy,” Veronica deadpanned, scrunching her nose up visibly at what was most likely the smell of either damp dog, damp walls or damp washing... or, well, god knows what else. “So do you stay here often?”

“Mm...” the pink-haired girl shuddered at the idea that Veronica Lodge, who’d spend fifteen years of her life in fricking New York City, could figure out more about her past than anyone else in the school from merely a locked door the other night. “Sometimes I stay ‘round other people’s trailers, but this is the most convenient crash pad.”

The raven-haired girl nodded along with the conversation.

“So your uncle does this often? Lock you out?” 

She could lie. She could lie and this conversation could be over. Veronica would just accept whatever she said, and she wouldn’t have to dwell on her miseries for any longer.

But, honestly, she _couldn’t_ lie. Not when she’d done so much to help to get Cheryl out of that literal hellhole. It wouldn’t be fair. 

“Ever since I was about twelve or thirteen, I’d say. I’ve always had places to stay, so it doesn’t really matter that much.” 

“Toni, I had no idea... what about your parents? Why don’t you live with them?”

The serpent felt her eyes begin to water, her throat close and her face burn up. She swallowed hard. “They don’t live around here. Not anymore.” Toni gulped as she tried to settle herself. “Can we change the conversation, please?” Toni begged. “How are you, anyway, after the other night and all?”

Veronica sighed, muttering a sorry under her breath. She hadn’t meant to seem invasive; she was just curious, concerned – emotions she still didn’t quite understand all too familiarly, struggling in exhibiting them with her selfish, spoilt past _and_ occasional present. “I still can’t believe that happened. Everything we saw there... Toni, somehow I don’t even think re-eduction videos and prison-cell dorm rooms and dim corridors were the worst of it,” she shuddered, visibly traumatised from that night still. “How are you? And how’s Cheryl holding up?”

“I’m doing okay,” Toni sighed, drawing a shaky breath at the sheer thought of what the other girl was potentially going through. “Cheryl is far from that... she’s trying to be strong but she just _can’t_. I don’t blame her. She was there for a _week_ , Veronica – I can’t imagine being there for a second longer than we were anyway!” she croaked out, voice hoarse with the tears which begged to fall. She couldn’t let them. She couldn’t feel self-pitiful when it was clearly Cheryl who was going through all the shit. This wasn’t a sad film, or a charity commercial, which you could just cry at and hope that the person in conversation would be okay; this was real life, where agony couldn’t be helped by tears of grief, anger and sorrow.

“Has she spoken much about it?” 

“A little, but not enough for me to get an idea of what she went through,” Toni sighed. “She’s having nightmares... flashbacks... she won’t admit it but every time I look at her she’s caught up in a battle against something, and I dread to think what it may be. Then there’s the issue of her mom...” 

Veronica sighed, placing a hand on the shorter girl’s shoulder. “I don’t want to think about what Penelope is doing or where she is right now... god, Toni, I knew she was bad but I never thought that she was bad enough to do th–”

_“–Ronnie!”_

Both girls glanced from where they were stood conversing in small gap between the kitchen and the living room. How long had she been there? Had she just walked in, or had she been stood in the doorway waiting for the conversation to finish?

“Cheryl– oh my god–” Veronica grinned, rushing to the other girl and colliding as they embraced each other in a tight hug before pulling away to scan her face. Sure, it was red and tear-stained, but that was only to expect considering how the Pop’s visit had been basically called off just now. “My god, you look amazing! How are you doing?”

Cheryl chuckled, glancing downwards to her feet with a small smile. When she spoke, her voice was nothing more than a soft whisper, almost angelic. It wasn’t the HBIC tone everybody was so used to – God, Veronica thought, it want even the tone of her voice on those traumatic three nights they’d spent at each other's, from the night before Jason’s funeral to the night of Nick’s assault. The New Yorker couldn’t help but find that the girl sounded happy underneath it all. She sounded happier than she’d ever seen Cheryl Blossom, and she’d been through hell all this week. 

God, Veronica Lodge was so fucking _grateful_ for Antoinette Topaz’s pure _existence_ right now.

“I’m okay,” the head cheerleader all but whispered. “Toni’s been looking after me.”

“I couldn’t think of anyone better for that job.”

“I couldn’t think of anyone better to be my girlfriend,” Cheryl smiled widely, to which Veronica cocked an eyebrow, copying her broad grin. 

“So,” Veronica smirked, “it’s official now?”

“Between us three: yes,” Toni interrupted as she went to wrap an arm around Cheryl’s shoulder. “And I guess the boys, too. And Kevin can know, because, well, he was there. He’s in the circle.”

“But nobody else,” Cheryl uttered rushedly, sincerity and pleading in her words. “Not until my mother is somewhat out of the picture. I don’t want anything to spread and for her to get a hold of it.”

“I won’t tell anyone, I promise,” the raven-haired girl’s smile turned lopsided. “Trust me on this one, Cheryl; I’m so happy for you, but I respect that. I won’t open my mouth to anyone. Not even Archie.”

“I doubt he’ll be happy about that,” Cheryl commented, all three girls subsequently laughing out loud at the innuendo.

“I’m glad you’re still there,” Veronica smiled, giving the redhead a hug from the side, rubbing her upper arm whilst doing so. “I brought Pop’s, as requested!” she chirped, bringing the two handle bags into the line of vision of the other two girls. “Milkshakes, burgers, fries, onion rings, chicken... Toni, not really sure what you’d typically order there so I bought a bit of everything. If you have a table here...”

“Will the coffee table do?” Toni suggested. “I don’t think the kitchen one is big enough. Besides–” she shot a glance to the several unopened envelopes (which were probably of some level of importance) and dog-eared newspapers scattered across it “–I don’t think it’s up to use.” 

The raven-haired girl laughed as she made her way into the cramped living area. “There’s some nostalgia about eating on the couch,” she sat the bags down on the floor, guarding the food-filled one from the dog with her foot. “My parents never allowed it, because of course _they wouldn’t_ , but occasionally Archie and I will order a pizza and eat in with a movie... even if we don’t always manage to finish the movie...” she glanced down at her feet awkwardly, feeling her cheeks begin to burn “... or sometimes even start it. Anyway; moving on from that – food? And, how’s life?”

“It’s weird without mother around, admittedly,” Cheryl sighed, pulling a French fry from out of the bag and popping it in her mouth, “Although have my doubts that I’ll be lacking her presence for too long, however.” She sighed, reaching across for the comforting clasp of Toni’s hand as a combination of sadness and fear filled those hazel orbs of hers. 

“As a heads up, Cheryl,” Veronica started, pausing for a moment as she chewed her burger thoughtfully, “whatever happens, I’m going to do whatever I can to help keep you safe from her.”

“Whatever it takes?” Toni raised an eyebrow in questioning. The raven-haired girl sighed, leaning forwards with her hands on her knees, her own fingers intertwining together sequentially to hide their subtle quiver.

She was scared, too, Toni figured. To be fair, who wouldn’t be? One of the most powerful women in Riverdale, with her daughter gone... she could pay an irresistible amount of money or even do so much as threaten anyone if she was really that desperate to get her daughter back in her control, only to abandon her straight back at that godforsaken asylum once again for however long it took for her to be ‘cured’ (the serpent almost scoffed at the thought). Hell, the bitch could repeat her deceased and decomposing husband’s footsteps and threaten the Serpents to get her there once again – keep her locked in the basement of the Wyrm like the girl’s twin brother had been for days on end, allure someone naïve into it the act at whatever cost it took.

Maybe Cheryl residing in ‘Serpent Country’ as it was so fondly called by the gang member herself wasn’t actually anywhere near as safe as she’d thought.

She turned her attention back to Veronica, trying to ignore the fear and dread in her eyes and the hesitance demonstrated by the way she had opened her mouth to say something twice already, yet the words hadn’t arrived at either of their ears so far.

“I hate to say it, Toni, because of all the shitty, shitty things he’s done to you and Serpents collectively, and because of a certain... _experience..._ Cheryl and I have had involving hush money between things involving our two families–” Toni’s heart stopped at the way Cheryl correspondingly gripped her hand so tight she swore she’d lose circulation in it “–and not to mention that I’m pretty sure not one of us wants him to get involved in any of this – but my dad is probably the most powerful person in this damn county right now. He could get Penelope to lay off if I said something to him.” 

“Your dad–”

“I know,” she buried her head in her hands. “He’s an awful person. I hate a lot of the things he’s done, Toni, trust me on this, and quite honestly I still want him to be in jail. It’s what he deserves. Which is why I’m going to say that this is honestly the last, last resort. It’s the most stupid thing we could do, but it’s also probably the most reliable thing we do.”

“That is, of course, if your dad agrees to that,” Toni rolled her eyes, somehow remaining collected despite the talk of that man which could really destroy every single serpent’s life at the point of a finger. “Truthfully, Veronica, what would he say if he knew you were here right now, in Sunnyside Trailer Park, in the south side of town? Damn, what would he say if he knew we were friends?” The raven-haired girl stared solemnly at the brunette before glancing down at her feet, picking the gherkins out of the cheeseburger in her hand and laying them back in the paper wrapper. 

“Ronnie, what about your mom?” Cheryl interrupted, brushing her hair to the side as she bit her lip. “Could she help?”

Veronica shrugged. “Maybe.” 

“Can we trust her, though?”

“More so than Hiram.” 

Cheryl turned to the girl beside her, biting her lip and offering a small, lopsided smile. “There aren’t many others we can trust, TT, besides her and maybe Betty’s mom.”

“Alice Cooper?” Toni questioned, eyebrows furrowed in sheer confusion.

“She’s, as I said, like my aunt or something like that; also, Jason’s mother-in-law,” Cheryl explained. “And she hates my mother. The journalist part of her could come in handy at a stretch.”

“Somehow, Cher, asking someone to shame your mother publically in a town newspaper might not have the happiest of endings. Maybe Hermione Lodge _is_ the best person to tell – right now at least.” Toni paused. “But only if you want to.”

Veronica leant across for the redhead’s hand, voice turning soft and low. “My mom cares about you, Cheryl. I know she does. When everything with Nick happened – I don’t know if you knew this but still – she was on the phone to her for ages to try and get her to change her mind on not pressing charges. Throughout everything which happened last fall, she’s had your back.” 

Everything which happened last fall. Veronica remembered every adjective her mother had used to describe Penelope Blossom – the entire Blossom family, at that. It wasn’t like Veronica said a lot about Cheryl to her mother, but when a certain ‘event’ happened at Sweetwater River she couldn’t not tell her the truth behind closed doors, begging her to keep it a secret from everybody else, _especially_ the girl’s own mother despite the seriousness of it all. And, of course, she had obliged.

“It would just be a case of telling her what happened.”

“And then what?” Toni tossed a chicken nugget to Hot Dog, who had been whining at her feet the whole time. “Legally, what happens after that?”

“I think it depends on what you want to happen. My mom can’t do a lot legally. She’s _running for mayor_ ; she’s not a lawyer or a judge or anything.” 

“Ms McCoy is a qualified attorney,” the redhead spoke up. “Josie told me once. She could help us, right?” 

Both of the other girls exchanged glances, shifting uncomfortably in their seats. Veronica rose an eyebrow at Toni, who could only purse her lips.

_Shit._

Feeling bile begin to rise in her throat, Toni somehow managed to find the words before the dread become too much to handle. 

“Cher– I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

“Oh... how come?” the redhead asked innocently. “Josie is okay, right? Or you would have said something–”

“Josie’s fine, Cheryl,” Veronica butt in, noticing Toni begin to freeze up. “She’s just a bit... well, your mom brought something up.”

“From a while ago, I guess, and I don’t even know if it’s true or not, and even if it is – I don’t care, Cheryl, I think I get it.” Toni bit her lip. She hated being the bearer of bad news, and in all honestly she wasn’t a fan of it at the start... but she got what happened. She understood it, especially following some intel from Veronica that same day.

“W–what is it?” Cheryl narrowed her eyes in curiosity as she chewed slowly on another fry.

Toni reached across for her hand. “Your mom found some drawings? Of you and Josie?”

Cheryl gulped, turning away in what was appearing to be hurt, panic, guilt, or whatever else.

“She freaked and refused to regroup. Which is why it was just us two who got you out of that– that place,” the serpent explained. “And now I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s been ignoring us for days.”

“But that last bit might be my own doing, Cheryl,” Veronica sighed, staring at the floor. “Not yours. Josie and I have been off ever since, well, when you disappeared. We had a row and she went behind my back, so things weren’t looking great anyway.”

Cheryl glanced at both of the other girls before sighing, her head falling into her hands. “I’m an idiot.” 

The brunette just shook her head softly.

“You’re not.”

“You wanna know why?” Toni began to caress the redhead’s shoulders, massaging gently whilst weaving her fingers between strands of red. “Because you were in pain, and nobody can make one-hundred-percent rational decisions in that sort of state.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever made particularly rational decisions, Toni,” the other girl scoffed, still refusing to make any particular effort to look up. The serpent felt conflicted. She wanted nothing more than to help her, tell her that she understood so fucking much despite the severity of the pretty damn extreme action which would have easily been the biggest call for help ever if only somebody had realised sooner. She bit her lip, finding her eyes trail across to the girl sat across from her.

_Help me._

The New Yorker seemed to get it immediately, eyes filling with understanding as she drew a breath, searching her mind of something to say. 

“Toni _is_ right,” she remarked. “You’ve been closeted for, what, however long it’s been since you knew. That, alongside everything else you’ve been through... I’m not saying it was right for you to do that but we both get why you did.”

“She’s never going to forgive me.” 

“You don’t know that, though,” Toni tried desperately.

“Josie is probably just hurt and shocked and confused,” the raven-haired girl continued. “Nothing beyond horrific will come from it, I swear. I don’t think Josie’s like Ethel, who just so happens to be perhaps the shadiest person in our year right now – I mean, she went behind by back, sure, her mom’s not doing great publically and she probably doesn’t need that on record atop of that. Besides – you have _us_. _We_ have your back.”

The redhead waited for a few moments before she silently raised her head, now resting her chin upon her hand rather than her forehead, staring painfully at the other girl, constantly scanning her face for any signification of doubt in those words, before turning back to Toni, doing the same.

She couldn’t help but want for one of them to be lying. Then, at least, she’d be proven right: that nobody did really care about the consequences, just as her mother had told her that many times. That people only helped her – minimally, at that, too – to look good on their behalf, not really giving a shit as to how Cheryl would end up doing in whatever it was. That all that she had was a result of people wanting something from her. They didn’t like her, or even as much as appreciate her, because, well, when you have that big a fortune and you’re from that much of a despicable family and you’re that much of a bitch, who the hell would want you as a person alone? 

And now she was thinking just that. What if Veronica was only here for something? Which, in all honestly, wasn’t that hard to figure out that she wasn’t now, not only because she was probably even better off than Cheryl Blossom herself (especially post her arson ages) but the redhead also remembered something that Veronica had said a while back – several times, actually, but the first being early this academic year when she’d only been resident in this truck-stop town for a week or maybe only a few days. She remembered that those words had been repeated that night at Thornhill, the eve of Jason’s funeral, when the raven-haired girl had thrown her pitiful look after pitiful look, spoken to her softly and kindly as they both dozed off – just as Cheryl had asked why the fuck she was being nice to her especially when she’d been so absolutely _horrific_ to this girl she barely knew, who barely knew her. The words were blurred by the miserable, passive state she’d been in that night, but she remembered that the raven-haired girl was trying to be so nice to everyone because she wanted a fresh start, or at least to reform whatever selfish image she’d acquired from her previous fifteen-year-long lifetime in the Big Apple. Even if that was a fraud, her actions these last two weeks, as Toni had exaggerated, were only those a true friend could deliver.

And then Toni. Just sweet _Toni_. The girl who had saved her, both literally and metaphorically (in every way possible, in fact), who she loved, who – whether Cheryl knew that for real or not – _adored_ her back completely unconditionally. Her mother was wrong. She was loved. She had found love, could now understand the meaning of it, and right now she really could not imagine anything different from what she was living through at this very moment. 

Looking at the two of them now, squeezed into the petite living area, eating greasy diner food whilst discussing what the next step in life was – however cliché it may seem – she couldn’t even begin it think about how darn _lucky_ she was.

So lucky that she had not just one but two people to help her through her shit – most specifically, this major, extremely shitty situation she was living through at the moment in time. 

And she wanted to smile. Broad. Wide. And genuinely, of course. 

She couldn’t miss the way she added _‘of course’_ to that like smiling was the most routine thing when, flash back to maybe only a month ago, an authentic smile was something she never imagined she’d radiate.

It made her want to smile even more.

She was loved by a girl better than whom she could dream about. She had a friend who cared about her and equally wanted her to be happy, regardless of whatever was going on in her own life.

She could _never_ have been that nice to somebody throughout her home troubles at their lightest.

“Josie won’t get her mom in the way, will she?” Cheryl asked Veronica hopefully. Toni cocked an eyebrow, earning herself a giggle from the redhead.

“Whatever... whatever happens with that shit, anyway, I’d be happy to say that Operation Penelope is now launched.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyyrrhhh so I’ll probably change the last sentence when I go back at format this later on since I’m not 100% on it... basically, this chapter did not follow it’s plan to the point! Still, so sorry about the horrifically long wait but hope you enjoy this chapter, and thanks once again for sticking by! Say this constantly but I just love you guys!


	13. Chapter 12

She hadn’t been expecting the nightmares to be as bad as they were.

Well, actually, she _had_. She knew that the traumas surrounding the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy would come back and haunt her in her sleep, and she knew that she’d have some of the worst nights she’d ever had (which said a lot since her nightmares ever since Jason had died had been more awful that anyone could ever imagine) but she didn’t realise they’d be _that_ bad so soon.

Maybe she had been hoping that they wouldn’t be, more than anything. Because, of course, nobody had ever been there by her side – both figuratively and literally – when she had gone through them before, with her mother blaming her and her father just not around (later turning out to be the primary source of those nightmares of death and danger and decaying bodies). They hadn’t cared then, and if she were with them right now she was pretty adamant that they would continue to not care.

But now she didn’t have them. She had Toni instead, and that was a million times better yet a hundred times worse still. Better? Well, who wouldn’t see why that was better? Toni cared. She cared so unconditionally, so passionately, so, so much. Toni was the best person the world could ever hold, so much so that Cheryl questionned so often whether she was even real. But, as for the worst part? Cheryl was scared. So scared of revealing her true self to her. It wasn’t so much of a trust thing, because hell, Toni Topaz had taught Cheryl the true definition of trust, but instead more of an issue of Cheryl not wanting to place that much of a burden on the other girl. Cheryl was afraid of hurting her, whatever form that may possibly take place in. Toni was strong. Cheryl was weak. Opposites attracted, but what were the consequences of that? How would that affect Toni? The redhead couldn’t bear to consider what might happen as a result of their relationship.

Which was one of the reasons why the redhead had been laid wide awake in bed since around five this Sunday morning, trying to forget about what had in fact woken her up that ungodly hour, trying to occupy herself with the sounds of Hot Dog snoring whilst he was curled into Toni’s other side and the early morning sky as it turned from pitch black to the most precious pink and orange sunrise, ignoring the thoughts of how the balcony of Thornhill had faced in the same direction and how that had been the one thing she looked forward to seeing – the sign of a new day, and, with that, another shot at a better chance in life.

Thistle House had been too hidden beneath the trees for Cheryl to see both sunrise nor sunset. She couldn’t help but wonder if that was one of the reasons why she still hated herself for burning down the grand mansion she’d lived in for sixteen years.

Lying staring out of the window, shivering marginally beneath the blankets, was a lonely activity undoubtably. But she couldn’t help but feel so relieved that her nightmare had only been the type which caused her eyes to shoot open, nothing more, nothing less. One glance over at Toni, still remaining peacefully asleep beside her, and she felt as if she could breathe easy again. At least she hadn’t woken the serpent up this time. That was all she was concerned over right now.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed since that point. Judging from the level of natural light in the room alone it was definitely past seven. A wave of fatigue washed over her, but she knew that any attempts to go back to sleep would be both pointless and failed. So she stayed awake. Reaching further across to stretch her cramping arm, she felt her fingertips reach exposed skin on the other side of her, trailing down a little to what she thought to be knuckles and further her again to what she was sure to be chipped fingernails. The redhead moved her hand back up the other girl’s slim arm, taking note of how smooth her skin was to add to the mental list of things which Toni was so perfect for. She found herself frowning a little as she reached a collection of several raises, holding her breath for several seconds and wincing a little as she tried to figure of the origins of them, the main one coming to picture being what she could only hope was wrong. Was that why the pink-haired was so nice to her? Was that why she too had been caught in an expression which Cheryl couldn’t seem to decipher yet seemed to understand, or at least recognise from her own image in a mirror? She felt a sadness deep within her, biting her lip as she realised she hadn’t noticed this from the other girl before.

After several seconds of the redhead running her hand up and down the darker skin the serpent shuffled, pulling her hands close to her chest under the blanket in a ticklish flinch, leaving Cheryl’s thoughts wandering. A wet dog nose brushed against her pale palm, and she fell shocked at the way she was no longer cringing at the barely pleasant scenario. Living in a ten-metre-wide trailer. Hanging with Southside Serpents. Eating food mainly out of a packet or tin. Sharing a bed – let alone a house – with a dog. She could barely believe that just a couple of weeks back she would have refused to go within half a kilometre of this trailer park. And the best thing about that was how it felt good. It felt normal. She’d seen those rich-person-poor-person life-swap shows before – mainly on those days where she felt too melancholic following her mother’s hurtful words and the truth about her brother’s horrific death and couldn’t stand the idea of getting out of bed despite the extreme lack of interesting television – but basically living in that alternate-universe sort-of world? As much of a contrast as it was to her, it felt so real, so vivid with defined black lines holding the array of contrasting colours together. Life at Thornhill, followed by Thistle House, seemed like a black and white movie – something outdated like those video tapes on those dreadful movie nights. Lying on the sofa, mind feeling kind of fuzzy with a queasy sensation in her stomach, wondering whether she was actually turning unwell from whatever crap she’d eaten for the last two weeks and all those mystery pills they’d made her down, all those oddly-coloured substances they’d injected into her, the redhead could only think of what she could relate her experience of to The Wizard Of Oz – a black and white world, a tragedy, colour, not to mention that munchkin-sized girl peaceful laid next to her, and a wicked witch which was yet to be defeated.

It was Sweet Pea who had woken up next, Cheryl listening to every creak of the floorboard and bang of every closing cupboards in the bedroom, the buzz of the electric shaver in the bathroom, pretending to sleep as the taller boy manoeuvred through the kitchen before peering into the living room.

“I know that you’re awake, Blossom,” he smirked after a few moments, “Toni and my family play that act on me enough.”

With a shuffle, Cheryl propped herself up enough for her to see the silhouette of his giant figure leant over the kitchen counter which was barely up to his hips proportionally, pulling a petite box from the drawer.

“What causes you to be awake this hour?”

“It’s not that early. About... half nine?” he squinted at the clock on the wall, taking a moment to calculate exactly what time it was from the incorrect time in its face. “And I came to smoke.”

“Smoke?” Cheryl scrunched her nose up.

“Yeah,” he rolled his eyes, placing one between his lips as he fished around for a lighter. “Cigarettes. Nothing exotic, just tobacco, so don’t panic about me getting high this early in the morning.”

“It’s cold outside. At least take a coat.”

“Caring about me all of a sudden?” he chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m joking. I’ll manage without; at least it’s not snowing at the minute. Besides, Tiny would kill me if I stepped a foot inside with one of these.”

“You really call her Tiny?” the redhead rolled her eyes.

“Toni... Tiny... same thing,” he shrugged. “Have you seen her? She’s, like, five foot nothing.”

Cheryl sighed, leaning back against the couch, staring at the other girl with a small smile of admiration. “Don’t offend my girlfriend, please.” 

“She’s really charmed you, huh?” Sweet Pea shook his head with a chuckle. “At first, I must admit, I wasn’t impressed with her choice. I mean... you’re not exactly pro-serpent, and I get that in the way the serpents aren’t particularly pro-Blossom.” he fumbled with the keys in the door, the jingle of metal against metal perking up dog which subsequently jumped over the arm of the couched, wagging his tail as Sweet Pea crouched down to pet him upon the head. “But you’re not half bad, even though we haven’t exactly spoken the odd word to each other. Besides, she’s happy. I’ve never seen Toni so happy, or at least not in a long time. She’d kill me for bringing this up, but these last two weeks you were gone, she’s been a mess. On that note, if you dare hurt her in the slightest you’re going to see hell. She’s as much as a sister to me as my own.”

“Is that why you’re being nice to me?”

“That’s... a hard question to answer,” he twirled the cigarette between his long fingers. “Anyway... I’m off. Shout if you need anything.”

The redhead narrowed her eyes, smirking to herself as the door was closed to. “Try not to die of lung cancer out there.”

The six-foot-three figure shook his head, muttering to himself. “You can tell she’s with Toni.”

**xx**

When Toni awoke at around ten to ten on that Saturday morning, cold air blowing in from outside, she patted the other side of the sofa bed, fingertips reaching across for something warm to greet her. Reaching her whole arm across and still finding nothing, her eyes suddenly opened wide, sitting up quickly in panic like somebody who had woken up five minutes before the start of school with the realisation that they had an exam first thing. She couldn’t feel the soft skin of the girl she loved, nor the rough fur or even rougher paw pads of the dog she was lowkey obsessed with. She felt panic rise in her chest as she searched around the trailer for either of them, frowning at the open front door which was letting in the cruel, frosty breeze which made her shiver, the exposed caramel-coloured skin on her arms and legs covered in goosebumps.

“Cher?” she croaked out softly, voice hoarse with sleep. She frowned at the lack of a response. “Cher?” she asked a little louder, or at least as loud a sound as she could make this early after awaking. No response yet again. 

Crap, she thought, drawing a shaky breath as she rummaged around in the sheets, trying to pull the two heavy blankets off her body and wincing at the chill she met as soon as she had. Crap. She had fallen asleep, and in those odd twelve hours or whatever it had been – she could barely remember what time they’d even gone to bed, or at least gone to sleep, spending a fair few hours on a fairly whisper-based FaceTime to Veronica after she’d reluctantly left to go home – Cheryl had left the living room. It wouldn’t have been so much of an awful situation had they not just rescued her from a gay conversion camp a matter of days before... but, hey, that’s what had happened, and she was now panicking as a result of that. 

Her legs failed her as she rushed to jump off the couch, half tripping, half running to the ajar front door of the trailer to find Sweet Pea sat on the doorstep, flicking his lighter on and off as he gazed intrigued at the flame, Hot Dog gnawing on a chunk of wood which he’d apparently found somewhere.

But where was Cheryl? 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The shorter girl flinched at the deep voice, unable to recognise it for what it was – that bring one out of two of her best friends of twelve years. All she could focus on was–

“– where’s Cheryl? She’s wasn’t there when I woke up,” she said in one frantic breath, heaving at the end of the sentence from the current lack of oxygen in her lungs.

“Toni, calm the fuck down,” Sweet Pea looked up, shaking his head as he patted the space on the porch beside him. “She said that she was going to take a shower, so chill the fuck out and sit down.” The pink-haired girl could only oblige, falling heavily upon the rotting wooden step with a creak as she massaged her temples.

“I thought–” 

“We had a short conversation, I came outside and then she called out a few minutes after that how she was going to have a shower. If anything had happened, well, the front side of the trailer is all in my line of vision, we had pretty a badass guard dog here in Sunnyside – right boy?” he threw an imaginary ball for the scruffy pound dog, to which he whined in confusion before scampering to Toni’s side in search for fuss “– and the back windows don’t open. So you need to just take a deep breath and not overthink.”

“I should have been awake...” she mumbled in frustration at herself, yawning as a shiver travelled through her body. “Why was I asleep? I’m the lightest sleeper ever? God...” 

“Why are you beating yourself up about sleeping, Tiny?” the taller boy’s expression had changed in the past twenty seconds, forehead creasing in concern rather than him rolling his eyes like he had been a fair few moments ago. “You need to sleep as well. You’re exhausted. Just take a look at yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t try that bullshit with me, Topaz,” he took another drag on his cigarette, much to the brunette’s disgust at the act, “I’ve seen you at your worst, and right this second don’t look that far off what you did then.”

“Don’t bring that up,” she glared at him, words venomous.

“You’re not denying it, though, are you?” he huffed. Toni only rolled her eyes and made some noise under her breath which resembled a growl. “Look, Toni. I know you’re her–”

“–girlfriend,” she advised him.

“– _girlfriend_ and all,” Toni almost smiled at the wording even through her fair level of frustration, “but don’t take this upon yourself to protect her from her mom. Let us help. Let us in. You can’t do this on your own, because one way or another you will get hurt. 

“I’m not on my own,” Toni sniffed after a short while, wiping her eyes for any traces of the tears which could have leaked during this conversation. “Veronica is helping. And Kevin.”

“But what about me, Toni? What about Fangs? Jughead?” Sweet Pea shook his head, not in a way which could indicate he felt betrayed but in more of a way of reminding. “We’d have helped.”

“Jughead doesn’t like Cheryl. _Most_ of the Serpents don’t like the Blossoms, saying that,” she spat.

“It’s because we’re scared of the Jason thing happening again, or something like that. You _know_ that,” he reminded her, tone firm. There was a time and place for sympathy, but right now they were living in a universe where tough love was required. “ _‘No serpent stands alone’_ , Toni. That’s for everything, not just on those nights where your uncle locks you out or you find yourself caught up in the middle of a fight.”

He paused for a short moment, taking another drag of his cigarette before stamping it out. 

“So... what are you thinking about now?”

“I don’t know what to do about her mom,” she uttered eventually. “I can think about all those horrible things she’s done to her, how much she’s been abused, how disgusting her mom is, but then I feel guilty about the fact that I want to drive apart a family which is already more or less gone.” 

“Maybe it’s for the best?”

“Maybe. But – I just don’t know, Sweet Pea. Everything in me says I should do it, because she needs to be protected from her so that the bitch won’t try any more acts like that. But–”

“But, what?” the taller boy scoffed. “You’ve spent the past two weeks devastated about how you didn’t know where she was. That girl’s mom seems pretty twisted from what you’ve told me.” 

“I know that. I couldn’t tell you where I stand right now... what’s right, what wrong...”

“Then ask her, Toni. It seems to me that you’ve already got that idea sussed but you’re not doing anything for it.”

Unable to argue much further on from where she’d gained already, the pink-haired serpent slumped in her position and began to plait the pink ends of her hair. It was dry and damaged, as had it been for months now, a result of using crappy shampoo and not bothering to cut it for years, nothing at all like the sleek, smooth red of Cheryl’s locks. But then, they were from the opposite sides of the tracks. Cheryl was a straight A student whilst Toni was just about reaching the low Bs these days. Cheryl wore red to stand out from the crowd and Toni wore primarily unsaturated shades to fit in with the rest of the gang.

Although, as they say, opposites attract. And she was beginning to believe that more than anything right now.

“Bonjour.”

Toni groaned and smiled, turning around to notice the redhead stood behind her in the doorway, dressed in a pair of better-fitting black jeans and some cream blouse that she could only assume Veronica had lent her. “I can’t handle French this early on a Saturday morning.”

The redhead smirked from behind her, brushing her long damp plait over one shoulder.

She’s so strong, Toni thought to herself as she took in the half-genuine smile on her bare face. How could someone be so beautiful without make up, at barely ten in the morning, after going through two weeks – no; correction – sixteen years of hellish activity?

“Breakfast?”

The redhead nodded mutely, smile growing, as the serpent heaved herself up off the front steps using Sweet Pea’s shoulder as a hand hold.

“Yes, please. I’m famished.”

The pink-haired give relieved a chuckle as she grabbed two tall brown mugs down from the cabinet next to the door, flicking on the switch to the kettle. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Cheryl hesitantly go to sit down at the small table, apparently unfazed by the amount of trash laid upon it.

“You look nice.”

“Thank you.” the redhead pulled the kitchen chair out from under the table. “But – not that I’m unappreciative towards Ronnie or anything – I much prefer your stuff.”

“Shame I have limited which fits,” the shorter girl smirked. “To let you know, you might need to borrow Veronica’s more often now that you have it here.” 

“Just grow another three inches in height and we’ll be fine,” Cheryl rolled her eyes.

“I don’t think that’s going to happen, to be honest,” Toni rolled her eyes. “My mum only got to 5’5. My dad was tall though. I just got short – literally and figuratively. The ease of sharing won’t improve much, I’m guessing.”

Cheryl laughed, rolling her eyes at the other girl once again as she struggled to grab the bag of flour from the second shelf of the cupboard. “I noticed you still have the shirt I offered you for the will reading, when I was looking through your stuff earlier.” Toni paused and narrowed her eyes, earning a correction from Cheryl who had panicked at the said gesture. “Not in that way – I was looking for some clothes, and I noticed it in the pile.”

“Offered seems to be the wrong term,” she shook her head with a broad smile. “I was going to give it back, but by the time I’d made it to the laundrette and figured out how you wash stuff like that all this shit had happened...”

“You can keep it, if you want. I like it, but I’d prefer to see it on you.”

Toni paused, a smile playing in her lips as she tried to think of a decent enough response to the offer. “Thank you.” 

“I was going to offer anyway. Don’t think that I didn’t notice you admiring it in the mirror at the will reading.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Cheryl corrected her. “No offence to your – uhh – discount denim – but your wardrobe needs some more formal stuff. Have you ever been to prom? Don’t you have anything for that?”

“Southside High never had dances or anything. For the best, I’d say to that, considering the things which might have happened there.”

“Oh.” Cheryl furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. She knew that Southside High was trash from a few things said and due to the sheer fact that those who called themselves ‘teachers’ were about as criminal as some of the students, but she’d at least expected them to have a prom? Surely all schools had at least one prom?

“Bit different to Riverdale High, I assume. How many dances did you have? Homecoming? Autumn Formal? Halloween Ball? Thanksgiving? Winter Formal? Ten between that?”

“Sounds about right.”

“And you had to buy a new dress for all of them?”

“I did. Most people do, I guess.”

“To think that I’ve spent the majority of my life believing that these things only happened in those peppy high school movies,” the serpent chuckled to herself, “when, in reality, I’ve just been missing out the whole time because I live, what, in an area closer to a different school?”

“At least you get junior and senior year to enjoy that, still,” Cheryl quirked an eyebrow at her. “What, two and a third more years left of the so-called ‘proper’ high school experience?”

“I guess. What else do I have to do to live like they do in those movies before I leave in to the wide, wide world of... god knows what?” the pink-haired girl rolled her eyes jokingly.

“Well, you’re already on the River Vixens, so you’ve got the cheerleading off the checklist,” Cheryl furrowed her eyebrows in thought. “By the way, how did people react to that?”

“I mean, Fangs is co-directing the musical or something, so we’re on the same page. As for everyone else? Similar reaction to what happened when the River Vixens found out that a Serpent was joining their troop, I guess.” Toni frowned and stared into the coffee granules at the bottom of the mug she’d allocated to Cheryl. “How do you like your coffee, by the way?”

“I can do it,” the taller girl smiled, getting up from her seated position, eager to walk away from the chair which was digging into her spine. “The musical, hmm? Fancy following in your fellow serpent’s footsteps and auditioning?”

“I mean, I may as well audition.” 

“Any particular part.”

“I really do not care, to be honest,” Toni rolled her eyes, laughing at the idea. “Are you planning on doing the same?”

“Yes,” Cheryl stirred her coffee through. “Except, I have higher aspirations.”

“The lead? Go for it. I couldn’t imagine anyone else playing Carrie.”

“Centre stage. A single spotlight.”

“Wow,” Toni rose an eyebrow, smirking. “You really are Sharpay Evans.”

“I mean, she was never straight, I guess,” Cheryl shrugged. After a couple of seconds, tears welling in her eyes under then concerned watch of Toni. “Except, I’m now lacking what she had.”

“Cher–” The serpent raced over to her side, brushing a loose strand of hair over her shoulders as tears ran down her face on their side.

“I’ve lost everything, Toni,” the redhead whimpered, a muffled sob sounding as she buried her face into the other girl’s neck. “I’ve lost my family. And it was bad before, but now– after this, I just don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Toni sighed, squeezing the taller girl around the waist a little tighter. She could feel the redhead’s shuddering sobs against her body, tears and wet hair dampening the shoulder of the shirt she was wearing. She bit her lip. The last thing she wanted was to drive her in to another breakdown. “Shh– let it out. I’m here.”

At those soft words Cheryl could only fall apart even more. Not out of pity – instead, out of sheer happiness to be with someone know cared. Love. Relief. Those were the primary sources. Yet, she still couldn’t escape those thoughts. Every time she tried her hardest to push them away, the redhead could only fall further down the spiral.

It was weird, because she’d never really had a family, or at least had a family which acted like a real family. The only definition of family she knew of was the one involving the purpose being heirs and children – something she’d heard in class, an outdated view, but still relevant in this case later on.

It was wrong.

She always knew that it couldn’t have been right, but now all she could think about was how black-and-white-version-of ‘wrong’ the whole situation really was.

“Steady, Cher,” Toni soothed after the most wracking sobs overwhelming her body had subsided, quickly turning off the hob before guiding her to the sofa bed in the living room once again. “Deep breaths, remember?” She nodded, inhaling as deeply as he couldn’t before exhaling slowly, sniffling and wiping tears between the irregular, hiccuped gasps.

“You have me,” the pink-haired girl whispered into the other girl’s ear after a short while, every time a reminder of what she already knew deep down but never quite managed to unconditionally trust. Of course, over a decade and a half spent receiving a large lack of love or any positive value for that matter couldn’t be fixed in a matter of minutes. And so she repeated that. Many times. For many minutes. Until eventually, after several stops and starts of heavy cries, her breathing began to fall back to normal and the tears began to decline in their numbers, or at least their sizes. “I’m still here. I’m not leaving,” the brunette continued to whisper softly into her hair, leaving gentle pecks upon her blotchy forehead a million times and only hoping that it would make up for every kiss she had ever missed out on, praying that they’d show her how much she loved her, emphasising just how much of her heart she was willing to give to her – that being all of it.

After a few moments, Toni heard Cheryl whisper something. “Mm?” She pulled away momentarily, hands moving to the redhead’s palms and massaging softly as she cocked her head a little.

“I had another nightmare,” the redhead repeated, the murmur still only just audible enough to hear through her quietening sobs and sniffles.

The redhead felt tears springs to her eyes once again as the serpent’s eyes softened, catching a hint of pain and sympathy within them before she shook her head, falling back against the shorter girl’s shoulder, body language begging her to hold her again.

“Cheryl, why didn’t you wake me up? I told you to wake me up if–”

“I know!” she sniffled in weak protest. “I know you did. And I was going to... but then you looked so peaceful... I didn’t want to disturb you...” The serpent felt her heart drop to her stomach as she shook her head. 

“Still, Cher, you should have said something. How long have you been awake for, anyway?” 

“I’d say since around five–”

“Four hours and you didn’t say anything?”

It wasn’t an angry tone, nor one of disappointment. It was more of an... upset one. Apologetic one. A pained one.

_God, her pain was hurting Toni?_

“I’m sorry...” 

“No...” Toni shook her head, tightening the hug her again, “don’t be. I’m not mad. God, Cher, I’m not mad at all... how could I be mad? Just– next time, please wake me up. If you have to wake me up every single night from now then I’ll wake up for you more than happily. Just don’t try and go through this alone. Got it?” The redhead nodded slowly. “I’m here now. I’m here for you.” She pulled away for a second to take a large gulp of her coffee, relishing in the strong taste accompanied by the sweetness of the three sugars. She handed Cheryl hers, sweet and milky, just as she’d done to her liking. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It was about my mother,” Cheryl sighed after a while, crawling closer into Toni’s side, welcomed into the arm which didn’t hesitate to envelope her. “She was going to send me back there... she said Jason would be ashamed of me, dating a girl let alone a serpent. That I was a traitor.”

Toni shook her head. “That’s not true.”

“I know that. But... but it’s like it is the truth. It felt so real. I don’t know,” she sighed, shivering at the sheer concept alone. “Jason was the only person who cared about me. He was like my big brother. I mean, of course he is, because he’s the oldest of us, but sometimes it feels like I’m five years younger than him. He met all expectations and I just couldn’t keep up with him. At dinners my parents would talk about how he made the football team, was guaranteed scholarships; whatever. I’d just be sat there, waiting for any complement directed at me but knowing the whole time that it would never come. I was the family disappointment.” 

Toni listened carefully, taking note of every part where her bottom lip wobbled, every word which was uttered in shakes. She’d been the only child. She hadn’t known sibling rivalry or sibling favouritism or anything like that at any point in her life. Sure, she’d watched that _What Would You Do?_ episode about it that first time Sweet Pea had accused his parents of preferring his sister to him to that she could try and relate, and she’d listened to his further rants from that. Fangs had several siblings, and then though the eldest boy hadn’t complained of it she’d heard the words _‘you’re the favourite one!’_ screamed many times during those occasions she’d been round the Fogarty trailer. Hearing Cheryl talk about it now made her heartstrings tug so hard that they hurt. 

“This was before the thing with Heather strayed. After that, things just got worse.”

Toni bit her lip and winced.

“Where’s Heather now? Do you know?” 

“What?” Cheryl grinned, sniffling as she let out a dry, stiff laugh which severely lacked any form of humour. “Jealous?” 

“Curious better fits the description, I’d say,” the pink-haired girl rolled her eyes. “But, yeah, where abouts is she now? Do you know?”

Cheryl drew a deep breath.

“My parents paid for them to move. Chicago, I think. Let’s say that they cut off all links between us, she blocked me on all social medias. I don’t blame her, really. I remember the day they told them to leave. I remember my father yelling at hers for an hour, seeing her leave in tears that last time I saw her,” she was beginning to choke up again, tears pooling in her eyes. “I did some stalking this time last year and she lives in London for some reason, now. There’s no way I’ll ever find her again.”

“I’m sorry,” Toni reached up to cup the other girl’s cheek, wiping away one of the tears which was beginning to fall down them her again. Her first love was a fucking idiot, and she would be more than happy not to see him again – not that they would in any happy situation, really, considering the way he had gone to join the Ghoulies own. But she understood that, to Cheryl, Heather wasn’t just a first love. They had been best friends, or so she had reported, and from other things she could only guess that she had been one of Cheryl’s _only_ friends _ever_. If Toni had Fangs or Sweet Pea dragged away from her, she wouldn’t know what to do. She wouldn’t know how to live with that idea. Right now, she couldn’t imagine a world without them. So to have Heather dragged away from Cheryl by her own mother, banned from seeing or at least doing to much as talking to her ever again? It was just the dictionary definition of cruelty; plain and simply.

“I wonder if she knows about Jason,” Cheryl thought aloud. “What if she’s forgotten about me?”

Toni shook her head. “True friends don’t forget.”

“I destroyed it everything we were. What we could have been. What we had been.”

“It’s not your fault,” she planted another kiss on the other girl’s cheek. “Not in any way, Cher. You got that?” The taller girl nodded, burying herself back into Toni’s side. “None of this is your fault, baby. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is, or that you deserve it, or anything like that, because it isn’t. You do not deserve what you’ve had.”

“Thank you,” Cheryl sniffed, wiping her eyes again. She glanced over at the TV quickly. “Can we watch another movie today? Please?”

Toni nodded. “Of course, m’love. But first,” she grinned, “pancakes?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see... I tried to balance this chapter out between Toni and Cheryl, because quite honestly with season 3 out soon, Toni will probably end up being Cheryl’s emotional support and that’s it for whatever episodes she’s written into... no shade intended... also I really don’t give two shits about Heather, she’s probably never gonna turn up and to he honest I don’t want her too and there will be no Heather in this fic or any fic I write for that matter. :D Anyway, sorry for the slow update, school is just being a bitch and I’m like the least healthy person ever at this moment in time so sorry if there’s a few errors or stuff seems really randomly placed in it, I’ll try to fix them when I don’t have a headache BUT THREE DAYS UNTIL SEASON THREE! PS - who is able to suggest an alternative to USTVNOW because it not longer works on mobile for me? May just grab my old water damaged phone and download the CW app on that at this point tbh.


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically the premiere has inspired me to write massively... and I’ve managed to write this whilst contemplating how I can write a fic on Hot Dog and Vegas, because I honestly am lowkey tempted right now... sounds like a joke but I really am considering it. So excuse if some bits seem a bit random, because now that the show has restarted I suddenly feelBut I have TYTFA and this to write for, and then several other li’l oneshots I have ideas for, so that may not happen any time soon. Oops. Oh well, leave comment if you’ve enjoyed/hated (lmao) this chapter, love hearing your feedback, and I’ll try to write a lot more regularly now! Aaaand in the words of Sharpay Evans and Cheryl Blossom... toodles! (that, btw, might be my yearbook quote since I have to think of one by next week)

Fourth batch of pancakes down and the failed ones passed down to Hot Dog, the the second rewatch of the week of _‘A Cinderella Story’_ was underway. Considering the movie they were in process of watching was a rom-com, it was actually fairly depressing if you took specific note of the way the main character’s step-mom was fake bitch, the dad was years dead, and the character’s biological mother was assumably the same.

Maybe that’s why she had been obsessed with it ever since the first viewing, aged probably six years old or something like that and watching it on some television channel in the summer holidays – because she could relate; or at least she could relate in the region of biological parents. In the position of the fictional step-mother instead world her alcoholic uncle that she couldn’t find any love for other than the one she forced upon herself because he was family, after all, and in opposition to the film then were absolutely penniless.

She still remembered that day she’d told him that she wouldn’t pay his bills to make up for the way he refused to go to work for a third of his shifts. He’d told her that she was disloyal. Told her that this wasn’t her house to enjoy anymore. That any night spent there from that day onwards would be entirely out of rare courtesy. So what? It wasn’t her home anyway. It wasn’t even a home at all.

But, this time round, Toni couldn’t help but take note of how damn _simple_ the character’s lives were more than ever. No murders. No gangs. Popular girls. Unpopular girls. Girls who want to be popular but – let’s face it – probably never would be. The teen sports star who didn’t know what he wants to do with his life. Toni couldn’t help but strive for that normal.

Because, _yes_ , a high school movie from the early noughties was more normal than their day-to-day way of life.

Because, of course, despite the _slightly_ dark themes running throughout – such as the deceased parent idea, although that was a theme also explored in every Disney film ever to exist – this was a film released in 2004 with a PG rating, and they couldn’t exactly _do_ that much with it without parents going off on one about something pathetic and so-said _‘controversial’_.

Still, Toni watched on as the teenagers got on with schoolwork (what’s even _is_ that in the movie universe, though?), college applications, crushes, jobs. Legal jobs. Diner girl. Drive-through-car-wash dude, entrepreneur, or whatever. Nothing like her own job – long nights at a biker bar which gave her a million blisters and made her want to shower in boiling water the next morning and cough up everything her lungs had in them besides oxygen. Illegal, of course, as it had been for them past two years. Not that nobody cared, apart from that cop who had once walked in and given her a bit of a ‘look’ when she’d told them she was nineteen at the start of her employment period.

Not that she blamed them. She’d be a bit concerned too if _she_ saw a five-foot-tall teenage girl who looked about ten serving an already drunk fifty-year-old biker guy with a criminal record a glass of Jack Daniels.

But those occasions were short and sweet and, most importantly, rare. So right now she was fine saying that she was twenty, even though she was pretty sure Sheriff Keller knew that she was in his son’s sophomore class at this point. 

She felt her phone vibrate on her thigh. It would probably be a text from Hog Eye or FP or somebody else, telling where what time she was on tonight. She didn’t want to look at it, really, or even do so little as _think_ about the idea of going to work after all of this bullshit she and her girlfriend had been through these past few days, but the more and more time she spent trying desperately to sway her mind back to the school dance scene in the film, the more and more time she found that it was impossible to ignore it. After several minutes of contemplation, barely even thinking about the movie on the old and small television screen at this certain point, flipping her phone over and moving it to the shielded area from Cheryl behind her hip, she turned it on, opening the ‘messages’ app with a concealed sigh.

Hog Eye [11:32] - 5 12 tonight

Seven hours. It was only seven hours of her without Cheryl, Cheryl without her, right? It could be eight. In all reality, it could actually be ten hours she was on. But it wasn’t. Maybe that was the biggest blessing she could ask for at this moment in time. Not much else was looking up, to be honest. Glancing over at the other girl, her hazel eyes set on the movie she too had admitted to watching an excessive number of times over the years, she realised that her being safe was the best thing ever. But with another nightmare last night, plus the several panic attack which were only to be expected but still wounded like a bullet, the breakdowns and just the pained and haunted look dwelling in her eyes, Toni was beginning to feel that heavy sensation in her chest which made her just want to break down for the other girl. Take her pain from her.

It was a silent prayer for her to be okay, but God didn’t exactly reside in biker bars so she was fairly stuck there. 

Getting back onto the film, she tried to focus on that for half an hour. She pulled herself closer to Cheryl, the redhead doing similar as the shorter girl felt fingers searching in the darkness for hers, and she felt eyes burning into the side of her head. When she was struggling to take it anymore, she reached back down for her phone and tried to tap in a message before the other girl took any notice. 

_Tinyyy [11:48] - favour_

_Tinyyy [11:48] - u in tonight?_

It wasn’t exactly a question; the serpent knew that her figurative brother was on sibling-sitting duty the majority of weekends, with his mom on the night shift where she wasn’t on the day shifts or in training most where she wasn’t on a shift. And, most of the time, she would be there to help out if she wasn’t spending the evening at her own job. The amount of times her gang had told her that they owed her ought to be remembered in times like this, right?

_Fangs [11:56] - Yass_

She drew a breath of relief as the notification. _Good._ Because if that _hadn’t_ been the case for whatever reasons then Sweet Pea would have had to cancel his plans or she’d have to find someone else to look stay with Cheryl whilst she was at work. And Veronica was currently on a strict curfew, as previously noted. Jughead was probably with Betty, and also probably unwilling to step in at this point. Did he even know what was going on? She couldn’t remember if she had said anything to be honest. Regardless, would they have actually stayed and kept an eye on her or would they have gone off and done whatever the fuck else they decide to do, _that_ most like being the word used thirteen words back? She had her suspicions.

She sighed, tapping in another message.

_Tinyyy [11:57] - would it b too much to ask if u cld have cheryl over? work x_

It only took a couple of minutes to receive the reply she needed.

_Fangs [11:59] - anytime tineees_  

“Who are you texting?” Cheryl murmured from beside her, eyes still set on the movie but clearly having noticed the other girl taking a minute away from the storyline. Toni shifted a bit, flicking the home button on and off continuously as she fiddled with her phone before looking up to the taller girl.

“Fangs,” she uttered monotonously, chucking her phone across to the other end of the sofa, placing her eyes back on the small screen in the corner as she tried to forget about what was going on.

“Oh,” Cheryl hesitated, trying to interpret the other girl’s facial expression, squeezing her hand. “Is everything okay?” 

“Mm.” The serpents couldn’t will herself to add more at that moment. Clearly noticing her lack of motivation, the redhead laid off with the questions. If it was that important, she trusted her to tell her later. For all she knew, it could have been a good morning text – not everybody woke up as early as she usually did, after all.

They were about two thirds through. They could wait until the end once they had finished this movie for her to go into details about the evening schedule. She could only hope that Cheryl got the picture. 

Almost fifteen minutes until the credits rolled, Toni knew that she had to tell her at that point. It was just that gut feeling – say something now or forever remain in piece. She fumbled around for the black remote, feeling around for the ‘pause’ button towards the bottom. She tried to not stop the movie with the camera set on some person, or at least not on some weird facial expression if that weren’t possible. She got lucky.

“What’s up?” Cheryl turned to her after several seconds, face screwed up in confusion, gripping the smaller hand in her own tighter than ever. She examined the shorter girl’s face, frowning at the grave expression she was met with in front of her.

Toni inhaled. She looked up, meeting Cheryl’s eyes for a moment, her own travelling down the rest of her body and eventually setting themselves on the bruises on her _own_ knuckles left form the other night when she’d tried to access her uncle’s apartment – _why had she thought that would be a realistic possibility let alone a good one, again?_ – before shaking her head, glancing back up at the girl in front of her. 

“Is Fangs okay?” The redhead asked. “Is that’s why you stopped the movie, may I add, _just_ before my favourite part?” 

Toni chuckled to herself as the other girl nudged her with her shoulder jokingly. She was still _there._ She nodded, smiling reassuringly.

“He’s good, thank you. We were just talking about something—”

_“Something?”_ Cheryl rose an eyebrow. Toni sighed deeply, leaning back as she closed her eyes.

She hadn’t said an awful lot to Cheryl about her part-time job, in all honesty. Sure, she’d brought up on the odd occasion that she had to go to work meaning they couldn’t FaceTime or text one another on a couple of nights when they’d first started being friendly with each other, and she was pretty sure that Cheryl knew _where about_ she worked, but _besides_ that?

“Would you be alright to stay with Fangs tonight whilst I’m at work?”

Toni held her breath as the redhead paused in thought momentary, perhaps digesting the words which had come out in all one long breath, but the other girl hadn’t been hesitant to curtly nod her response once it had all been digested. 

“What time?”

“Five ‘til midnight,” Toni pursed her lips, shrugging almost sleepily. “Seven hours. I can probably persuade them to shave an hour just this once with minimal effort if we’re not that busy. I work there enough, anyway.”

“Oh...” the redhead picked at the trim of the blanket, frowning at the idea of her girlfriend being out for such a long period of time. Not being able to _see_ her for that period of time. Six hours was just about manageable – she could catch up on schoolwork as a distraction, maybe watch another ten or so episodes of some shitty TV show – but anything above that limit felt like too long. Especially not being in this trailer – her safe space, as recently discovered, somewhere where she was _protected_ , somewhere she _knew_ , somewhere she was _used to_ , somewhere _warm_ and _comfortably_ – made the idea stand out with obnoxious flashing red lights as one _not_ so brilliant. “Why Fangs? What about Sweet Pea?” She questioned.

“He’s coming to the Wyrm too, at his leisure,” the pink-haired girl murmured against the other’s skin, shaking her head only just a noticeable amount. “Fangs is the only one staying in tonight who you know. He has to look after his brothers, so...”

The redhead flinched as her breath caught in her throat. Toni sighed deeply, massaging the redhead’s hand with her thumbs 

“Can I not come with you?”

“You remember what happened at Pop’s, right?” Or rather, what _didn’t_ happened at Pops. The way that the Pop’s thing never actually even happened for some specific reasons which so finely related to the current topic of conversation.

“Well, that was before–” _Fuck it._ Fuck the past, regardless as to whether it was recent or distant or _whatever_. She shook her head, ridding it of those thoughts which really did just demonstrate to her how much she was losing this debate she so desperately wanted – nope; _needed_ – to win. “–and besides, I’m over that now.”

The shorter girl simply shook her head before speaking softly. “ _No_ , Cher. It’s been a day; and not even _that_ , come to think of it now.”

“I can handle it. I’m sure. Besides, I don’t think my mother will be coming around to visit this area of town.”

“Still, Cher, I had to say no.”

The redhead groaned, rolling her eyes and pulling her hand away from Toni, who watched her every move like a hawk, breath caught in her throat and heart racing as she couldn’t do anything besides stare as the other girl’s words flew out of her mouth almost _angrily_ , _bitterly_. “You don’t have to babysit me. I’m _okay_.”

“I’m not taking chances on the panic attacks or flashbacks. And, literally, _anything_ can trigger them. You know that as well as I do.” 

“I’m going to have to leave the trailer at some point, TT. May as well be today, at night, when nobody is around because it’s the middle of fucking _February_ and snow is most likely on the horizon, knowing this place.”

Toni continued to shake her head. Her heart was torn between her conscience and her affection, and she just couldn’t do it. “You can’t go to the bar. I’m sorry. It’s– _you know._ ”

“What?” The redhead snapped, making the shorter girl flinch and fall silent. She felt her eyes pool with tears which stung like a papercut you got vinegar in, and the lump rise in her throat made it seems impossible to say another word.

This was a front. She had to remember that. Cheryl was hurting, more than anything else in the world right this second. She’s lost everything. And now that Toni was saying she can’t come to work with her, sit on a barstool or in the back room or something, she probably feels as unwanted as she did in the past, during the days where she lived with Penelope Blossom on Thornhill, and then Thistle House. And maybe that’s what had swayed her opinion, making the pink-haired girl frown and bite her lip as she considered whether there was any way in the world that they could go either way.

But there just wasn’t.

“The Wyrm isn’t a clean place,” she murmurs eventually. “And I’m not going to say much more than that because you know what that means as well as I do.” 

Whatever she had just responded with would have changed both of them in twelve hours time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically the premiere has inspired me to write massively... and I’ve managed to write this whilst contemplating how I can write a fic on Hot Dog and Vegas, because I honestly am lowkey tempted right now... sounds like a joke but I really am considering it. So excuse if some bits seem a bit random, because I feel that it could be since I wrote the later part of this at 3am last night. I have TYTFA and this to write for, and then several other li’l oneshots I have ideas for, so that may not happen any time soon. Oops. Oh well, leave comment if you’ve enjoyed/hated (lmao) this chapter, love hearing your feedback, and I’ll try to write a lot more regularly now! Aaaand in the words of Sharpay Evans and Cheryl Blossom... toodles! (that, btw, might be my yearbook quote since I have to think of one by next week)


	15. Chapter 14

She hadn’t a fucking clue why she was doing this.

 

Earlier, when she needed it to make the tiniest amount of sense, it had squeezed in through that barrier. But now? Now that they were walking down the street, engulfed by darkness besides the few flickering streetlights which poorly lit up certain sections of the pavement enough to give them an idea of what they were treading on, one hand clamped in the other’s like a lifeline with the one on the outside shoved in a jacket pocket, trying to prevent the bite of the freezing cold weather? Toni was having major doubts in that decision.

 

Not that she hadn’t been pacing up and down Sweet Pea’s bedroom earlier, venting to him about it, pleading for a reasonable response to her crisis (and, more importantly, him to keep both eyes on the redhead in question if she didn’t back down before it was too late), no longer able to focus on the remainder of the film Cheryl had dozed off halfway through especially since she hadn’t been listening to a word of the previous fifty minutes of, too caught up in her thoughts about tonight to focus on even the simplest of plot lines placed in from of her...

 

_“... it’s a Saturday night... it will be full in there... we don’t know who is or isn’t a serpent... whatever you do, do not take your eyes off of her... you said you’d help earlier and here’s where you do...”_ alongside a much more broken-sounding _“... I don’t know how I’d live if she was taken away from me again...”_

 

Toni didn’t get scared often. At least, not for herself. Being a serpent came with a series of sticky situations, near-death experiences, close calls; etcetera. And, three years in, she had seen a lot. So whenever she’d been caught in a fight with some ghoulies, at least a foot taller than her in most cases, or whatever else would be classed as ‘nerve-wracking’ to the individual – even then, that was rather ambiguous to her – instead of shaking inside and out with fear she found herself pumped with adrenaline. Adrenaline to do it, get out of it alive, and will herself to try not to think about it too hard that same night before she went to sleep.

 

It was different when other people were involved. Very different. Which was irritating as hell, because she was often with Fangs or Sweet Pea in those situations – her best friends forever and always, known each other as long as they could remember, and, hell, they’d been there through absolutely everything – and it felt like even more of a burden to keep them safe besides herself. Going into a fight or whatever else it could be with them by her side? Her own back became much less of an issue than theirs.

 

That was what she was scared of: losing the people she loved. Because she had been there, and she knew how much she hated it (more than anything else), how it left a pit of emptiness deep within her (which suffocated you with guilt and agony), the fear of what was next to come (more horror), how to live alone in this world (answer: you can’t) whether she’d find someone to replace that human-sized hole in her heart (with great difficulty).

 

“Are you sure about this, Cher?” she croaked out, clearing her through to hide the hoarseness of her voice. She could feel Sweet Pea’s eyes burning into the back of her head from his place behind her. He’d been right there when she’d told him how she was hoping that the taller girl would back down as soon as they got to the Wyrm.

 

The redhead was just stood there, in awe of the bar. It was overwhelmingly different to the ones she’d been to, even on the outside. But then again, and she even neared any place like the south side altogether? Definitely not.

 

“Cheryl...”

 

Toni was there, gazing at her with a creased brow, eyes full of concern and sympathy overwhelming her feature. She chewed on her lip, glancing at her blankly, gripping her hand tighter before she stared back at the exterior.

 

She was looking at a bar, and she knew that it was a bar, and everything there pointed to the fact that she was stood outside a bar.

 

But all she could see was death.

 

It had been six months. Probably more, actually – seven or even eight, perhaps. Nothing had changed. The bar was still open. No crime tape, no anything. It was like history had been forgotten.

 

But Cheryl hadn’t forgotten about it. And, judging by the way she had began to draw small, soft circles on her pale skin, she was adamant that Toni hadn’t forgotten either.

 

“We can go home?”

 

Then redhead looked back at her but shook her head quickly. _No._ She didn’t want to. But one more quick glance at Toni, this time meeting her eyes, and she could tell from then on that the sentence had been more than a suggestion.

 

It had been a plea.

 

Toni didn’t want her to go in. For every reason out there, putting herself in the other girl’s shoes even for a millisecond, she could understand exactly why.

 

But it was a bar. _Just a bar_. She’d been to bars before, plenty of them with her parents when they couldn’t trust her to stay at home even with Nana Rose and the housekeepers to keep an eye on her whenever they’d had business meetings and conferences and stuff like that. Bars of men in business suits, family members who apparently knew her when she couldn’t say the same about them.

 

A bar was a bar... _right?_

 

Almost telepathically, Toni sighed. “Cheryl, there’s more to it that this being out of the trailer park. It’s not just a bar...” The redhead frowned for a second before taking the chance to raise an eyebrow in reminiscence to one of the (barely) PG-13 films they’d watched those past few days. It didn’t take Toni long to realise either. “I worded that horribly,” Toni chuckled to herself, hoping the poor choice of words would pass as if she’d never used such ones as soon as. Her expression changed, Cheryl frowning as the shorter girl looked up with a similar expression.

 

“I don’t want to _say_ the reason why I don’t want you to go in there because I can barely think about it myself without feeling sick to my stomach.”

 

Everything felt silent to Cheryl from that point onwards. She went still, biting her lip subconsciously, trying to stop the lump in her throat from growing any bigger to the point where it was hard to breathe, or the point of a full ass breakdown which had no return – at least, no return for at least ten minutes, which at that instant was way too long a time for her to cry for. One quick glance at the other girl, and she realised that _she_ looked like she was ready to cry as well.

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” the pink-haired girl shook her head. “It’s just—”

 

“No,” Cheryl coughed to clear the lump her throat, wincing in frustration when she figured it wasn’t going very far. “No, you didn’t.”

 

“You have to understand...”

 

“I do understand,” the redhead interjected with a nod, pursing her lips, trying to make her tone sound as strong as possible, as far from breaking point as possible, and _somehow_ succeeding in so. “And I appreciate that. But— but it’s been literally six months, and I know that none of the Serpents were to blame. It wasn’t their fault. And my father’s dead now... it’s over... please, Toni?”

 

“It doesn’t change what happened there, Cher. A _murder_ happened there. It was your own brother– I just don’t want to hurt you.” Cheryl only shook her head, reaching up to the hand placed on her shoulder and brushing it away a little. “Please go to Fangs’.”

 

“Toni, it’s three minutes to...” Sweet Pea grunted in the background where he had been lingering throughout. She shot a look in his direction, but he only shrugged and kept twirling his cigarette between his fingers.

 

She felt torn. Either way, _anything_ bad could happen. And was it too much of a burden on Fangs to have her over? It was too late now anyway...

 

She turned to the taller girl in front of her, clasping her hand in hers, leaning in to whisper in her ear, however in a way which would still be audible to the boy behind her.

 

“If you want to leave, you come and tell me straight away and you can,” she pulled away. “Promise me that one thing, _if anything_ , okay?”

 

And so it was agreed. She sat with the serpents, sipped on the glass of water the shorter serpent had bought her, and tried to hide herself in the massive oversized hoody which had been passed down to her from Toni via Sweet Pea. Don’t attract attention. Don’t think too hard about what once laid under the floorboards. Have a few goes at snooker when bored to death. It would be fine until it wasn’t.

 

**xx**

 

The night had been going slowly.

 

It hadn’t been that busy at all, actually. There was no mad rush which made an hour pass in seemingly five minutes.

 

And seeing as that was the norm for a Saturday night, it was immanent that something a) _was_ up or b) _would be_ up.

 

Or maybe it was just that payday was next week, nobody felt up to going out in the minus temperatures, wanting to stay in and watch something on TV instead.

 

But nothing bad happened. She was stuck in the lethargic routine of serve drinks, clean glasses, _polish_ glasses when she for especially bored, make some excuse to go hang with Cheryl for a couple of decent minutes until she was called back.

 

Until, twelve minutes ‘til ten, one of those decades-old, rusty old motorbikes, a dozen or so things wrong with it already with no money to repair said things, the piece of steel worth essentially nothing, backfired.

 

Only, it didn’t sound like a motorbike backfiring.

 

It sounded like something much different. Much deadlier. Much more traumatic.

 

An ugly case of ‘wrong place, wrong time’.

 

And the only thing she could think of was him. Or, more specifically, his last few milliseconds of life.

 

Flight or fight took over. But she was sick of fighting, too tired of fighting. In all honesty, she was too tired of running either, but it was closing in on her, suffocating her, and she felt weak, like she was going to pass out, lungs unable to keep up with her. Toni’s voice was right behind her, calling her name in a way which was loud enough for her to hear but low enough for nobody else in this gang of bikers and criminals to, but it felt as if she were underwater, and for whatever reason it couldn’t ground her. She felt as if he were drowning, and in a way she wanted to be drowning, taken back to that icy day at Sweetwater but without her having sent that damn text to Veronica, the one which kept her here in this cruel, horrible world. That sound... it was a reminder of Jason, in the most part everything bad which was associated with her brother, everything nearing the end of her brother’s existence. It was all too much and she couldn’t escape. Not just yet, anyway. Her legs were exhausted, whole body throbbing, mind spotted and she felt bile begin to rise in her throat, but still; she couldn’t stop running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Egghhhhh so this is very much a filler chapter, and I’m most definitely editing later on, just bear that in mind as I struggled to articulate what I wanted through this lmao. I lost a massive chunk of work I was really happy with and that really unmotivated me. Forewarning: next two or three chapters are fairly dark (even more so than this entire fic... don’t worry, I won’t be depressing you forever) so please just review the tags and bear them in mind, especially for the chapter after next. Anyway, love you all so much, and sorry for the delayed update!


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attack but also read tags

The cold air bit her horrifically as she stepped outside, serpent jacket being pulled on hastily as she struggled with the inside-out left sleeve.

 

“Cher– _fu–_ wait!” she yelled after the redhead in anguish. Twenty or so metres behind at the least, reaction time slowed by shock which evidently hadn’t fazed the other girl who was apparently too frightened and torn up to think about the noise for any more than the split second it sounded, she sprinted as fast as her legs would carry her to the silhouette up ahead, sprinting away from the source, likewise away from the saviour. Her legs were longer, stamina trained by years of cheerleading – factors which Toni didn’t quite have, the only thing which carried her away from serpent missions had been pure adrenaline and fear of getting caught, cuffed and convicted.

 

Fight or flight. Not every situation could be fought, even by Riverdale’s resident HBIC, this especially alongside her mother, her family’s doings, years of abuse and fear and pain.

 

She _saw_ him. For the split second that bang sounded in, she _saw_ him, stood there, in his form as she had known it for her entire life, behind the crowd of the bar.

 

She could still see him. Not in his living form, but this time decayed, bullet hole in his forehead, eyes spooky; all so different to before. She couldn’t get his image of him out of his head, it appliquéd there ever since the second she swung that heavy door open.

 

Her lungs wouldn’t work, or at least not efficiently, and it everything was pointing to that day at the river. If she wasn’t drowning in water, she was drowning in her thoughts, in her mind, in herself...

 

What if she’d never text Veronica that goodbye message – three-quarters an explanation, ten percent a suicide note, five percent an ‘I don’t know whether I really want to do this, actually’?What if she’d just taken the option of death, painful as it was but only momentarily, being all over in a matter of minutes, nobody knowing, nobody caring? Reunited with her brother, whisked away from this godforsaken town, the life which had only ever been cruel to her...

 

That wasn’t true anymore. These past few weeks had changed that matter, all thanks to that one particular serpent who had proven to her that there was love in this world for her to fall the recipient of.

 

Toni.

 

She needed Toni right now. Nothing more. Nothing less. She felt her legs slow beneath her body, her vision before that ounce clearer, but the adrenaline was still rushing through her and her body was still running away. She felt her hands hit the pavement hard, and then ten seconds later a hand on her shoulder, shaking gently as words were spoken in a way which sounded like she was underwater.

 

Drowning... like the yells that day at the river when it was almost too late, almost over...

 

But they weren’t at the lake. They were in the southside, stood on some grubby street, hum of inconspicuous music only just audible behind her back, firm but gentle hand rubbing her back as her whole body quivered, that sensation of horrendous déjà-vu passing through her veins like ice.

 

This was like the other night, but twenty times worse.

 

She couldn’t breathe... it felt as if her chest was stuck, lungs had just stopped working altogether, given up on her, waiting tiresomely for her to just pass out from the desperate lack of oxygen.

 

She half wished she would. At least then she wouldn’t be conscious, living in the moment of this horror, probably wouldn’t be shaking so bad...

 

“Breathe, Cher, just breathe... come on...”

 

But she couldn’t. She wanted to, she wanted to breathe and scream and tell the girl at her side everything that had happened, fall into her arms and hope that she’d find peace in them like she had that many times before, but it was just too hard. Her entire body was aching with effort, her hands were grazed from the fall, but there was this underlying sensation of numbness, loss of control, emotional pain overwhelming her, dizzying her, making it the only feeling she could concentrate on. Before she knew it she was throwing up the contents of her stomach onto the pavement. Toni sighed, pulling her hair back from her face as she continued to dry heave and splutter on knees which didn’t want to stand but desperately wanted to run.

 

Conveniently placed, right next to a cheap, greasy bar in the dodgy part of town, the serpent thought to herself with a frown.

 

“Get it up... get it up...” Cheryl could hear the other girl murmur as she rubbed large circles over her back with her spare hand, hushing her as the redhead tried to sob between coughs, the bile burning the back of her throat horrendously as she started to cry.

 

Tears of fear. Tears of shock. Tears of pain. Tears of embarrassment. Tears of a million additional feeling she couldn’t place a name too.

 

She was never ill. She’d had the odd sickness bug before, as had, well, the majority of citizens in this world, but those were rare. She couldn’t remember the last time she was too unwell to go to school. For as long as she could remember, her sick days had been those where she was too sore from her mother’s abuse which came the odd time in a form besides words, too morose to attempt to hide a bruise. She suddenly remembered the pills and the jabs forced upon her at the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy. She still had no clue what they were, what their function was, or any details besides that myth that ‘they would make you all better’, but since this was, what, the third day out of there, she couldn’t help but wonder if it was that which had influenced the not-so-sudden nausea. After all, she’d had that effect in that... _asylum_.

 

Toni had played this role so many times before with the boys when they’d had too much to drink, but it was still so so different when the subject was more traumatic, more tragic, and not triggered by alcohol in the slightest. She could feel the taller girl tremble under her hands, every fibre in her body reacting to the incident in panic, mind now practically in shutdown mode.

 

The redhead wiped her mouth with her sleeve shakily. Toni bent down to her face, shielded by the curtain of red which had crept through the containment of her borrowed hoody, tried to meet her eyes as she studied her face but the other girl wouldn’t allow it, dodging every attempt, vision angled strictly at the battered leather or Toni’s boots and nothing else.

 

Cheryl didn’t want to move them away. Afraid that she’d see something she would really wish she hadn’t, anxious of the expression on Toni’s face, the fact that whatever expression she’d be wearing would be a result of her. She tried to focus on the details of the tarmac in the glow of the flickering streetlight. Maybe it would distract her. Ground her. Make the outlines of the world seem less indefinite, create some clarity, or whatever. Do something to her which would improve this situation drastically.

 

Because that was possible.

 

“Physically, do you feel okay?” She flinched slightly at the voice, tensed up if it were even possible to do that more, cowering away as an immediate reaction to even the softest, most trustworthy, most familiar voice she could have speaking to her. She went to nod but she couldn’t. She could barely move, the only thing possible to shake violently against the other girl. She glanced up for a second, catching the brunette’s chocolate brown eyes for the slightest moment, flashing them away quickly at the anxiety and pity she saw in those beautiful, caring orbs of hers, ashamed at the fact that she was the source of all of that pain...

 

“Okay, sweetie, shhh... just keep breathing... don’t talk, shhhh,” the shorter girl whispered softly into her ear with a shake of her head. She scanned her surroundings, spotting some concrete slabs placed conveniently at sitting height bext to the peeling wall of an old, run-down shop. She gripped the redhead’s shoulder softly, cringing at the way she flinched away momentarily. “Let’s go and sit down somewhere else. Just follow me, alright? And breathe, shhh... you’re okay. You’re alright.”

 

Toni guided the other girl over slowly, the redhead placing just enough trust in her that she’d get her there safetly on unstable legs which threatened to cave in at the knees with every single step they took. It was cold and she felt chills run through her thighs, shivering and nestling deeper into Toni, stealing every ounce of warmth radiating off her body, pulling herself closer and closer by the second until she was in her lap, head buried into her shoulder, dampening the other girl’s shirt with thick tears which came at an expeditious rate.

 

She was a safe haven to her. The oxygen she required to live. They oxygen she was struggling to take ownership of right now.

 

Toni sighed as another choked sob wracked the redhead’s body, wincing as Cheryl did the same. She shook her head, bit her lip, tried to steady her own heart rate, beating like the hooves of one hundred galloping horses. Not the elegant sort you’d picture along the beach, practically living unicorn lives or whatever. Instead, it reminded her of the Hessian Horseman’s horse in The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow (called Nightmare or something – wait, _no_ , it was _Daredevil_ , she thought to herself, or something like that anyway), only in its multiple form, running at her like death itself, or at least as a reminder of the horror of the present... no damned legend involved.

 

“Listen, Cher,” she took a deep breath, shaking her head and hoping that had the same effect as shaking away any thoughts which wouldn’t be of all that much use right now, turning her attention to one thing that mattered and that one thing only. She ran soft fingers through the stands of red once more, scratching at the other girl’s scalp soothingly. “I need you to just focus on my voice, yeah? Listen to what I’m saying. Don’t think about anything else, okay? I’m right here...”

 

The redhead swallowed the lump resident in her throat, her arms remained wrapped tightly around the other girl’s waist. She tried to focus on the rise and fall of the pink-haired girl’s chest, pretending that the heart rate wasn’t as high as it really was right now, doing everything she possibly could to try to ignore what had happened in that bar all those months ago, how that was doing this with her head right now...

 

But with every wholehearted attempt of that there was always going to be that repetitious thought of, _‘well, what am I trying not to think about?’_ , and everything would come flooding back, destroying the watergates as her whole body began to rack with sobs, crying out loudly she uncontrollably in emotional pain which just couldn’t be contained for a second longer.

 

She’d spent a lot of time crying these past few months. But right now? It was like the height of it all. All that grief she’d kept inside all this time, grief which she barely knew was even there, and it finally trying to escape at once...

 

She was _there_. She was there where her brother had died, above the place his dead body had been stored for so long. Where his blood still probably stained the flooring – she’d seen a crime documentary that one time (back when every video recommended to her on YouTube were either crime reports or depressing songs) where blood was detectable even cleaned up with some sort of camera or something. And she went there when she knew what had happened in the basement, seen it on video so that she had to believe it as fact... it felt like a massive betrayal to him. Not only him, but Toni as well. Toni, who had tried so hard to tell her that it wouldn’t be the idea of the century, tried to get her away from that place at last minutes. She had tried so hard to protect her, above everything else.

 

Toni felt panic rise in her chest at the way the sobs came out thick and fast, the way her breaths came out ragged and way beyond the other girl’s control. Even further beyond _her_ control.

 

“Come on, baby, shhh...”

 

Every word of hers was laced with worry and concern. She couldn’t help it. Toni could feel herself tearing up. She could fear herself becoming agitated. Above all, she felt herself worry more and more with every passing second, every shallow breath, and every heart-wrenching sob the redhead emitted...

 

She should call someone, she decided when things weren’t getting all that much better. But who? Who is going to pick up the phone at this time on a Saturday night? Pick you up at this time on a Saturday night? She wanted to call Veronica – the only person who knew the girl almost as well as she did, the one other person the redhead didn’t put all of her walls up to – but it was no use, considering how absolute little she could possibly do to help the situation, with that damned curfew set by her mother and father. Sweet Pea was still at the bar, most likely, wouldn’t hear his phone, had already had a couple of drinks, making him practically useless to this situation. Jughead and Betty? God knows what they were doing – most likely, each other – and in all fairness, they wouldn’t be of any use anyway. There was Fangs, the current only reliable option, but he couldn’t leave his own house tonight.

 

She’d shoot him a text in a few minutes. Let him know that they did need him tonight after all. Hope that his response would still be the same. Because he had to go back to work and–

 

_–God, she had to go back to work._

 

A lump formed in her throught at the idea. The thought of leaving her before had been bad enough, but right now, the redhead needed her. She was broken and hurting and having a horrible panic attack, and she too most definitely wouldn’t be dreaming of the brunette leaving right now.

 

She pushed the thought away, turning to focus on the more important task at hand as she continued to rub circles on the redhead’s back whilst she cried and cried, thick tears rolling down her cheeks as heavy, ugly sobs interfered with her attempts at gasping for air. She felt herself saying the same words over and over again, trying to keep her own breath steady through her own tears which threatened to fall as she listened to every heart-wrenching cry and shudder coming from the taller girl. Having taken off her serpent jacket, giving it to Cheryl as an extra layer of protection against the winter chill which still bit and bit, Toni felt herself gritting her teeth along with the harsh shivers which ran through her body, but she was adamant that wasn’t the only reason why she was shaking right now as well.

 

“T...”

 

Toni shook her head against the redhead’s body, whispering soft words of comfort into her ear. “No, sweetie, come on... don’t talk... just focus on your breathing, ‘kay?”

 

“Breathe in... and out... in... and out... you’re doing amazing... just follow me, okay?”

 

The redhead opened her mouth to try and gulp down that much-desired air, but she just coughed desperately instead, the coolness of the wind hitting the back of her throat harshly. She tried to

 

She was still crying softly against her chest, soaking Toni’s top with her tears and she was glad that she went with black because she knew that the mascara she’d lent for the night wasn’t waterproof and didn’t have a joy for coming out of clothing once stained. Much more than that, she was appreciative of the way her girlfriend has returned to a calm state. Still clearly on edge, as understandable putting everything into perspective, but her breathing was much streadier, the occasional sniffle escaping which was soon followed by another gentle reminder to breathe, that she was okay, that she was safe...

 

She’d been safe, sure. But Jason hadn’t been that time he went in that bar – not at all.

 

She could feel herself begin to spiral again, sitting up and rubbing her eyes in that way which made it seem like she was staring at stars, and she tried to ignore everything in her head which tried to relate that to the sparks of a smoking gun, shards of a bullet, the crackle of burning wood in the fireplace at the Pembrooke that day last October when she truly didn’t know how to live in this world anymore, not long after that the burning flames which engulfed the entire manor she one lived in...

 

She readjusted her position in Toni’s lap, shuffling to her left so that she was no longer buried with her whole front against the shorter girl’s chest, instead her head rested in the crook of her neck, arms wrapped around her neck with her legs over the other girl’s thighs, the pink-haired girl’s hand coming up to comfortingly rub up and down her upper arm, her right hand placed upon Cheryl’s clasped ones. Out of the corner of her eye she stared at the bar, biting the inside of her lip as she took note of the shade of the wooden exterior in the streetlights, reminisced about the shade of red of the fluorescent lights inside...

 

“Don’t look at it if you don’t want to,” she heard the other girl breathe. She shook her head in quiet disagreement, taking one last look of the building before angling her eyes back to in front of her, focusing her attention on the pink of the other girl’s hair, swallowing thickly.

 

“It hurts,” she whispered croakily after a short while. Toni cocked her head, furrowing her eyebrows in a way which could have said, ‘I know, I understand, but please elaborate on that if you can’. The redhead shook her head, biting down on her lip hard as she took another deep breath, followed by another, then another, and then _words_.

 

“I thought I was strong enough to overcome that part of my past, but that motorbike?” she swallowed hard, trying to get the damned sound well out of her head. “I knew that it wasn’t it, I really did, TT, but it took me right back...”

 

Back to _where_ , though?

 

Toni shook her head. “The bar was a trigger. You can’t ‘ _just get over it’_ like that. They don’t go.”

 

She’d been speaking from her heart when she’d said that. Cheryl could see that, heard it in the hoarseness and heaviness of her voice which sounded as if it had been laced with the rough sound of guilt. The redhead found herself staring at the scars on the other girl’s wrist. Since this morning in bed they had been all she’d been thinking about. In that moment, she wanted to ask about them, try and pretend that they weren’t what she thought them to be, but she couldn’t get the words out. Instead, she found herself taking her hand and running a thumb across them. Her arm was cold and covered in goosebumps, and they were barely visible in the darkness, but she couldn’t think about that for very long before it was pulled away from the reach of her fingertips, down to rest face down on her thigh.

 

So she wasn’t open about it. It made the redhead’s brow crease, and she tried not to think about it but it was so hard considering she herself had once done, once seen, once seriously considered, especially when she was with someone she cared about more than ever, who cared about _her_ more than anybody else, or at least she hoped so badly...

 

She had her walls, too. She had her baggage. She tried to keep them up, keep it locked away, hidden where nobody was supposed to find it, where nobody was supposed to even _imagine_ it, and thinking about it and all the questions surrounding the other girl was beginning to hurt not only her head but her heart.

 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

 

The words came out of nowhere, after minutes of silence, like a secret track in an album only the most patient could find. Apparently Toni had reached that stage, Cheryl thought, for whatever reason it may be.

 

“What, Cher?” Toni cocked a brow, a frown appearing on her features as she brushed loose hair behind her ear, her hood having completely fallen down at this point, hair turned loose and wild with the elements. She smoothed another area down. “What can’t you do?” she asked softly. The redhead just shook her head.

 

“I just can’t anymore, Toni,” Cheryl’s voice cracked as more tears threatened to overwhelm her once again, and quiet cries interwove themselves between words. She heard the brunette hush her softly, a small _‘breathe’_ whispered below her breath. “I _can’t_. It just all hurts so much. I’m damaged. I can’t be fixed.”

 

“Cher, listen to me,” Toni shook her head, placing her hand back upon Cheryl’s, taking away the other one which had ran consistently up and down her arm which was adorned by supple, worn black leather the entire time, and tucked it under her chin, lifting her face up oh so softly. She smiled, but her words came out firm, definite, and, above all, honest. “You’re beautiful. You’re the strongest person I know. You don’t deserve anything of this, not at all. You don’t deserve this pain. You got that?”

 

She nodded, sniffling. Her lungs were still burning, tears still falling and irritating the already reddened skin below her eyes. “I just want to go home, Toni,” she sniffled eventually. “I’m tired and I’m really cold, and I just want to go home and go to sleep and to try to forget about all of this for a little while...”

 

Toni chewed at her lip, shaking her head apologetically as she placed another reassuring kiss upon the redhead’s brow. “Would Fangs’ trailer pass as ‘home’, by any chance, Cher? Please say yes... just for a few hours.”

 

She shut her eyes, leaned into the other girl’s touch.

 

“I know that it’s a different place, a different situation; all of that, really,” she continued with a certain level of calmness in her voice which practically lulled Cheryl into, ignoring the way she was putting on her own act of coolness, “but you know Fangs. It’s practically the same there as Sweet Pea’s. It’s safe.”

 

“You wanted me to go there in the first place,” Cheryl murmured in reminisce. The brunette could only offer a sad smile and nod. The redhead sighed against the brunette’s neck, warm breath tickling her skin. “I should have just listened to you in the first place.”

 

“Everything happens for a reason, I guess,” Toni only shrugged sadly. “I’m just okay if you’re okay.” She felt Cheryl shiver against her when she’d been feeling for the nod of conformation, leaning further into whatever warmth there was left to be radiated. Quietly, she uttered a ‘come on’ with a hand up from her position onto slightly stronger legs, still weak like Bambi on ice but trying as she could. She felt lonely, and sore, and broken, alongside numerous other feels she didn’t want to place a name to, but hand in and with the brunette she felt okay; and years all she needed in this word. Her. Her, and her heart, and her body and her soul.

 

“Come on,” she whispered against the other girl’s hair, “you’re safe.”

 

And for the first time in a long time, she could really believe that she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello how are youuu? Kinda long chapter, signing off was hard, my phone gave me a heart attack every time I tried to save this, but I think we’re okay. I went to a bonfire tonight and my eyes feel so awful from the smoke and heat... Anyways, enjoy this chapter, leave a nice comment and I’ll be back soon if I continue to ignore this massive amount of coursework due in within the next two weeks for much longer!


	17. Chapter 16

She couldn’t just leave her.

She had tried to. Several times now, she had sat up, tried to get off the bed and walk away, but she’d end up in the same spot just seconds later. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it was most likely reaching almost an hour now, if not later than that. Work was going to kill her. That idea made her just begin to cry a bit more. She couldn’t deal with that right now.

They were at Fangs’ now, on his mother’s double bed which he had assured her was free to them since she wouldn’t be back until maybe even the afternoon tomorrow. Cheryl had all but collapsed against her those last few yards before they got there, heavy cries wracking her body once again, not as bad a last time. But what was that expressing when the whole thing had been terrible in the first place? Everything was just one huge mess, one so hard to tidy up, so much awful stuff cluttering up the other girl’s head with nowhere to dispose of it rationally.

The redhead had managed to cry herself to sleep after ten minutes of gentle encouragement through the softest of whispers on Toni’s behalf, truly and utterly exhausted by everything. Every so often the shorter girl would place a finger on her pulse point, praying for a lower heart rate, breathing that same quiet sigh of relief when it had lowered the minuscule amount since the last time she’d checked.

She could hear Fangs in the other room, the two eldest of his younger brothers arguing over something censored out by the door between them, which had been followed by a knock on the door, and then more familiarly sounding mumbles between them. 

She shut her eyes, tried to block everything out, but that only lasted until there was another muffled knock, this time on the hollow bedroom door. She placed her head on her forearm, resting her chin there like one of the sad dogs on Christmas cards and yearly calendars and cushions and whatever, not giving an answer, knowing full well that the one she may have given wouldn’t be acknowledged anyway...

“Fangs called me to say you were here.”

She opened her eyes a little but didn’t shift in her spot. The door was now wide open, letting in the light from the other room, the only thing partially blocking it being his massive figure which was stood directly in front of the source.

“Did he?” she muttered monotonously, putting extra effort into making in clear that she wasn’t up to a conversion right now. Sweet Pea just shook his head, scoffing at whatever thoughts were apparently occupying his mind at that specific moment.

“It wasn’t that hard to figure out. I was already on my way when he blew me a text,” he shrugged. He stared down at his hand for a short while, inspecting the dust underneath his fingernails, before looking up with a conflicted expression on his face. “They’re not being light tonight, Tiny. I tried to replace you but they said they needed somebody more experienced.” Toni sniffled, barely looking up as she ran a soft hand over Cheryl’s shoulder. She wanted to cry. Break down. Going back to work after all this was unimaginable. She just wanted to stay, and be there for her girlfriend, after she’d had nobody for so long and they’d been separated for so long. The taller boy’s expression softened as he noticed his best friend’s face start to crumple, shifting in his stance as a ran a hand through his hair, unsure of what to do. At loss, he managed to find himself nodding in the direction the redhead. “She okay?” 

She shrugged sadly, brushing a strand of red back from her eyes as she forced a weak smile which turned out to be more of a grimace. “I think her being overexhausted didn’t help the situation.”

He wandered further into the room, leaning against the frame of the bed. “Yeah, she was awake when I got up,” he murmured.

“She said had another nightmare last night,” the pink-haired girl winced as she sat up a bit, eyes veering away from the redhead in front of her to look up at the taller boy. She swallowed, hoping that it would steady her voice. It didn’t completely, the occasional waver cutting through the quiet words. “I don’t want to leave her. It’s not right for me to.” Toni bit down hard upon her chapped lip, trying to keep off the anger in her tone as she spat out the words venomously. “Why do they need me back? The bar was okay tonight; I’ve managed worse on my own.” Sweet Pea could only sigh.

“I know, T, I tried to get you some leverage, but they just said no,” he said sympathetically, which really sounded weird when she put his huge frame, muscular structure and usual bad mood into perspective. It was only really Fangs, her and his family who knew he ‘real’ Sweet Pea. The one who cared about his best friends more than anything (well, not _quite_ as much as his pride, but he wasn’t far off in that either). “Let’s think of it this way. Hog Eye’s managing. Put a word in, and he’ll probably let you go early. He’s not Byrdie.”

“God forbid, if it were Byrdie tonight I’d either never be leaving or neveur be going back,” Toni rolled her eyes before turning back to focus on the redhead, finally fast asleep and curled into her arms which held her tightly against her waist. Even after she’d calmed down from her panic attack, breath steadier than it had been and that being all but enough given the situation, it had taken a good twenty minutes to relax her enough to rest. That had been the best solution the pink-haired girl could have thought off at that point – to stop her thinking, or at least hope it would considering her track record of sleepless and disturbed nights recently when perhaps throughout then entire duration of her lifetime. Honestly, now that she was in a peaceful minded the serpent was fearing what would happen when she did leave her to go back to her shift. What if she woke up, frightened and lost as to where she was, terrified that she’d been taken back to the Sisters or some other ghoulish place? Of course, Fangs was there, but still...

“... that bike was like nothing I’d ever heard before, Tiny,” she heard the other boy say suddenly, missing half of the previous sentence from being too lost in her thoughts. She closed her eyes, shaking her head sadly as a sole tear ran down her cheek. 

“I should have never let her go in there,” she choked out, struggling to keep her voice steady and her hands from shaking as they drew gentle patterns over porcelain skin. “It’s triggering enough without that. Considering what happened to her brother... in that building... directly below the floor she was stood on...”

“That girl is as strong willed as you, Tiny. You really think she would have let you say no?”

“She was hurting and I let her go to probably one of the most triggering places ever for her – besides _nun world_ of course,” she choked out. She couldn’t keep her voice steady, the lump in her throat was starting to build up to an unbearable level, and she was putting a good ninety percent of everything into not breaking down about what had happened in the past hour right there and then. She tried to breathe in through her nose, feeling tears begin to well up in and sting her eyes, heart rate begin to speed up as she did everything she could to keep her voice steady, keep herself from crying...

“Anything and everything can be a trigger, Toni. You can’t get rid of them like that.”

The serpent just shook her head sadly, slumping back down in her position, resting more on her upper arm than her elbow now. She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to think about what would probably about be said to her right now. She couldn’t. _This_ was the present. _That_ was the past. The difference was that the latter was so insignificant to the current issue at stake... 

“Remember how you wouldn’t let me take painkillers for my arm that time I broke it when we were like thirteen or something, because of your mom?” 

Her _mom_. The word stabbed her like a knife; a knife which kept twisting and twisting cruelly, making it so hard not to cave in, break down. She shook her head slowly, pinching her eyes shut as she tried to get the image out of her mind, the memory of that day far, far away, whispering a quiet ‘no’ as her voice threatened and threatened her, trying to collect herself, but it wasn’t working, it _wouldn’t_ work, she tried to make it work but fate was so against her and... 

“I didn’t understand at that age... I thought it was just one which was enough to...” She trailed off, gritting her teeth at the idea of what she was about to say, what was at least implied. She bit the inside of her cheek, feeling rage rush through her veins for a short moment, clenching her fist. She tried to sound angered but it just wasn’t going to work, she knew that, and instead sighed as she stared back up at the taller boy sadly. “Why are you bringing that up right now? It’s not even relevant to any of this.”

“You’re trying to get rid of the triggers. I thought you’d have recognised by this point that you can’t do that.”

It clicked. Everything clicked in place and she was beginning to regret taking those razors on Wednesday night (or perhaps Thursday morning?) from the bathroom cabinet, because of course the taller boy would notice and consequently become suspicious, arising conversations like this which just weren’t relevant right now–

_“Stop,”_ the pink-haired girl forced out through gritted teeth. Sweet Pea only proceeded to shake his head once again, wandering over to the other side of the room to inspect some fake flowers on the bedside table.

“It’s true. You just don’t want to hear it.”

“I don’t really want to talk about the stupid things I did when I was fourteen, thank you very much, considering the more important issues at stake,” she snapped. The taller boy shook his head again before speaking clearly and firmly.

“Let’s be honest, Topaz, they were stupid things you did at _fifteen_ as well,” she growled at him, teeth bared through frustration and grief and the inability to do much else. “Does _she_ know about that?”

“Maybe.”

“She didn’t say something?”

“I didn’t give her the chance...” 

“You gonna tell her?” 

“Some point,” she muttered with a small shrug. She stared down at her bare wrist, scanning over the millions of marks which had merged into one big discoloured patch. A constant reminder of everything the past had brought her. Something she couldn’t forget about, no matter how hard she tried, walking around with it practically tattooed on her eyelids.

“Tiny...”

She hadn’t realised that she was crying all over again. Quiet sobs escaping her, god knows how they weren’t at a higher volume but she was grateful for it regardless. The only thing she could do was crawl closer into Cheryl’s back as she mentally apologised to the girl for ever feeling that way, because if she hadn’t decided otherwise this beautiful girl in front of her would still be stuck in the unhappiest life imaginable and she never would have met her in the first place. She swallowed hard, tightening the embrace like a child who’d lost their parents in a superstore and had been reunited.

And she didn’t want to let go. Because the last time she had, her mother–

She couldn’t help herself form sobbing into the fabric of the redhead’s back... the mere idea of never meeting her in the first place, not to mention never seeing her ever again... it _killed_ like nothing she’d ever experienced in the previous sixteen years of her life.

She only stopped when she felt a large hand shaking her shoulder gently, angling her eyes upwards to meet Sweet Pea’s face; even leant down a little he was still a good three and a half feet above her at the least. God, he was such a huge build, but had the heart of an angel, the loyalty to his closest friends of a labrador. He could break a man’s neck with a single hand if he tried, but he’d also opened up his home to a stranger who needed help just a couple of days and helped rebuild her broken heart some couples of years prior to that... 

“I’m sorry, but we have to go,” she made out despite the overpowering headache making her heart beat hard in her ear drums. “It’s been over an hour since you left, they’re gonna be pissed.”

That’s just what she needed, wasn’t it? Someone to make her feel worse about leaving, disappearing, and then her linking that to fade out into those thoughts of leaving _her_ , disappearing from _her_ side, taking that comfort away from _her_ when the other girl needed it _so much,_ and she just couldn’t bear the mere thought of removing herself from her side.

_Time._ It just passed so quickly, and how often did you sit down and think about the way that it would only ever be that exact date, hour, minute, second, or whatever, once in this world? Life was just a constant cycle of looking forward to better days, thinking about deadlines in dread rather than making better use of that moment than that.

She could barely consider what time it was, but as she tried to get up she couldn’t help but think about how every passing second was one more second closer to leaving her and– she shuddered.

At least it also meant that with every passing, she was one second closer to seeing her at the end of the night when all was said and done.

Toni threw her legs off the mattress and shuffled to the edge of her bed before padding those few steps across the stained carpet before kneeling level to the redhead’s sleeping face, a few strands of hair getting in her eyes and hands tucked in fists close to her chest, scrunched around the thin grey throw Toni had placed over her in attempt to keep her warm without the weight of a thicker duvet weighing down claustrophically on her body.

“Hey,” Toni reached her arm out to shake Cheryl’s shoulder tentatively as she whispered softly. “Hey, baby. Shh, it’s just me.”

The redhead moaned sleepily as she arose, opening her eyes slowly. They were red and raw, sad, both haunted and _haunting_ , and she just want to break apart into one million pieces when she notice how her pupils shoot in all different directions, body still trembling – minimally, but trembling so. Toni drew a breath, offered a small smile, and began to rub up and down the boggled and stained black fabric of the old hoody covering her upper arm only just firmly enough to give her pressure, which would only come with comfort and reassurance. She blinked sleepily as she adjusted to the different level of light of the room, rubbing her scrunched up eyes as she tried to readjust her position on the uncomfortable mattress. 

“Hey, sorry I woke you up. You can go back to sleep in just a sec... you must be exhausted...” the darker skinned girl trailed off as she tried her best not to focus on the way the redhead gripped her hand instantaneously, putting everything she could into not sounding as if she’d spent the past half hour quietly crying as she held she other in her arms. She shook away her thoughts, swallowing hard. “I have to go back to work now. I don’t want to, but...”

“S’okay,” the redhead murmured as she closed her eyes again, voice thick with sleep. The brunette nodded up and down, turning the corners of one of her lips up into a wonky smile.

“If you need anything – food, water, another layer of clothing – anything, Cher, Fangs is right through that doorway.”

There’s a muffled whimper which escapes her lips which were forever stained that rich cherry shade of red even without that effort of make up concerned, which sounded like an ‘okay’, a subtle gesture only describable as a nod adjoining on from that. 

“I’ll be back soon,” Toni nodded as she reassured the girl softly, wiping a tear which had slipped down her own left cheek, “I promise. Just get some rest, okay? I love you so much. Remember that, alright, m’love?”

She placed two tentative kisses upon the redhead’s pale skin, them lingering there upon her forehead for a few seconds, unwilling to move even an inch. She felt Sweet Pea tap her shoulder likely, and only felt inclined to move from the set spot when she door creaked open a little more, the light it offered soon being blocked by Fangs who was stood between the frame. Her knees shook horrendously and she felt a brief wave of nausea wash over her as she licked her lips and gritted her teeth to try and ground herself.

She tried to ignore the way that she pushed Fangs out of the way. Pretended that she hadn’t slammed the front door when leaving. Struggled to get the urgency to scream out of her system in a more rational way. Couldn’t help the tears from falling as she dug her nails into her arm, tugging down harshly over and over as she tried to keep that sob from fall between her lips.

She tried to focus on the way that every passing second meant that she was one second closer to being back home. But every second felt like a century long, and there were a good eight thousand seconds left to go before she could see her again. She tried to ignore Sweet Pea’s voice calling after her and heavy footfalls coming closer at an increasingly quickening rate. But she couldn’t feel anything, body number with shame and frustration. Couldn’t _do_ anything apart from keep walking away as she tried to wipe the tears of guilt from her face for what felt like the hundredth time in this week alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjourno! Bit of a Toni-centric chapter there, more of what’s going on with that in the next two chapter. And look! Managed to meet the 50K words mark, which is an achievement for me considering my writing hiatus’ being worse than Riverdale’s, LMAO. Just want to say a massive thank you to all my readers. Some of your comments on my last chapter just made me want to cry with how complimentary you were and I’m so in love with you all, so please keep doing what you’re doing and I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!


	18. Chapter 17

“ _Please_ just calm down, Toni.”

Her hands were trembling as she poured the taller boy another beer from the tap. Her head was whirring with frustration and she just felt so dizzied by it all. She’d been back behind the bar for a good forty minutes now and, just as she had anticipated, every second was dragging like a painful lesson, the clock never seeming to move whenever she glanced up at it. She couldn’t help control the panic rising in her and she felt so sick to her stomach about everything. About this absolute _shit_ which kept taking place in the redhead’s life for whatever reason. About her overwhelming lack of ability to do anything to help her.

“You freaking out isn’t going to help her very much, y’know, T,” he sighed, taking a sip of the cheap and bitter liquid which left a moustache of white foam above his upper lip. They were the only moustaches the serpent had ever seen himself to have, even from a young boy. 

_They were so different then,_ Toni thought to herself as she closed her eyes melancholically. At seven years old there hadn’t been much to lose, other than the odd football over a fence or just themselves in Fox Forest whenever they’d dared to venture that far away from home.

They were pretty much given free rein. That was probably the main benefits of growing up poor. Their parents would be working too many hours to notice them missing r a substantial amount of time, and they kind of already knew about what – or _who_ – could be lurking on the streets but didn’t particularly care. At least, they didn’t care as much as northside kids would, courtesy of their mothers’ moral panics inflicted upon their _lives_ too.

She suspected that the Blossoms were one of those families who wouldn’t get their kids out of their sights. Of course – not because they cared, but because they probably wouldn’t stand the thought of their precious little redheaded children wandering into the wrong neighbourhood, mixing with the people who didn’t quite live up to their pristine standards.

Of course, Toni as her child self wasn’t exactly allowed to go that far from home, but she did.

“Aren’t there any other girls you’d rather be friends with?” the brunette’s mother had sighed at her one day when she’d come home from her ‘adventures’ – what was this, a less-tragic, real-life, mid-2000s version of _‘Bridge To Terabithia’_? – covered in scrapes and caked-on mud and bruises from whatever the hell she’d just so happened to be up to on that day. She’d simply replied ‘no’, every single time, going on to say how the boys were her best friends and nothing about that would ever change.

Well, she hadn’t exactly been _wrong_... not in the slight–

_“Are you even listening to me, Toni?”_

She shorter girl sighed, blinking at the familiar face in front of her, so different from all those years before in photos yet identical to what her younger self had seen of him. She really hadn’t noticed him grow from maybe three or four inches taller than her to a whole foot, towering over her shorter build which hadn’t grown all that much more than that since.

“I _am_ , Sweets,” she nods, biting her lip as she squeaks that out quietly, _painfully_.

Everything hurts so horrendously, the sting on her skin scratched until it revealed raw layers and blood in parts less so now than the hollowness of her heart, but stinging still.

“Stop blaming yourself for what happened. It’s not you’re fault.”

She’s too exhausted to argue. She just wants to go home, fall asleep, and forget all about this ever happening...

She just nods, regardless of how her opinion differs from that, and bites down harder to keep the tears from falling. The blonde middle-aged woman she’s so unfortunate to share the bar with at this moment had been rolling her eyes at her ever since she had arrived back at work, frowning at the brunette’s slightly puffy eyes with a slight, barely audible scoff. She could only tell that she hadn’t been imagining that when Sweet Pea glared at her.

“You don’t have anywhere better to be?” she says nasally to him, voice even then hoarse from probably decades of twenty cigarettes daily, which have definitely made her age a lot worse than she was probably should have. The 6’2” figure scoffs, shaking his head with a shrug, unfortunately enough for him that not being enough to receive an interesting enough reaction. Byrdie sighed once again, prowling over to the other edge of the bar with a sniff. Toni put her forehead down in her hands, groaning as she closed her eyes in despair, willing more tears away as she tried to inhale deeply, tried to steady her slightly trembling fingers. She only looked up when she felt Sweet Pea’s had nudge her wrist.

“And we were only talking about that an hour or so ago,” he frowned as the shorter girl pulled away and wandered to the back of the bar towards the oak shelves of various scratched glasses, pulling one down and running a finger over the slightly chipped and knackered.

“Old habits die hard, I suppose.”

“You’re trying to be strong for her but nobody can do that. Give yourself a break for once, Tiny!”

“You and I have different definitions of the word ‘break’, or so it seems,” she quicks an eyebrow at him, “Yours is go for a night out, smoke, drink, play video games, pool... _whatever_.”

“That’s just my weekly schedule, Tiny; _you_ should know that by now,” he took another sip of his beer. “And you don’t ever seem to have a break.”

“Maybe I have somewhere to get in life,” she shrugs. “I want to do my parents proud. Go to college – or at least study online or something like that. I don’t want to end up in prison for some stupid street crime or whatever.”

“I told you, like, ten years ago, that you were too nice to be in a gang,” the taller boy held his beer up sluggishly, voice gruff and similar to those of the various middle-aged serpents scattered around the barely-full, dimly-lit room participating in similar acts, the occasional laugh roaring above the old Nickelback songs playing through the equally ageing speakers much in need for replacement onstage, to which Toni had learned all the words to at this stage. Old albums her father had listened to, which she’d taken from the bookshelf apartment that time she was asked to put everything her eleven year old self had wanted to keep into a bin bag, everything else probably sold off or something, and even though Spotify had since replaced her uncle’s bashed-up CD player she’d still held on to the scratched disks in those shattering plastic cases.

“I still kinda think that, Tiny,” he continues, stirring the shorter girl from her morbid thoughts and back to painful present-day reality. “But you’re doing us good, y’know. At least you’re sensible. I’d be in juvie with a ten-times sentence or whatever if it weren’t for you stopping me and Fangs from doing shit we shouldn’t be doing.”

“You’re drunk,” she snapped.

“You’ve served me only, like, two beers tonight, Tiny, I don’t think _that_ can send me over so easy.”

“It’s true, though,” he adds on after a while, either not intimidated by the death glare she was giving him at all or just ignoring it altogether.

“Whatever,” she growled. He slammed his glass down on the bar.

“You’re job as counsellor had been well served, T, and of course it’s probably going to continue on for a decade; or several, “he continues loudly, rowdily, but still failing to intimate the other girl into submitting to what her best friend was saying. “Now you have to let someone in. Because you’re giving more than you take. You need somebody, too, Topaz. And what’s why you’re so anti it.”

She _was_ anti it – that was true, one thing’s for sure.

_But,_ she admitted to herself, _it wasn’t a exactly lie, though._

And right there and then, Toni just wanted what she’d been giving _so_ flawlessly, _so_ unconditionally for _so_ long.

**xxx**

It was dark, but there was enough warm light peeking in from the other room through the crack Toni had left in the doorway when she had been leaving for it to be comfortable.

She’s slept in the dark for most of her life, perfectly fine as well to add, but that didn’t really matter anymore. Ever since Claudius had pronounced his residency at Thistle House, heavy footsteps which could only belong to him haunting the already-haunted hallways, she’d slept roughly with the bedside laps on, since she couldn’t open the door in fear of what could or would enter, what could or would happen. At the Sisters she had slept (barely, to add that on) in that cold metal box in complete pitch black, completely unable to see her own hands in front of her. The darkness had been so suffocating, the sensation a reminder of that time at Sweetwater River, and most of the nights she’d sit awake shaking and shivering, terrified of what lay bare in that godforsaken house, too scared to cry in fear of what would wipe away her tears, what would come if she did...

She had just sat and suffered at the grabbing hands of that neverending nightmare, a bundle of nerves, sick to her stomach with how wound up she’d made herself... how much she had wished that she was dead, how she hadn’t been pulled out of the river that day by Archie, his breaths bringing her back to life, made her cough up all that icy river water from her lungs, taken back to the Pembrooke by Veronica and wrapped in a blanket and given hot chocolate and–

But she wouldn’t have met Toni if that had been the case, would’ve she?

Suddenly the duvet atop of her felt too heavy, she felt too hot and she needed to loose that layer. She reached over to grab the half-empty glass of water on the bedside table, feeling around for the cold cylinder and bringing it to her cheek to try and lower her temperature and soothe the reddening skin of the dark bags under her eyes. Draining the cool substance, she placed the glass back down on the wooden surface and lay herself back down on the mattress, trying to piece together everything which had happened.

What _had_ happened, though? It was all one huge mess, everything in her eyeline that night blurred by tears, too many things to process which she didn’t _want_ to process. She could feel panic rising in her chest yet again and she grabbed the sheets below to ground herself, tried to breathe the way in which Toni would always help her to, racking her brain for the memory of her quiet, calming voice in those two recent situations.

_“You don’t deserve this.”_

_No,_ Cheryl thought to herself, she _did_ deserve this. Nobody was treated this way because they simply could be. This may have been _her_ normal but it wasn’t _the_ normal.

_Maybe she was deviant, after all..._

But then, _no_. She _wasn’t_. Toni had told her she wasn’t, and maybe she had really believed that. Maybe her words had the strength a million others couldn’t as one.

She tossed and turned in the sheets, almost as if one voice was telling her one thing and the other was saying another and they were tugging against each other, pulling her towards one idea and that idea losing the strength it had a second before and her turning to the other idea. She’d never been indecisive like this. Not ever. She’d always had one path, one opinion, and she had stuck to it with little deviation in its course.

Quickly, she shot up in bed. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. She wasn’t getting anywhere in this battle with herself. More than anything, she felt lonely. She couldn’t be laid in bed like this if Toni wasn’t there by her side, she had decided. It felt cold. Empty. Maybe it was just for that one night that she was feeling extra on-edge, considering, well, everything, panic attack included, the mere thought of that making her shiver and her heart race. She swallowed hard – _painfully_ – as she pushed her legs over the side of the mattress, toes only just touching the floor as she put her head in her hands, willing away the throbbing headache which had probably been brought on by her otherthinking _every little thing_. 

_For God’s sake, why was she such a fucking mess?_

She’s cautious when she tries to stand. She feels so numb, mentally and physically exhausted from the events of the night and still too soon into recovery to channel much into rational thought, and she’s admittedly scared that her knees will go beneath her and she’ll fall on the floor, but she somehow managed to find the strength to pull her up with the bedpost at the end of the bed after a certain amount of shuffling in that direction. She can feel her blood flowing in her ears with the effort, her breathing becoming heavier and she feels somewhat _more_ nauseous than she had previously. 

Yet, somehow, her legs are strong enough to hold her weight, and she begins to doubt whether her physical strength and mental strength are even different things, because everything always feels so much harder after things like... well, what had just happened.

Quietly and steady, she walks towards the crack of light in the doorway with miniature steps, barely even one foot in front of the other, reaching for the wall as something to lean on.

She stops at the doorway, listening ear against the thin piece of what was essentially cardboard to the conversation going on in the other room, to which she couldn’t hear all that much. Muffled words. At least two voices. She recognised Fangs’, but not the others... it sounded like Fangs – only somehow, and by what she had heard of him anyway – but not quite. She brought her palm up to the cold brass handle, stoking a thumb against the rough edges, and tried to inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale...

With a grand old _“fuck it”_ the redhead pulled the handle towards her, squinting at the light she was hit with like how she would squint when her mother used to come in to force her up in those mornings she couldn’t bring herself to crawl out from the mass amount of quilts and duvets she was curled under by drawing all of the curtains in her bedroom, letting the light flood in. Even the day after her father had... left them... there she had been, hiding under her duvet with eyes raw from crying all night about everything, begging her mother not to wake her up – or, at least not wake her up in that same way as usual, as if nothing had ever even happened, as if the insensitive witch herself wasn’t affected at all by the reveal of her husband being not only a murderer, but a cowardice, _dead_ murderer.

_“Hi.”_

She flinched at the voice coming from perhaps several metres up ahead from her, a quiet yelp of surprise escaping her as she scanned the room, the blurs affecting in her vision slowly coming together as one clear image.

The room was only a tiny bit bigger than Sweet Pea’s living quarters, the kitchen units against one wall instead of as a separate room, making space for three couches and a slightly larger television set against the wall. It was way more modern than the tallest of the serpent’s house, walls painted a cocoa sort-of colour with crisp white skirting boards, the kitchen looking a little more dated but good quality still. She figured that she’d walked through here to get to the back room she’d been asleep in merely a couple of minutes ago, but apparently she’d been so distraught at that point that she hadn’t taken much notice of where she was treated, face in her hands leaving almost her whole trust up to Toni to guide her wherever she needed to go. Her eyes adjusted from the mild daze to notice Fangs stood leant against the back of the leather black sofa closest to her, a friendly smile of his face. She tried to offer him one back, but she was just so _tired_... she didn’t know how she felt about _anything_ anymore and...

“You sit down,” she heard him instruct with a sympathetic tone in the midst of staring at the exact pattern of his plaid shirt, before stepping forward – one foot in front of the other, her left and then her right one, small and slow steps which she had to put every bit of physical and mental effort into, repeating and repeating until she could sit down on the other side.

God, what was wrong with her? Everything ached and she was beginning to feel so sick and dizzy...

“You like hot chocolate, by any chance?”

Cheryl paused for a long second before nodding slowly, wincing at the ache from the recent constant tension, body apparently frozen at every joint which was making everything so much harder than it should have been.

She _did_ like hot chocolate, admittedly. Well, she had a love-hate relationship with it. It reminded her of the night of the Jubilee and the night of the Open House, the aroma of cocoa a distraction from the bitter tastes of river water and drugged-up champagne, how comforting and warm the sweet substance was and how it made her drowsy enough to sleep peacefully for a little while at the least – some momentary form of release from the clutches of cruel thoughts and horrifying memories.

“Forewarning, it’s nothing fancy. Just some instant stuff my mom gets us. But we do have spray cream if you want, I guess,” the serpent shrugged as he grabbed a pan from under a counter, filling it with water from the tap.

And, as anticipated both by her and her girlfriend’s best friend, she had tasted far better hot chocolate in her lifetime. But – _still_ – it was good enough. Rustic, arguably. The cheapest out there, most of the savoured powder refusing to dissolve in the water which apparently didn’t really want to heat up beyond just over lukewarm, and it didn’t taste at all like the hot chocolate _she_ knew – in actual fact, there wasn’t too much of a taste at all – but it was accompanied by care and effort dedicated towards her by almost a complete stranger, and that made up for it.

“How many brothers do you have?” the redhead asked after a while, voice still croaky from all those tears she’d shed earlier, words uttered slowly and hesitantly, unsure sure whether or not to contribute towards a conversation or appreciate the silence.

“Five,” he shrugs, “they’re annoying at hell.”

“You’re not meant to use that word,” Cheryl’s ears pricked in the direction of one of the other bedrooms. “ _Mom_ doesn’t like it.”

“Which word? ‘Annoying’?” Fangs smirked, shaking his head.

“No,” the younger child shouted. “‘Help’ with two ‘Ls’!” Cheryl couldn’t help but laugh in unison with the almost-stranger at the description.

“Well, she’s not here right now, and I’m in charge, so it’s ‘my trailer, my rules’ until tomorrow morning,” the older boy called back, earning a smile from the redhead when he rose his eyebrows in amusement at the situation. She sighed. 

“That your girlfriend?” another voice called – slightly older than the previous, but much younger than them still by at least five years, judging by the tone alone. Cheryl rolled her eyes, and giggled. 

_“No!”_  

“Well, you’re boring!”

“What are you to say that, Joe, it’s not like you’ve ever been with anybody, my friend.”

_“Shut up!”_  

“ _You_ shut up?” he groaned in frustration, settling himself down on the opposite corner of the couch to her. She shifted, shoulders still tense but she felt like she could breathe freely. If only that’s were so easy.

_He’s Toni’s best friend. He’s an ally. He’s let you into his house, he’s given you some crappy hot chocolate, so be the fuck grateful, for crying out loud!_

“I never thought I’d say this,” the redhead quietly laughed to herself at the thought after a couple of minutes of sipping the hot drink in silence, “but thank you, I guess, for bailing on Toni that night you were supposed to be seeing _‘Love Simon’_ together those few weeks ago?”

Fangs’ face fell in confusion before realisation spread across, him going on to roll his eyes with a shaking head. 

“She really told you that?”

“It got me to listen to her, I guess,” Cheryl shrugged. “Nothing else has been. I was scared that sh–” the redhead cut herself off quickly with the quick shake of her head, praying to every deity out there that she wouldn’t be further questioned. “Just... I always do that when someone says something about – I don’t know what you’d call it – abandonment? Betrayal?” she shrugged, eyes falling to the steaming mug in her lap in embarrassment. “That cruel emotion called empathy, or some shit like that,” she muttered with a slight scoff. Fangs sighed, tapping the china mug with his fingernail to some annoying, made-up tune.

“You know, from what she’s said I think you have a lot more in common than you know of right now.”

The redhead furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “Like what?”

“Not my story to tell, I guess,” the other boy shrugged, shaking his head at some distant thought. “Family is kind of a sore topic for her and–”

The redhead nodded, interrupting him with a loud sigh. “I’ve worked that out a little,” she admitted in reminiscences of all those times she’d been laid in bed these few days, awake and wondering why Toni had never mentioned her parents, why she didn’t seem to had a set address, and why she spoke about her uncle with that distasteful tone. “That’s what you do when you’re lonely and... well, sort of just _depressed_ , I guess?” she almost queried herself, voice only just loud enough not to crack with the emotion which dared to flood through. “You try to decipher _every little thin_ g. Work out what it all means when someone says or does something in a certain way. Have done for years, now. It’s the same with TV shows and books and movies, too.”

The other boy simply stared at her blankly, nodding as she spoke to let her know that he was listening, validating ever word which fell out of her mouth with such emotion, saying nothing himself. 

It was nice, the redhead decided. There was always something so nice about speaking to someone who was almost a complete stranger – or, at least, a friend to a friend There was nothing to lose. No past memories to add on to every single word being said. But, most of all, just talking, ranting, or _whatever_ after all these years? It felt _so good_ to get everything out of the system, let it go, or whatever else it was describable as.

“So, how long have you know each other?” the redhead asked after a few moments of silence, the only sound audible in the room being the boiling of water on the gas hob in the small kitchen. Fangs frowned in thought, squinting as he seemingly tried to add something up in his head.

“Since we were four or five,” he eventually said. “We lived in the same block of apartments until we moved here a couple of years later. Three doors down. We kinda just started playing together one day, y’know how kids do when they find somebody their age, and we’ve been, like, best friends ever since. Gotten each other through the good, the bad, and the ugly.”

“Has she always been this nice?” the redhead queried suddenly. The other boy frowned, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t get how someone like her can be in a gang? She’s too–”

“Caring?” he finished. The redhead nodded. “Yeah, actually. But she has a stomach. Morals. Loyalty. Responsibility. I can’t remember a single time where she’s shown us to shame; probably because there’s never _been_ a time like that.”

The redhead stared as he sighed, looking her straight in the eyes before she could escape. “I’m sure Sweet Pea’s already lectured you in this...” he smirked. “But if anybody hurts Tiny, there is hell to pay. She’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember.”

The redhead nodded up and down, despite how ridiculous it sounded, and how obvious everything was. But she needed to get on the good side of the boys if she was going to have anything to do with this, and that meant doing things which friends did. And she wanted this. She wanted it so desperately. Needed it.

So she would. 

_Whatever it takes._  

“But why _did_ you bail on her that one time?”

**xxx**

Seconds passed as minutes and mjnjtes lassed as hours, and with every lagging tick of the old, broken clock the pink-haired girl had been slowly going even madder, in both definitions of the emotion.

Until, eventually, she’d been let out at 11:34pm, twenty-five and some fraction minutes before the official end of her shift.

“You going home yet?” she called to the taller boy as she pulled out her phone, shooting Fangs a quick text to let her know that she was heading off whilst keeping her eyes on Sweet Pea who was sat with a couple of the other serpents, her thumbs trained to manoeuvre around the keypad from mere muscle memory.

“Nah. Staying until they kick us out.”

Toni groaned, rolling her eyes as she turned around, no words left to say.

“You gonna be okay walking back alone?”

“I’m sixteen years old. I’ve spent at least three dozen nights wandering the streets alone, many of them two years ago, so I _think_ that I’ll be okay.” She almost found the effort to snap, but the words came out monotonous instead.

She heard something else being called after her, but her legs were already moving towards the exit, and it had been _too long_ , _too_ many hours ago that’s she’d last been with where she was heading. She breathed. She ran a finger down her wrist. She felt tears begin to prick her eyes and her chest ache as she tried so hard to contain them.

_May as well keep them in now,_ she told herself, _since they’re inevitably going to fall at some other point this night, if not many_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wrote a lot of this out of the blue, hoping that if I wrote it now I’d be able to focus on my schoolwork more... now I only have around 6h to do some coursework?! Fun! I’m amazing at procrastination, of course. Sorry if there’s some typos or things which seem a bit misplaced, but yeah, that’s what you get when you’re terrhle at time management. So; there’s the explanation for the quick upload, haha. Next chapter is kinda... deep, I wanna say? – so yeah, read the tags, and I’ll upload that once it’s written (maybe not for a while, considering how many unnecessary essays my teacher loves to give us!).


	19. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I present to you... around 18K words of complete and utter angst. I’m sorry. I tried to cut it short, but there wasn’t anywhere I could, sooo you’re stuck with it... I don’t know what to feel, I’m very exhausted but received I’ve written this chapter, I guess? TW for suicide, take care guys.

"Are you hungry, or anything?"

 

Cheryl sighed sadly as weak legs just about managed to carry her from the from door of Sweet Pea's trailer to the sofa bed which she had grown to appreciate, if not love, over these past few days. She opened her mouth, words prepared to deny the offer, just before a shiver from the frosty air of the room shook her whole body, causing stinging tears to form in her eyes as she whimpered at the pain urged by it. She pulled her legs up to her chest, resting her chin upon her knees as she glanced down at the floor, too afraid to meet the shorter girl's gaze as the brunette strode over quickly – _how could somebody with such short legs walk so quickly? Was it the keeping up with Sweet Pea's huge strides, or what else?_ – and gently threw another blanket over her shoulders, tucking the material into every notch as Cheryl mumbled a quiet message of gratitude as a tear escaped and rolled half way down her cheek at the act of genuine love and kindness, only for it to be caught by Toni before it could trail any further, now sat in front of her, left hand rubbing up and down her back for some period of time, Cheryl wasn't too sure how long for, time seemingly jumping between double speed and slow motion in her scrambled, pain-ridden mind, which was only making everything so hard to think about without gaining a headache in the process.

 

"Have you at least eaten anything since breakfast?" the brunette moved to rubbing the other girl's calf up and down gently from her position knelt on the carpet-covered floor of the living quarters. She felt her heart tear slightly as the other girl flinched away momentarily, body still in 'fight or flight' mode from the earlier ordeal, even hours after the worst of that was all over, the panic attack still having an effect on the girl...

 

_Maybe they should go and talk to the school counsellor, look into a legitimate therapist or something, because they were only getting worse and she was at loss of what to do to help now, only so much taking deep breaths and telling her to 'let it all out' could do..._

 

Cheryl shook her head as she shrugged, which raised an eyebrow from Toni, who glanced up with a sad sigh only to find the redhead's pale eyelids closed with the heels of her hands digging into them, dragging over her them in a way which could only be described as painfully as she tried to either keep the tears from falling or wipe them from her cheeks as they continued to fall on an almost constant basis.

 

"I need you to talk to me, Cher," she murmured quietly as she took the other girl's hands in her own, cautious not to touch too hard where chafing restraints once had, pulling them away from the red and puffy skin before she could hurt herself potentially even more. "Have you eaten anything?"

 

"I had a hot chocolate at Fangs' house," the redhead uttered hoarsely, eyes flashing from the wall in front of her for the shortest moment to meet Toni's concerned ones, looking away quickly in something somewhere along the line from embarrassment to fear. It hurt the brunette like a million knives had penetrated their way deep into her heart at once. The shorter girl could only sigh with a short, humourless laugh which could count as a fair attempt to liven up the mood a little, continuing to rub up and down her calf and hoping that the action would bring comfort to the other girl.

 

All that she wanted to do was just to help her. All that she wanted to do was to alleviate all that pain that the other girl was going through.

 

"That's barely food, Cher." The redhead giggled a little, wiping her eyes again sadly as more tears fell with the movement. "I can make you something quickly if you want. Starving yourself isn't going to do you any good at all, sweetie."

 

Cheryl sniffed, trying to inhale through her nose deeply with two short breaths coming up instead which shook her ribcage painfully and brought a wince with the action.

 

Why did crying have to hurt like this? Why did she had to feel the physical effects of it on top of the already horrendous mental ones? Why did she have to feel so ill right now, stomach turning in all directions and head throbbing like she was hungover.

 

"I'm not hungry, Toni…"

 

"Please, Cheryl?" The redhead wanted to break down all over at the urgency in the other girl's hoarse voice. God – she'd never had anybody care about her in this way before. It felt so peculiar, but it was everything she craved; at least, apart from Toni sounding so pained by her situation, her forehead creased in concern as she swallowed thickly, throat bobbing with emotion as she stared at her with that look which made Cheryl feel so helpless, so guilty for what everything going on with her was doing to this other girl who she couldn't wish anything but the best upon or bear to be apart from for an extended period of time - tonight had definitely brought light on that area. "Just let me make you something. It will do you good, I promise. What about some pasta, hmm?" she suggested, reaching up and settling on her other knee to push a loose stand of red which had apparently fallen in front of her face back behind her ear. The taller girl studied the other girl's chocolate brown eyes which were filled with so much affection, and the crease in her forehead amongst her facial features which were embedded in concern. She sighed, nodding slowly and subtly as she bit down on her lip, trying to stop herself from crying as she realised there was no way she could possibly say no to the other girl in front of her-

 

_Fuck- why did she always have to fall apart like this in front of her? She'd been completely fine for the couple of hours before, laughing even, a smile broad on her face as she listened to Fangs tell her all about the funny things him and Toni had gotten up to when they were little; like how that one winter when a thick blanket of white covered every inch of the ground for a month or two straight they'd fallen out over the boy walking into Toni's snowman and making her cry, the next day finding his own beheaded in vengeance and a whole battle of that occurring as they made up out of the love of their hatred with them ending up closer than ever, and then the other time where they'd decided to run away from Riverdale with the previous Hot Dog one summer but had panicked when they realised that they didn't know how to pick up dog shit. Whilst Cheryl had initially been glad that had been the case, for a second wondering what the hell she'd be up to right now if the shorter girl had done more successfully what every kid had tried to at that age, she couldn't help but half-wish that the shorter girl had stuck to that plan, escaping the once picturesque town only haunted by the incestuous and other twisted secrets of the residents' past and the crime scenes of the residents' present, and that she wasn't burdened by the redhead she was taking care of right this second…_

 

"Where's your head at, baby?" she flinched slightly at the tentative voice to her right, having not noticed the speed in which those moments had passed at - _what was going on with her?_ \- with the way the other girl had returned to her side as quickly as she got up, rubbing circles on the small of her back as a pan of pasta was audibly boiling the hob in the kitchen. "You seem really dazed."

 

She felt hurt… and broken… but for whatever reason it may be, she felt as if she couldn't define everything, that the story would feel incomplete with the level of numbness she was stuck in, barely focused in on the present with vision once again blurred by the threatening tears which she knew she couldn't be bothered to wipe away, yet still she couldn't bear the mere thought of them falling.

 

Yet all she could do was shrug, unsure of how to put that across in words; more specifically, in words which _wouldn't_ hurt Toni.

 

"I don't even know, Toni."

 

Every word was pain-enriched, barely above a whisper, but contained the impact of an army of rioters. She was screaming for help, screaming for want, but there was no way to articulate that, every word seemingly so hollow but every emotion betraying that idea completely…

 

The tears were still falling… _for god's sake, why couldn't she control herself…? This was pathetic… this was nothing compared to what she'd had before, not only at the Sisters but at home in Thistle House, and, before then, Thornhill Manor._

 

Cheryl felt arms slowly wrap themselves around her shoulders wholly and the redhead couldn't stop herself from burying her face deep into the neck which was right in front of her, fitting almost like two jigsaw pieces, the two apparently made for each other in every way possible, and she noticed her legs be pulled away from her chest to rest over the shorter girl's thighs as she positioned her in her lap, sweet nothings being murmured into the other girl's ear as the sobs helplessly growing louder and louder with syllable being uttered…

 

"Shhhh," Toni's voice was so beautiful and melodic like music to her ears, with the power of every sad song she'd ever listened to telling her that better things were coming, that this wouldn't last forever, but so implicitly. "Get it out… I'm here, shh…"

 

"I-I'm s-so s-so-sorry-y T-Toni…" her body began to shake again as the words failed to come out as a whole, replaced by a jumbled mess of syllables which could only be guessed by the shorter girl. "I-I-"

 

The serpent just shook her head, followed by a sequence of gentle yet firmly spoken words. "Don't… come on, shhh… none of this is your fault, Cheryl. Just breathe. In and out, yeah, how I taught you earlier? We don't want another panic attack, do we, hmm? Then, we can talk about what happened, yeah?

 

Cheryl tried. She really did. The tears were falling oh so quickly, oh so beyond her control, and her throat felt so sore and parched, head throbbing from dehydration. When the redhead's gestures indicated her discomfort, gasps seeming too dry as she went on to sob more quietly, Toni reached to her side to grab the tall glass of water from the coffee table in front of her, wincing at the whine which left the redhead in her arms as that one touch was stolen from around her shoulders, and the brunette pulled away slowly to wipe the tears from her far cheek as she helped lift the glass to the taller girl's chapped, permanently red-stained lips, encouraging her to take sips of the room-temperature liquid at short but approximate intervals, moving her left hand to continue to rub up and down the redhead's back as Cheryl took hold of the glass to see herself to from the half-empty mark.

 

The effect was immediate, her throat no longer burning and her head no longer so heavy-feeling.

 

"Better?"

 

Toni cocked her head as a small smile took over half of her lips, her eyes seeming so tired but shining still as she encouraged an answer from the other girl, who nodded once as the drained the final sixth of the glass in one gulp, panting heavily against the rim before Toni took it from her clasp and placed it back on the table the her feet.

 

"You're alright," she continued to reassure her, perhaps the shorter girl reassuring herself as well, her smile growing just that little bit wider as the redhead affirmed her with a small nod, her exhausted-looking hazel eyes still, however, dodging Toni's concerned doe-like ones, "you're safe."

 

They sat like that for a while, Cheryl's tears drying over layers as more silent ones fell from time to time, both girls contempt in the other's arms with the comfort of soft skin and soft hair and warmth radiating off each other as the shorter girl brought her lips up to rest of Cheryl's forehead, pecking the occasional kiss against her blotchy skin as she whispered an odd few words of comfort. Cheryl closed her eyes for a few seconds, relishing in the serenity of the image along with how safe she felt, the silence helping her to breathe, a far cry from the adjective of 'suffocating' which she had used to describe so many situation of only white noise before this point, before Toni, with the only other sounds in the room being the quiet whistle of the gas hob and the grumble of the old electric heater beneath the window and the occasional tick of the near-battery-dead clock and the sound of Hot Dog's snores as he slept in the opposite couch, completely unfazed by the whole situation.

 

"Where's Sweet Pea?" The shorter girl jumped at the sound of a voice in her ear which so much louder than everything else in the room right now.

 

"He's still at the bar. He won't be back until maybe one in the morning, I guess." She swallowed thickly. Cheryl pulled away for a second after taking the time to digest the words three times through before her frown grew.

 

"Toni?"

 

The redhead frowned as the brunette sighed heavily in front of her, and she couldn't ignore the way it sounded torn in two…

 

"What is it, Cheryl?" Toni coughed, clearing her throat, emotion thick in her voice… along with _something else..._ something which Cheryl hadn't heard so explicitly from the shorter girl before, but something she had heard escaping through her own lips, regardless of how many times she'd tried to disguise it, and regardless of how many times she'd pray that nobody were to hear it elocuted in her words.

 

_Pain._

 

_Nothing more. Nothing less._

 

And, fuck, if it were what she thought it to be, that was her heart broken even more, shattered like the millions of pieces of a fragile crystal ball on the floor, impossible to pick up and stick together anywhere near perfectly, always tiny shards going to be missing and contorting the way everything was everything passed through it.

 

_Then again, what even was perfection these days? What even had been perfection in the past? Those past sixteen and a half years of her life…?_

 

She looked straight across at Toni, and the light of the room was dim and the walls of the room made it appear a strange yellow-orange colour, her face not visible as much beyond a silhouette with a few key facial features visible, and she could only feel the wetness of her cheeks when she reached a shaky hand up to her, not too sure what the intentions were, still too numb to think about her actions in the first place, but…

 

That sensation. It was like everything in time and her thoughts had lined up, her mind catching up with every nerve of her body and she could suddenly _feel_ something. Never mind all of her pain, and everything in her head which was still colliding and giving her an awful migraine – either that or it was whatever had caused her bout of illness earlier, which was more thank likely something well beyond fear and panic and upset – or the awful memories of what had happened that night and in those two previous weeks before now. Cheryl pulled her hand away for a second as if she had been given an electric shock, before hesitantly running her fingers back over the other girl's damp cheeks carefully and frowning.

 

"TT…" she started, feeling tears well in her own eyes as the pink-haired girl sniffled audibly this time, nudging the redhead's fingers away gently with her hand before dragging her own over her cheeks quickly in effort to wipe them away.

 

"I'm okay," Toni said monotonously, the words evidently intended to have more force to them but it was almost as if the shorter girl couldn't will herself to snap like she would have with anybody else, too afraid to hurt the broken girl in front of her, scare her away, or whatever. She winced at the way it sounded like she was crying for help, because she wasn't. She so wasn't. But if she denied it… well, what would that give off to Cheryl? Would she lie about her emotions in the future instead of sharing them with the other girl? God, she was such a hypocrite and she didn't know what the right thing to do was… her morals were all jumbled up and…

 

She sniffled again, and ran a hand through her hair as she tried to _inhale… exhale…_

 

"It's just an emotional night, I guess," she laughed harshly through the many more tears which fell, the mountain in her throat building as she put every ounce of effort she had within her to hold back the sob which was begging to escape from her lips. She forced a smile, trying to shake the matter off before she turned to look Cheryl dead in the eyes, biting down on her lower lip as she swallowed. "I-"

 

Her words – whether they were decided at that point or not, it did not matter one bit – were cut off in an instant as she felt slightly larger hands gripping onto her own like a lifeline, and when she looked back up at them into the curious, gentle, pained orbs staring into hers, she felt like she couldn't breathe…

 

_… or, at least, she couldn't hold the tears in anymore…_

 

Her bottom lip was beginning to tremble between the clamp of her teeth, and her vision blurred over before she could say or do anything else to try and stop or just excuse it, and she knew deep down that no matter how hard she tried, nothing she'd try could keep those damned tears in for a second longer-

 

_"I'm sorry-_ " a single, loud sob broke from her voicebox, and with her hands now gripped by paler ones it wasn't like she could hide her tears from the Cheryl anymore. She could try and pull them away, sure… but she knew, deep down, that she couldn't. Not to Cheryl, who'd been through hell-all today. She just- just couldn't. It would be too cruel, making the other girl suffer without the touch she knew that she was craving, pulling away when she was one of the only ones who had stuck by her side through all of this, the only one the redhead seemed to trust right now...

 

The taller girl sighed, chewing the inside of her cheek as she swallowed, lost for words.

 

_She'd made her cry… it was all she kept thinking, that she was the reason behind this. She had upset Toni._

 

"It's not your fault–"

 

Before she could think, before she could go back to where her head had been just a couple of seconds ago, Toni pulled her hands out of Cheryl's grip and up to her face, causing the other girl to flinch away with a yelp of surprise. The pink-haired girl knew immediately, guilt taking over as she bit down on her tongue hard enough for her to taste blood and feel the ache of it, trying to ground herself with it, but only crying harder, sobs of anguish taking over her body as she began to figure out what she'd done, smothered and suffocated by the guilt of the action in an instance, the mere thought pulling more and more sobs from her chest and prying more and more thick tears from her eyes, and through her fingers covering them she peeked to see Cheryl, wincing at the way her face was painted with confusion and hurt, and it was so fucking _overwhelming…_

 

_She'd hurt her. Toni was hurting and instead of letting it go and letting the other girl in with the source of her pain, she'd only gone and hurt her girlfriend on the night she needed her the most..._

 

_She should have known that this would happen. She was fully aware of the one hundred percent odds of tonight ending in her own breakdown, even done so much as admit it to herself, but regardless of that, she had tried to hold back, for both of their goods, and now she'd just created more pain, more guilt, more to apologise for..._

 

"I'm so sorry, Cheryl… I am…"

 

Cheryl just stared helplessly, utterly lost as to what she could possibly do. Rebounding back from the momentary shock, breathing somewhat calmer despite the way in which her heart was racing, which made no sense in her head but at this point she didn't care, a racing heart probably better than lungs which wouldn't work, she reached a tentative hand over to try and pry Toni's stronger ones from her face, shaking fingers trying to wipe her cheeks which was only making everything so much harder for her to do.

 

"It's not your fault, TT…" she repeated, a lot firmer and louder this time but still gently and still with a slight waiver of hesitation as she tried her best to figure out what to do or say or anything like that. She felt tears fall from her own eyes yet again, scared and in pain of seeing the other girl in such a weak state.

 

She just wanted to help, but she didn't know _how…_

 

Toni shook her head frantically, a quiet whimper sounding in the room amongst the near-silence, and she gritted her teeth as she swallowed hard.

 

"No, Cheryl. It _is_." The redhead's eyes widened, and she opened her mouth to attempt to say just something but she was cut off, the shorter girl jumping up from the couch quickly and disturbing Hot Dog opposite, the little sheepdog sitting up quickly with a confused grunt and puppy dog eyes staring at the other girl as she paced up and down the room, and the taller girl swung her jean-covered legs off the couch in surprise, the shorter girl agitated and tears still falling freely from her eyes, her voice more raised than before, so much more pained than before… "Why didn't I _do_ anything?"

 

Another loud sob was ripped from the brunette's throat, and Cheryl sat up slightly straighter to listen, forehead creased more than she thought was possible in sheer concern, but she didn't utter a word. She just listened. She'd been there so many times where she just wanted somebody to listen to her with no added input, doing nothing more than accepting what she had been telling them as reality, listening to her get it out of the system and maybe then only a bit of input on the end (which, being honest, she didn't listen to most of the time, but the idea of the other person with her saying a couple of sentences in aim of at least trying to alleviate _something_ was always nice to think about). Maybe right now was just one of those occasions.

 

"I knew what your mother was capable of," the other girl continued tearfully, thick tears falling rapidly as her voice fell raspy with guilt and agony as she forced the words out on pure adrenaline, there being no apparent end without her fucking saying all this when she never would have if she was in a normal mental state and was actually thinking about the consequences. "I _saw_ the way she treated you… at the will reading, and the dinner, and the sleepover. Even if I hadn't, you told me that you were scared for your fucking life. And I was going to tell somebody, but I just didn't fucking _do_ anything…"

 

"Toni, please calm down… none of this is your fault-" Cheryl felt her own tears running down her cheeks as she went to move but couldn't. She was interrupted almost immediately, the shorter girl's voice louder. Not mean. Not aggressive. But louder, _shockingly_ louder, sobs coming thick and fast and-

 

"No!" the shorter girl choked out, crying ugly tears with uneven breaths, her voice just so insistent, the message she was trying so hard to get across being wo fucking _urgent_ yet so fucking _painful_ , her heart pounding in her ribcage with every sob of a word, like payback for what she'd done – or, more accurately, what she _hadn't_ done. "I knew everything that your mother was capable of… and even if I hadn't seen what she was like in person I should have just _done_ something… even if you hadn't told me it's not hard to guess how she treated you from one interaction with the bitch, and I should have just gone to the fucking police and told them that you were in danger, regardless of evidence or any sort of shit like that-"

 

Only, she really couldn't have, Cheryl thought. Toni going down to the police about her mother - who may have swept down to the lows of prostitution amongst sixteen years of crippling abuse, but still remained one of the most powerful women in Riverdale, the Blossom name and it's worth really doing a good deed in helping with that even after, well, everything with her song and her husband - as a Southside Serpent - explicitly the most hated gang in the town, from the most hated side of the town - would have been pretty much been the dictionary definition of handing herself over. And, even if they were to believe her, and something _was_ done, well, what would Penelope Blossom do to the shorter girl? The answer to that was something Cheryl didn't want to know, her heart throbbing as her mind filled with thoughts of the possibilities, none of them being good news in any way...

 

_God, please Veronica be trying with all your might to get your mother involved with this right now so that we can figure something out..._

 

"It's not like you could do anything, Toni," Cheryl tried to ignore the emotional pain smacking her in the chest with every damned word her mind was registering, tried to stay calm as she spoke, in no way able to ignore the slight shake in her voice as she did so but hoping that the serpent wouldn't pick up on it. "May it was even for the better that you didn't. I dread to think what my mother would have done to you and the rest of the serpents…"

 

Toni just shook her head tearfully. "I h-hate myself-f for it-t-t. I-I-I'm such a fucking idiot, Cheryl, and I'm s-s-so s-s-sorry…"

 

The redhead got up from where she was as the shorter girl's sobs became harsher… more violent… _way_ more uneven. She knew nothing other her track record, but she could just tell that the other girl was most likely walking around the edge of a panic attack. Cheryl tried to breathe, tried to gulp down _her own_ oxygen and steady _herself_ mentally and physically as she pushed her body up on weak and tired legs, ignoring the dizzying sensation that hit her like a truck immediately – _fuck, maybe she actually was hungry, after all_ – slowly and cautiously walking over to the other girl, now turned away and facing the broken old roller blinds of the wider window opposite the couch she had just lifted herself from, the floodlight of the trailer park giving them more light than before and highlighting Toni's face, and she reached a wary hand across to touch the other girl's bare bicep with shaking fingertips…

 

_"Toni…"_

 

_She must be freezing in this weather,_ Cheryl thought to herself as she suddenly realised that she was still wearing both Toni's hoody and her serpent jacket, her heart skipping a beat at the last bit as she wondered what the _hell_ she even looked like in a serpent jacket, whether she had betrayed Jason by wearing it…

 

She pushed that thought right back to the archive of her mind. _No. You've already been through that pain and guilt tonight, and you don't need another one any time soon, but Toni needs you..._

 

A blur of brown and pink flashed right before her eyes before she could say anything, Cheryl gasping in momentary surprise as those same bare arms quickly wrapped themselves up and around her shoulders, although she returned the action immediately and without hesitation.

 

_She needs you, Cheryl._

 

_In the same way that you needed her, and that you still need her, Toni needs you right now._

 

"None of this is your fault, TT," she murmured against the other girl's skin, her voice welling with emotion, as a few more tears fell from her own eyes as she tried to rub the other girl's back, tried to think back to how Toni had tried to calm her down in moments like this, the redhead jumping into comforting mode. Her own hands were still shaking, adrenaline continuing to pump through her veins, and Cheryl was still trying to get those thoughts and images out of her _fucking_ head from all those hours earlier, and she really did not know what to do to help but she had to just try and get a grip of herself, that whole idea so much easier said that it would to be done-

 

_What had happened had hurt Toni,_ she kept thinking to herself. Her strong, beautiful, selfless, caring _Toni_ , of all the people she had managed to hurt this time. Toni, who didn't deserve a single second of this pain that _she_ had put her in… God, she was just too perfect as she'd made her fall, made her crumple, and it was all her fucking fault and that was something she _swore_ she could never forgive herself for-

 

After a few quieter moments, small sniffles causing her chest to rise and fall more unevenly, the other girl laughed bitterly and humourlessly, shaking her head through the tears as she shuffled awkwardly in her stance.

 

_"I shouldn't even be the one crying, for fuck's sake."_

 

Cheryl whimpered, moving her hand up to stroke the other girl's hair as a sad frown grew on her face, lump forming in her throat as her heart skipped a beat and she bit her lip. She pulled away hesitantly, trying to face her and examine her face, the other girl whining at the loss of contact as a smaller, quieter sob fell from her lips no matter how hard she tried to just keep it _in_ , but, nevertheless, she was immediate to follow as she was tugged those couple of yards back on to the couch by the pale hand which had wrapped itself around her slim, caramel-coloured wrist, and Toni reached up to wipe her eyes and she chewed down on her quivering lip, trying to hold back the more nearing sobs which she refused to let escape whilst doing so...

 

What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she such a mess? She never cried. Maybe these past couple of days she had, out of that pain of seeing the other girl in such a vulnerable state which stabbed her in the heart with every other glance in that direction. Maybe these past couple of weeks she had, small sniffles sounding as she buried her head into the cushions of the couch of whoever's trailer she had been taking residency at at the time, unable to think of anything _but_ the worst as she cried herself to sleep on more than one occasion. But before then, she couldn't remember a single occasion in which she'd cried. Not even when she'd been locked out by her uncle, the shorter girl cringing away at the smell of alcohol on his breath, his strong hands pushing her back violently in the street as he screamed at her not to come back before slamming the door in her face with such force which would snap her fingers right off if she had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not even when she'd left a street fight with some Ghoulie on his hands and knees, knife - regardless of whether or not it was hers or whoever else's - penetrating into him or her near some vital organ, running as fast as her legs could carry her as she tried to forget his or her face and hope that there wouldn't be a column in the Register the next day stating the fate of that battle, tried to forget about the threats yelled after them about payback and keep herself and her boys' backs covered for the next weeks to come, completely and utterly shaken with fear and shame and guilt about what had happened then-

 

The redhead sighed as Toni's thought seemed to wander away from the current topic, pushing herself closer to the other girl; an attempt to ground both herself and the serpent, trying to listen to her every heartbeat, feel every rise and fall of her chest as her lungs inhaled and exhaled… it had worked all those many times before, and she could only pray for the miracle that it would on this different occasion, where they were _both_ pained rather than just her who was, _both_ hurting, and _both_ very much in need of it.

 

_Both very much in need of each other._

 

Shakily, Toni inhaled, hesitating slightly as she felt more tears begin well in her eyes, but she was doing a decent job of collecting herself in aim of preventing that - or, at least, as good a job as she could in collecting herself.

 

"How the hell did you _live_ like this, Cher?" she was biting back down on her bottom lip the millisecond she finished speaking, tears threatening her eyes and a sob threatening her lips yet again, shaking her head in a combination of both sadness and disbelief. She was asking it in such a pure, genuine was, just as it was, looking for nothing but the honest answer almost out of pure curiosity and disbelief, but at the same time it just felt so rhetorical. There wasn't an answer to the question, and any one which would be offered up wouldn't be at all useful to the situation. "How did you managed to live in that house with that awful woman all those years?"

 

The redhead sighed before speaking breathily.

 

Penelope had treated Cheryl as if she were some mangy stray who'd been hit by a car – worthless and unimportant, fate already set in stone, and how miserable that fate would be. But Toni, on the other hand, had the person who wanted to help transform that damaged being into something loved and happy, like in all of those depressingly adorable animal shelter commercials. The metaphor was that someone so damaged, just like Cheryl Blossom, at barely four days out of that hellhole, wasn't going to heal overnight, and Toni was going to be massively involved in the empty vault in time between the before and after snapshots. She remembered hearing something in history about some triage or whatever of war, the most injured and vulnerable left behind with the ones with potential given everything to aid them. Whilst many would have looked at Cheryl and placed her in that category, or even the higher one, Toni not exactly disagreeing with the statement either – the emotional torture and pain she'd endured was immense, inexcusable, obvious – she wanted to disprove that idea. Apparently, it was too late. But she still recognised wholeheartedly that was never too late to leave anyone behind. The serpents had taught her that. She had apparently taught herself that. _Cheryl_ had taught her that, and, just God, ever since that first real encounter in the school bathrooms that day when she'd managed to pluck up the courage to go and confront her, the northsider had grown to be so much stronger and better of a person than she had been before.

 

"She hurt you…" Toni shook her head in disbelief, the mere idea of the other girl enduring all that horror in her lifetime with no break from it being something she struggled to get her head around. It felt so wrong to speak of it. It wasn't meant to happen – not in anybody's case, in any another world, in anybody's worst nightmares. People weren't supposed to hate their children, treat them in this way. Even if there had been an excuse on the older woman's behalf (a shitty, heartless, irrelevent, cruel one, at that), it wasn't in any way going to earn the shorter girl's sympathy. It would never be worthy of her sympathy, and her decision about her attitude towards the girl's mother would not be changed in the slightest by even the most tragic of backstories - and who was to say that Penelope Blossom even had a tragic backstory? Had she always been this sick, twisted, cruel lowlife who took pleasure in other people's pain, the pain she had more than likely inflicted upon them herself? Toni really would not have put it past her at all. But still... she _wanted_ to know. She _wanted_ a fucking explanation for it. "Whatever she did – physically, emotionally... by sending you away to a fucking, illegal, completely immoral and violating nunnery-" the shorter girl scoffed at the mere idea of it. She wasn't even religious – sure, she'd always celebrated Christmas and Easter and whatever else, and she'd gone to church with her mother and father on those such occasions during her childhood as many people in the town did, southsiders included in that population – but she knew that nuns weren't supposed to act like that. They weren't supposed to hurt people... they were supposed to do the complete opposite. "-and she doesn't even seem to _care_ about it, Cheryl! She doesn't even seem to _care_ that you're out of her hands now, otherwise she'd probably have been right around and seeing to the serpents with hell to pay. Not that I'm unhappy she isn't, because, _fuck_ , that's the last thing we need right now, but..." The serpent trailed off, Cheryl noticing the brunette beginning to clench and unclench her fist now as she spoke, but her words were quickly followed by her lip beginning to quiver yet again, the same lump in her throat growing even bigger and even more tears threatening to fall as opposed to before. Cheryl quickly noticed, reaching over to wipe them away as a couple escaped, her whole body numb to the bone, every part of her unsure of what exactly to do. Her first reaction, just like it had been for Toni, was guilt. Guilt for her situation putting the other girl in so much visible _agony_ ; agony she didn't even know could be enforced on somebody else because, really, how _would_ she be able to know? It wasn't like she'd been so caught up emotionally with or about anybody else before...

 

Cheryl sniffled, coughing slightly in attempt to clear her throat, keep her own tears at bay before the whole situation went full spiral yet again, having discovered by now that her crying would only lead to Toni being in more pain...

 

The redhead exhaled shakily, trying to keep her voice calm and gentle as she went to speak, small sobs escaping the pink-haired girl all over again at this point. "TT- hey, please, _please_ listen to me-" the serpent sniffled, glancing up in the slightest as she quickly wiped her left eye. "Please don't cry," the redhead murmured under her breath, only loud enough for the shorter girl to make out but somehow in no way loud enough to echo throughout the tin can of a trailer as every other word she'd said seemed to. Cheryl inhaled, taking a deep breath before opening her mouth to speak again, trying to retain that equilibrium she'd somehow managed to find even within this hurricane of emotions - like the eye of the storm, an area of calm conditions surrounded by the thick wall of danger and horror which they kept veering into helplessly.

 

"Toni," Cheryl breathed through semi-closed lips, closing her eyes as she relished in how the name sounded. It was beautiful. It really was. She couldn't even start on the full version – 'Antoinette' – frowning at the way that just a couple of months ago she probably would have said something cruel about it and it's relation to that French queen (in any other moment she might have laughed at the irony in reminiscence of how she'd once labelled her rather cruelly 'Queen of the Buskers', unknowing of her name even at that point, thinking for a short second about how it must have been fate or something, how maybe all of this, as Toni in fact had thought aloud to her just days ago, was meant to be for there to be better things or something like that). But nothing beat what she saw when she gazed right across from her, overtaking any name in terms of beauty or perfection or else. But she was _broken_ , and she couldn't help but believe that it was all at fault of herself. Cheryl sighed again, trying to get herself back on track with her thoughts, with this conversation, and with this situation. "I don't even know. And I'm sorry, because what happened to me-" she cut herself off, distracted by the whimper her protest sounding through the brunette's lips and the way in which her face was beginning to crumple all over again no matter how strong she tried to be, no matter how long she tried to hold herself together "-I know that what happened to me with the Sisters and my mother hurt you as much as it did me. I don't even- I can just _tell_ that it has had that effect. But-"

 

Cheryl inhaled again, brow furrowed and reaching for the other girl's hand, clinging onto it like a lifeline as well as a reminder that she was here, that they were with each other, and that all that hell was over with _to an extent_. God – she _needed_ that. She needed to _feel_ her, an escape from that numb sensation which was messing with both her head and her heart together, reminding her of the medication that she had been taking at that hellhole by no choice of her own and its dizzying effects in her. She felt a cold, clammy palm placed over the top of the hand in front of her, nails not quite digging in but not far off doing so, and she found herself trying hard to regain her words and posture with everything she had within her.

 

"-the other day you said something," Cheryl continued, "something about maybe how this was meant to be? How this was maybe supposed to happen? I don't really remember, TT – honestly, I've been trying to forget everything negative about the past few days, and there are so many borderline things with that."

 

Toni nodded in understanding, eyes sad and gazing into hers with something she couldn't quite put a name to.

 

"I was scared, Toni," the redhead whimpered. "The Blossoms are powerful people – I always knew that, and I guess I thought that if I said something formally it would turn back to hurt me. My parents were apparently good enough actors and materialistic consumers to make anybody believe that they loved their children and would give them everything any eight year old's heart would desire," she bit her lip as her eyes glossed over with tears for a short second, some falling as she blinked, "or, at least, that they loved me as much as they loved JJ."

 

"They would have hurt you…" Toni trailed thoughtfully, brushing her shaky fingers over the smooth, pale skin of Cheryl's hand, sniffling quietly as her face fell even more should that have even been possible. Chery nodded.

 

"JJ would tell me not to do things like that which would get mommy and daddy into trouble," she continued melancholically. "He told me that it wouldn't do any good at all. And I guess now that it really wouldn't have. All those years on, it still wouldn't, TT."

 

"Is that what happened when your mother took you away to the…?"

 

_Toni could barely bear to say it. The whole title sounded wrong and haunting, like it ought to be the name of one of those awful, jump-scaring horror movies which gave you nightmares for a week. But it wasn't fictional. It was real, yet it still held the same haunting effect on the two girls._

 

_What the fuck was up with this world?_

 

She winced internally as the redhead nodded, brow creasing with how she looked so shameful for the past action which had been so far out of her control. She took a deep breath, tightening her grip on the top of the other girl's hand and looking to her for the consent before taking a deep breath-

 

"What happened? Were you at the hospital or what?"

 

The way the taller girl's pale face contorted with the pain of the memory had her own heart throbbing, the mere idea of how terrified the other girl must have been, especially after all that shit with the eldest Blossom going down and making the redhead confide in her that she was well and truly terrified for her life and wellbeing just a couple of days before that, being dragged down those pristine white and blue corridors by the elbow, out to the car park, into the car, doors locked and only stopping outside that gothic, ghoulish old mental asylum turned orphanage-

 

When she'd heard the likelihood that Cheryl was there, she had been terrified, but at the same time she didn't know what she'd been thinking of when she'd been trying to find images and information on her phone the whole drive there, panicking slightly when nothing besides the front of the building came up, eventually assuming that it would just be kind of like McLean Hospital in 'Girl, Interrupted', only several times worse and a good five or six decades apart in setting, but every assumption had been so underexaggerated when you put expectation to reality and, _fuck_ , she felt so sick to her stomach right now-

 

"You don't have to tell me," Toni nodded with her lips pursed, her body shivering slightly out of both the cold and the fear and shock and whatever else.

 

"Even if I had said something, and something had gone through – say, I was put into the foster system or whatever-" Cheryl remembered those many Google searches she'd made when she was merely thirteen or fourteen years old, just after Heather had happened and her parents' abuse was spiralling into something much more unbearable than it had been before and she was so at lost and every single day she was wishing to be her last, deleting her browser history by the hour just in case her mother came in and found her on 'deviant, inappropriate websites' (by that, meaning Tumblr and Instagram, scrolling through the hashtags and feeling complete and utter envy alongside relief and maybe belonging as she stared at the images of girls down the page, crying about how much she longed for what they had which she didn't, longing for a love which was unconditional and wouldn't be stolen away from her, and a love which wasn't just the platonic, sibling one she had once shared with her brother) and found that instead "- the law can often be swayed by money. I learnt that early on. Knowing my mother, she'd go out and buy me back or something, get me out of that system, for whatever messed up reason that may happen to be since she doesn't care about me in the first place," she laughed bitterly, wincing at how sore her throat felt and how tears squeezed out of her eyes. "And even if the system had decided it really was that bad, who would take in a girl of my reputation in this town or any surrounding? I'd likely be moved away from here, miles from my friends… miles from _you_..."

 

She couldn't help but let that final sob go as Toni crawled over and puller her closer against her chest as she readjusted her into her lap, letting the redhead cry into her shoulder yet again, let go of those painful ideas and remind her that she was here, and that she was safe with her and that the witch called Penelope Blossom wouldn't be touching a hair on her head ever again; at least not on her watch, she wasn't. The shorter girl breathed in the scent of her cheap shampoo and perfume which she had been borrowing and had been for the past couple of days, welling up again herself as everything started to digest itself…

 

She so could be gone, gone miles and miles away from Riverdale, to the metropolis of New York City or any of its suburbs at the closest where there was really no chance of ever seeing her, to being a day away in another state she'd probably never be able to reach. She so could have never met her, and maybe she never would have met her if only things had worked out that slightest bit nicer for the other girl…

 

She felt so selfish for thinking that, when she only knew part of this whole story of sheer pain the redhead had endured to get them to this point, where they were now, sat on a damaged and stained old couch in each other's clothing, crying their eyes out as they had been for the past half hour or so, if not the whole past few days…

 

"I'm so sorry."

 

Cheryl shook her head firmly against the other girl as she felt tears which weren't her own on her skin as the other girl began to shake against her...

 

"None of this is your fault, TT. Don't let yourself tell you that, because it really isn't."

 

The pink-haired girl shook her head with a sharp inhale. "Sweet Pea told me that..."

 

"Well, believe if you don't believe him, believe _me_ , Toni," Cheryl sighed, trying to smile in encouragement but everything felt so heavy and she was really just beginning to struggle, "because you haven't brought this on. You're not to blame in any way, at least trust me on that... even if you don't see it that way, it _is_ the truth, TT. You're not to blame, Antoinette."

 

The serpent froze the second those words were uttered, striking a chord somewhere in her head… a past memory, many years back. She remembered the moment apart for a few clouded areas she'd tried to forget about, but the exact algorithm of the situation that she'd found herself in was still there, still haunting her.

 

_"You're not to blame, Antoinette. This isn't any of your fault."_

 

She whimpered. Only just having collected herself from the couple of minutes before, here she was, trying to keep tears at bay yet again but once again failing, and, this time, failing _big time…_

 

"Toni?"

 

Cheryl could only pull away with her heard racing and watch in nothing short of shock and worry as the girl in front of her's face contorted helplessly as she clearly tried to stop it yet having not hope, a long, loud whine in her throat sounding and echoing off the walls of the room. Her lips were pursed, teeth pushing them hard against each other to try and stifle the sound as she began and tremble, hands shaking as she brought them up to her eyes which were now pinched shut.

 

"What is it, TT?" the redhead questioned nervously, every phoneme pronounced slowly and perfectly, and it just made the other girl's heart break.

 

S _he couldn't be pronouncing anything at all right now,_ she thought with a wince, j _ust like the two other people in her life whom she loved more than anything else weren't…_

 

_It was also so much and-_

 

A loud sob fell through the other girl's lips, a guttural cry of pain, and Cheryl flinched at the loud sound which echoed off the walls, entirely at loss of what to do as she just stared as the shorter girl sobbed uncontrollably, breaths short and uneven as she cried out, her whole body shaking violently with each fallen tear, and – _fuck_ – Cheryl swore that she had never seen nor hear so much pain in her life… not even from the other children in the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy… not even from herself on the worst of days…

 

Let alone from Toni – the strongest person she knew – who in this moment sounded so broken, so _pained-_

 

She felt her heart tear that little bit more with every sob which sounded, the redhead frozen in her spot, pained at the way she wasn't able to say or do anything which may bring relief to the other girl, watching on as her own tears fell contagiously, no longer only feeling her own pain but the pain which was brought on by seeing the other girl who she loved _so damned much_. And she had been the last one to speak so-

 

_Fuck, she had brought this on – she swore that this was all her fault, as everything else had been, bringing pain to everyone she met and even enforcing it on the other girl she loved more than anything else in the world, not even realising what she was doing-_

 

"I'm-" Cheryl stuttered, barely above a whisper, her heart racing in blind panic and blood rushing loudly in her ears and- "I-I'm sorry-y-"

 

She whimpered, repeating her apology over and over in her head (but not necessarily in her words, she soon realised), the other girl just shaking her head frantically as she began to feel her face numb, tears stinging at her eyes as her brow creased, eyes closing as she opened her mouth to let out the approaching sob, and she heard someone shuffling closer, the next thing being arms wrap around hers quickly, making her jump as another body began to shake against her once again, sobs louder in her ear and shaking fingers run through her hair as she felt wetness in the crook of her neck…

 

"I'm sorry," Toni whimpered between sobs. "No, no, no, Cheryl-l… don't you d-dare apologise for this, none is this is at your hands, I-I-I sw-s-swear of it-t…"

 

All that she couldn't fucking thing about right now were her fucking parents- her fucking family- and how fucking lucky she was that she hadn't let Cheryl slip down that same path–

 

The thought was dizzying, but it gave her much bigger heartache than it did a headache...

 

"Please, TT…" Cheryl's words were soft yet pained, pleading in her ear, but Toni couldn't only shake her head in repel, too scared of what she'd think of her for maybe saving her but not necessarily everybody else, not necessarily her own fucking family members. The thought made her cry harder if only that were possible, ragged breaths of emotional pain and shame and guilt making her chest heave agonisingly. She gripped the leather of her jacket which was wrapped around the redhead, fists clinging to the tough black material of the shoulders, hoping wholeheartedly that the meaning of it would give her the strength she longed for in this situation. "Please let me in. Talk to me, Toni-"

 

She sniffled as she pulled away from her tight grip, panting through the tears, begging for breath. She'd never taken breathing for granted at any moment in the past five years, not after what had happened.

 

She opened her mouth to speak, but her words weren't there, and her brain wasn't functioning well enough to find them. She tried to inhale, hold it there, exhaling after that but it _hurt…_

 

Everything hurt. Everything hurt just so _fucking_ much.

 

It was like she'd been hit with a wrecking ball, the weight of everything which had occurred in the past five years building up and compacting into this dense and heavy structure which was knocking her out right now in a single blow, knocking all those concealed, pent-up tears from her memories and forcing them out all at once with it, destroying her tough image which she'd tried to build up as an escape route from everything she'd been trying oh so hard to forget about-

 

She bit her lip, trying hard to stifle the tears which were coming thick and fast, likely trying to figure out all that she was going to say as she stared at the redhead, gazing over every facial feature of hers, admiring every bare inch, noting yet again how perfect she looked even without her makeup as she did with it on. She was just beautiful. But, at the same time, she looked so hurt, concerned; so on. God – this girl just inches away from her was so damn broken and Toni could only pray to every deity up there that she wasn't beyond repair, that she wasn't as damaged as she seemed from all that trauma, that she could be fixed, and that she could just help her in even the slightest way.

 

She didn't deserve her… she thought of everything bad she'd done in her life, most of it gang related and out of her hands on the most part but _still_ , she didn't deserve her.

 

"I love you," she blurted out midway through a sob. She winced at how broken and cracked her voice sounded, how out of the blue the comment seemed, so simple – eight letters, three words, one meaning – yet such a massive thing to say.

 

_God, what was wrong with her tonight?_

 

"I'm here, Toni," Cheryl whispered, breaking more heart-wrenching cries from the serpent. "Just talk to me? Tell me what's wrong, Toni?" Her sentences raised in pitch at the end as a question. "We always talk about _me_ , and _my_ life, and everything shitty about that; but what about _you?_ " the redhead continued, voice welling with emotion, speaking with a lump in her throat and tears streaming down her face in the midst of the calmness in her tone. Toni noticed. Toni had been there more than enough times. It was like the roles were reversed, and she didn't like it. The shorter girl felt so vulnerable, placed in the hot seat, eyes gazing into her and trying to figure out what was going on with her. The last time she'd been there had been with her and the boys, and she didn't want to go back to those years, didn't want to think back to what had led her to being put in that situation…

 

_"You can talk to us, Tiny. You have to. You can't keep this all bottled up inside anymore because just look what's happened now because of it..."_

 

She shut her eyes, willing back the thought as she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. _No._ Just _no._

 

She heard Cheryl sigh heavy-heartedly over her quiet whimpers and the voices of the memories screaming in her head. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, the ticking of the clock falling out of thought as she tried to focus in, tried to think of something – _anything_ – to say to get her out of this. She had barely looked up when she felt a hand clasp around hers, pulling it towards her and turning it over…

 

_Let her in, Toni,_ she thought to herself, _she's going to have to know about it at some stage and maybe that being right now could save you from another breakdown like this at some stage later on._

 

It was dead silent for a moment before Cheryl sighed sadly, stroking a thumb softly over the soft, caramel skin of her lower forearm, tears falling from the redhead's hazel eyes as she just stared. Toni couldn't bring herself to look. She knew what expression would be on the redhead's face, and she knew right now that it was a look she didn't want to see. She didn't want to face that shame again, but the redhead wasn't really giving her any choice, was she?

 

"That once looks bad."

 

Toni shuddered slightly as the redhead brushed a finger over the thick, pale line at the bottom her wrist. She sniffled, shaking her head as she contemplated pushing it away, but what was the point of doing that now that all was on show, had been for the past hour, if not the past week, and she was already adamant that the other girl knew?

 

So she just nodded, swallowing hard before sighing, words failing to come out, her brain completely and utterly scrambled. But when out of the corner of her eyes she noticed Cheryl glance up at her with a raised eyebrow, she knew instantaneously that she was going to have to give her more.

 

"It was."

 

She couldn't stop herself from shuddering at the memory of it. The panic when she realised she didn't want to go through with it anymore, whether it was too late as she felt her mouth go dry and vision go spotty, grabbing one of Sweet Pea's old towels and throwing on a pair of baggy sweatpants and a old grey t-shirt to cover herself before rushing into the living room in blind panic and on weak legs, them yelling at her in concern as she collapsed on the sofa before Sweet Pea ran to get help with Fangs practically crying with her in concern as milliseconds turned to seconds and seconds turned to minutes which felt like hours, the memory of the complete and utter agony coursing through her veins as FP stitched it up with no strong painkillers to mask the pain, unable to go to the hospital because, A) she couldn't afford it, and B) they'd keep her in on suicide watch or some shit like that. It was fuzzy around the edges from her barely-conscious state, but the key details were razor sharp, stabbing at her over and over...

 

Cheryl continued to gaze right at her, thumb running vertically against her skin as she moved to sit cross legged in front of the shorter girl, frowning.

 

"What happened?" she asked curiously. Innocently.

 

Toni shook her head with a shrug, thinking only for a second before grimacing, and before she knew it was out, like verbal vomit in only a couple of breaths in between sobs… everything, the majority unexplained and obviously going to lead to more questions but she didn't care anymore. She just didn't want to think about it for a second longer, have Cheryl worrying about it and her anymore than needs be, ideally not at all – _she_ was the one hurt here, not her, couldn't she see that? She was the one who needed to help her, not the other way around, the serpent's issues a hell of a lot less pressing than those of the northsider, who had undoubtably been through hell-all and was still going through hell-all.

 

"I j-just didn't want to d-deal anymore-e. W-with anything," Toni's voice was trembling dreadfully, tears falling before she couldn't even begin to register them building up. "It- I couldn't… I just couldn't continue like that anymore. I didn't w-want to, I felt like th-" she trailed off at once upwards glance at Cheryl, one single gaze into her sorrowful, hurt eyes which had only turned a shade darker at the story, collecting herself with a ragged breath as her throat went dry. "My parents were g-g-gone… my uncle hated me… he still does hate me, Cheryl, that's why we're at Sweet Pea's place rather than mine-" she scoffed, rolling her eyes. _Not that she had a place._ "I essentially didn't have a family left, besides the serpents, and I was s-sick of trying-g to find somewhere to st-stay at night… I was just lost and alone and confused and everything just kept spiralling until it became unbearable… I felt so alone, y'know?"

 

_Yes,_ Cheryl thought to herself sadly as she listened. _She did know. More than the other girl knew she did, way more, feeling her heart seize at the memory of her own close shave with the grim reaper, but remaining silent. This was Toni's time to let go. She'd tell her one day, but maybe today wouldn't be it and she wouldn't force today to be it, not when the two of them were already torn to shreds._

 

"I didn't mean to… at least I don't think I planned it out," the shorter girl sounded out, shuddering again as she bit back a sob, her lips raw and borderline bleeding as she chewed and chewed and chewed at them. "I don't remember what happened… I was lost and upset and I wasn't thinking straight, and I just went for a shower whilst the boys were in the next room watching some sports thing on TV, and the next thing I knew I was realising that I hadn't written a n-note and there was s-so much blood and I just- I just _panicked-_ "

 

_God_ – the whole thought brought up a load of awful memories which she didn't want to think of right this instant. Whatever details she could think of made her shudder, and she swore that night that she'd never say what happened out loud, too afraid of the truth. Like with her mother's death, and her father's death, this would indefinitely be something else which would haunt her for the rest of her days - things which she didn't want to admit had ever happened, and had happened with her involved. They'd replay every so often, on the anniversaries of certain dates embedded deep within her mind like an itch that couldn't be scratched, like a church tower clock whose bell would sound with that awful, ringing noise systematically at certain times only, forcing her to look up and think about _everything_ that had happened.

 

The panic when she realised that she didn't want to go through with it anymore – _but had she ever?_ Had she meant for it to happen, or was it like that time a couple of months before than where she'd found herself with the same pills her mother had taken in her hand in front of the bathroom sink, or even the time a few months before that when she'd found herself standing at the edge of the quarry, the two year anniversary of the day her mother had in fact taken her own life, trembling with fear and adrenaline as she all but dared herself to take that one step forward but just _didn't_ when she opened the messaging app to find a series of panicked texts from Sweet Pea asking where the _hell_ she had disappeared to, them eventually finding her sat bawling ten metres back from the edge after she'd realised how scared she was and how she didn't even know if that was what she wanted, guilt eventually catching up to her when she considered how Fangs and Sweet Pea would be when they found out what could have happened and resulting in her sending a text stating only her location in lowercase, jumbled letters with trembling fingers...

 

Cheryl's heart felt like a boulder in her chest, too heavy to handle as her eyes were turned raw with tears which just kept coming, stinging her eyes like lemon in an open wound but not at all equating to the pain she felt listening to this story as it was told. She swallowed, exhaling shakily with her words after that coming out hoarse with tears. "What happened after that?"

 

Toni nodded, her facing crumpling as more tears fell, wind whistling down her throat as she gulped down air, sniffling as she turned her face away in shame, pulling her arm away the same as her vision blurred over and she felt _too_ vulnerable, _too_ exposed with her damaged skin on show even to this over girl who, _hell_ , she perhaps trusted more than anybody else in the world, who she knew wasn't out to hurt her…

 

"It was all such a blur," she whispered, trying yet failing hard to keep the tears at bay. "I just–" she paused to catch her breath, shaking her head as she seemed to disregard something she had just thought of. "Fangs was crying," Cheryl gasped, unable to picture the serpent crying regardless of how kind he was to her, his brothers, and of course Toni. "I couldn't afford to go to the hospital, being... well-" _poor and homeless and all_ "-so we got FP to stitch it up at home using one of the first aid kits in the trailer park which we use for mainly the aftermaths of street fights...less severe stab wounds, slashes, bloody eyebrows and stuff like that. It killed like a bitch, and I couldn't get out of bed for days after because I was just so fucking _ashamed_ of what I'd done, just too scared to face the world… no doubt it would get around to all of the serpents, my grandfather included. That was what I was most scared about – him facing the fact that maybe his granddaughter w-would do what his own d-d-daughter did and be s-successful as-s well-l-l-"

 

At the word of who Cheryl could only presume to be the girl's mother, Toni started crying hard all over again, thick tears rolling down blotchy cheeks as she hugged her arm close to her chest, knees tucked up to her chin as her whole body shook with the violence of the sobs she was crying. The redhead was quick to wrap her arms back around the other girl, gently rubbing her back as she cried into her chest and hushing her, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, but she felt so lost; she'd only been on the receiving end of this before, and she didn't know how to calm somebody down from a breakdown the way the brunette seemed to confident in doing in _her_ worst moments. Cheryl had been so love-deprived her whole life that she didn't know what to do, her mother never caring for her in that way when she was upset about something. Her mother was often the one causing her pain, in fact…

 

And Toni didn't even seem to _have_ a mother. Not anymore, at least. She was itching to know, but she didn't want to put the other girl in even more emotional pain than she was evidently in right now. She was sobbing wholeheartedly, every nerve trembling at once and Cheryl just didn't know what to do or feel as her own tears fell thick and fast.

 

Toni had attempted suicide. Even thought it was years back now - or so she assumed judging by the way the scar was faded to a much paler colour, still risen and jagged against her skin but it wasn't that noticeable in hindsight, and she'd only started to notice it this past day or so - Toni had attempted suicide. Attempted, but not committed, but the differences were slim, being that one resulted in being six feet under and the other didn't.

 

And so had she. Her father had been successful, not that it was a loss to the world in the same way, but she _hadn't_. Toni hadn't, either, thank every deity ever, but her mother _had_ , and she could really tell from the other girl's body language that her mother was a million times more meaningful to her than Cheryl's father had been to Cheryl. Clifford Blossom's suicide had been hard-hitting enough, springing tears from her eyes for days and the memory of his dead body swaying in the wind in that barn that night the world seemed to have ground to a halt still haunted her, still made her feel sick, the way his life had left his body just like that at the break of a neck, yet she _hated_ the fucking man as a human, but that status was apparently gone in her head, instead replaced with words such as 'sociopath', 'animal', 'murderer', 'sick'...

 

Cheryl still had days where she thought hard about what she did. She'd think about her intentions, one moment scoffing at how ridiculous she had been and the next wishing she'd been successful. She'd wonder more frequently was if anyone cared if she had died on that icy October day. Veronica. Archie. Josie. Kevin. Betty. Even Jughead, who she'd never quite seen eye to eye with and still didn't, she guessed.

 

More often than that, the redhead wonder what her mother would have done if her daughter wasn't to come home one day. Would she care? Notice? The questions circulated in her head, her wondering in great depth how her mother would have react both overtly and covertly if she were to open the heavy oak and stained glass door of Thornhill Manor to find Sheriff Keller outside, telling her with a pitiful expression about her daughter's fate.

 

She'd told Veronica about those thoughts of hers couple of times - desperate to just talk to somebody, feeling so lost with her mother in hospital for her burns the majority of the time whilst she tried to busy herself in the smaller bedroom of her new building of residence ('home' didn't seen very fitting) - maybe a week after what had happened and then on random other dates later on, calling and probably awaking her in the middle of her night with those sorts of questions. And the latina had sighed at them sympathetically, tried to stay on the phone with her, interrogating her about her emotions and pleading for her to go around to her house or Betty's or Archie's or somebody else's for the night just so that she knew she would be safe, telling her that she was going to take her to the school counsellor the next day (although Cheryl had refused over and over outside the door, knowing that her mother would find out if she did and being scared to the bone of the following up consequences). Veronica had constantly repeated to her that she couldn't let herself get caught up in what happened at Sweetwater that day, that it would only take her to darker places, but at that point Cheryl had always hung up and declined the next attempted calls, knowing but refusing to admit that she wouldn't win those verbal battles.

 

She inhaled, focusing back in as more and more heart-wrenching sobs sounded, running a chill through her bones, finding herself wiping away her own heavy tears at the sight of this poor, beautiful, selfless being who she now lovingly called her girlfriend as she broke into a million pieces, and she moved to embrace her in her arms, gripping her tightly and praying that something she did would help her in one way or another.

 

_"Shh, TT... come here..."_

 

The brunette leaned across the gap between them with little hesitation, craving the other girl's touch and embrace desperately as she whined against her chest, letting go of every tear which had been built up inside over all these years, sobbing harder every time the redhead said something to her in that soft tone, every time she considered whether or not the same thing or something similar may have happened if something worse had happened to Cheryl ( _that,_ she decided, _was apparently possible despite how awful reality had been anyways_ ), knowing full well that life without the taller girl now they she had fallen flat on her face for her would be unbearable, until eventually - however long it had been - she stopped in exhaustion, no more tears left to cry and her throat feeling almost metallic with it being so raw from wailing against her so loudly, resorting to choking back small sniffles instead as she sat there completely still, breathing heavily against the other girl's paler skin.

 

_The ability to breathe was so fucking underrated, God-_

 

"I'm sorry for bringing it up," the redhead whispered against the other girl's forehead, voice apologetic when there really was no reason for it to be, Toni shaking her head as firmly as she could muster against Cheryl's neck in protest, swallowing hard and cringing at the brief soreness in her throat which came with the action as she did just that.

 

"It was going to come out at some point," the other girl mumbled, wiping her eyes with the back of the shaking hand she brought up to her cheeks before pulling away from the redhead, sniffling loudly as lifted herself off the couch and wandered around the back of it, grabbing some comfier clothes from the pile by the wall where she kept her stuff and tossing them over to Cheryl with a wry smile as she pulled her jeans down her calves. "It's getting late, so... I'll dish up that pasta for us whilst you get dressed-"

 

_Hell no was she putting up a front after all that. Hypocritical of her, one may argue, but the serpent had just shared one of her deepest, darkest secrets and no fucking way was she going to disregard it right now, not when her cheeks were still shining despite the poor lighting with how wet they were from her tears and-_

 

"-and then maybe we can talk some more."

 

The redhead sighed audibly in relief as she flashed the other girl a smile, trying not to stare too hard nor noticeably at the exposed skin of the shorter girl's tanned legs and stomach as she changed into a pair of mid-calf leggings and an oversized navy hoody before heading into the kitchen and grabbing two plates from the overhead cupboard to the left of the stove, Cheryl unable to help herself from smiling at the way she stood on her tiptoes to reach them. When the redhead tried to lift herself up from the couch her knees shook, her whole body feeling so _fucking_ exhausted as she pulled off Toni's slim-fitting jacket and then the hoody and jeans and t-shirt.

 

"Did the jacket do a decent job at keeping you warm out there?"

 

Cheryl shrugged, picking it up from besides her and pushing the item of clothing towards the pink-haired girl, but not before tracing her fingertips around the appliqued design on the back, Toni tossing it aside as she placed two plates of tomato pasta on the coffee table, smiling as the other girl murmured a quiet _'thank you'_ and picked it up, pushing the pieces of penne around. It was definitely overdone, resembling little more than a sticky mess of yellow and red, but it was food, and it warmed her belly and _Toni_ had made it and she was so fucking hungry right now that it didn't matter one bit-

 

"So I guess you want to know about my parents?"

 

Cheryl glanced up from her plate, frown deepening as she looked at the other girl and the mess she had become in this past half hour or however long it had been. Her eyes were blotchy but her tears had dried, although she was still appearing to tremble, her fork vibrating against the ceramic as she stabbed multiple pieces which didn't seem to be travelling very far from the plate.

 

_She didn't look great,_ Cheryl decided, feeling physically torn between the yes and the no, like one side of her was being pulled in one direction and the other wanting to travel far away from that. Tonight had been hard on them both, Cheryl already feeling so fucking _guilty_ about bringing up one topic and then another, so fucking _angry_ at herself for having that sort of reaction to a fucking _motorcycle_ outside a fucking _bar_ which had led them to this scenario; but seeing Toni, of all people in the world, hurting in that way was probably one of the worst things she'd ever encountered, and she was swore that she never wanted to see that other, strong, amazing saviour of hers in pain like that ever again.

 

With that idea, she found herself nodding slowly, swallowing hard as she struggled to work out whether she was doing right or not.

 

_This was going to come up sooner or later,_ she thought to herself. _May as well make this night worse than it already was than just sleep on it._

 

The serpent swiped at her eyes again before placing the plate of pasta back on the coffee table with a deep, broken-sounding sigh.

 

"You don't have to say anything you don't want to, though."

 

Toni's eyes shot straight back up to the redhead's hazel ones, which were so filled with understanding. _Of course._ She'd told her in almost every conversation about the Sisters, after every nightmare or panic attack since Wednesday night, that she wasn't to say anything she didn't feel comfortable saying, or just didn't want to say.

 

_She was trying to make this even._

 

Still, the serpent found herself simply shaking her head with a sharp inhale of breath whistling down her throbbing throat and filling her lungs, trying to smile back as both an apology and an act of gratitude for what the other girl was offering up. The redhead, despite how broken she was with her mental health probably all but shattered on the floor after tonight's 'events', was trying. Fuck, she was trying so hard to do what the serpent had done to try and help _her_ , and it was both filling her with pride and tugging at her heartstrings, but here she was refusing that offer of hers.

 

"No-" she started, gulping down another load of air "-no, Cher - I have to say this... god knows when I will if I don't right now," she shook her head again, - shuffling an inch closer to the redhead as she laughed humourlessly with a slight shrug of her shoulders. "Tonight has been hard enough anyway - it can't get much worse, hmm?"

 

Cheryl barely realised she was waiting for a response, seeing it as more of a rhetorical question than anything else up until that point, eventually nodding and humming to it. More than anything else she just wanted to _know_ so, so badly. She wanted to know about the other girl, her life, her parents, her family, her uncle... everything about her, some of which she'd managed to figure out from small portions of things Toni and Fangs and Sweet Pea had said to her. It was pretty much a now or never situation - or, at least, now or some unknown point whenever in the either near or distant future - but she still had to play kind, still had to respect her emotions tonight.

 

_"Okay."_

 

"If-" the serpent paused to steady herself "-if any of this happens to be triggering in any way or anything - please just tell me, okay? And we can talk about that later, or I can just skip anything besides the key details, or-"

 

_Here she is, about to commence what would probably be her second breakdown of the night, still looking out for Cheryl. Fuck, this girl was an angel reincarnated._

 

"TT - just _talk_ , please? I'll tell you if it's too much, I promise. And, don't tell me anything you don't want to. This is how this how this is working, both ways around, right?"

 

_Fuck, since when had she-_

 

"I will."

 

Toni nodded, sighing as she hesitated, chocolate brown eyes glazing over and vision turning hazy for a second as she tried to think about what to say. Where do you start in a life story? With the happy beginning, or from when things begin to take their turn south, or-

 

"My parents are dead."

 

Oh.

 

_Oh._

 

It wasn't something which Cheryl hadn't thought about, because that had been the angle she had been more or less expecting. Her parents were absent, and Toni hadn't said anything which would in any way make her believe that they were present, and she assumed that there weren't many other explanations for that. But the truth, when spoken, felt like a knife to the heart, a blow to reality, and a confirmation of what she had hoped to be nothing besides a possibility.

 

"They both died when I was eleven. About six or seven months apart."

 

"TT, I-"

 

The redhead rummaged around for words, but she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to comfort grieving people, but she knew just how hard a death of a loved one was, and, even though he'd never been all that nice to her and she swore to god that she hated him for all evil he had done, she knew what the death of a _parent_ felt like. It was like a piece of you was missing which would never return. After everything about her father had come out, and she'd come to terms with the fact that she was not going to be seeing him ever again in her life when he'd more or less been there every single day since her birth _(Had he been overly present? Not particularly. Had he cared? Not at all. But had he been in existence? Yes)_ , it had felt like everything had collapsed in on itself and that part of her had been stolen from her. He was the reason she had existed, after all, Jason too, and what was to happen when he was gone? Only time had told, and how she wished what she had done wasn't ingrained in her memory and coming to her mind every single day to haunt her, nightmares of ice cold water and falling and death and near-death-

 

For the other girl, she could tell that it was different. She could tell that her parents weren't like hers. She could tell that the sting of the pain of confirmation for the shorter girl had been so much more severe than it had been for her.

 

"My dad was murdered in a Ghoulie attack," she continued, and Cheryl was so lost in her thoughts that she swore she had missed half of the words she'd said before then. "We had gone out to buy groceries or whatever, and the next second we knew we were surrounded by them. And it soon became pretty clear to me that they were threatening him with my life-" Cheryl's heart stopped at the thought of Toni being in fear like that, Toni being threatened like that, and Toni most probably seeing him... _no-_ "-and I remember one of them grabbing me, and my dad yelling for help and throwing the first punch. One of the older serpents who was friends with my grandfather was suddenly there and he managed to get me out of that guy's grip and he tried to pull me back out of the danger zone but-"

 

The pink-haired girl sniffled as she wiped her eyes, a sob threatening her as her bottom lip wobbled.

 

It was like she was fucking there, reliving all of this with the memories being so picture clear as the whole scenario just replayed in her head, almost as if her brain had video-recorded the moment and the file wouldn't fucking delete itself. She remembered the way her voice had sounded as she screamed for her father, watching and struggling against that older serpent's strong grasp before she noticed a flash of metal out of the corner of her and then a-

 

"They s-shot h-him..." she blurted at, more sobs coming as the other girl could only stare with her own tears falling down her face...

 

_... no... just no..._

 

Cheryl felt like she couldn't move, unable to raise her hand or open her mouth to comfort the other girl, gaping in shock at the story as she tried to swallow past the lump building in her throat-

 

_God, how she just wanted to help her as those sobs wracked her body endlessly-_

 

There was more to it. The whole night would replay in Toni's head, every detail memorised out her control, and she'd find herself thinking about the exact sound of the police sirens as they once again made their journeys from the station to the southside, the way her throat had gone hoarse from her guttural screams as she wrestled against the older, stronger man, well over a foot taller than her, begging for him to let her go so she could go and see her father has he lay unconscious and never to be conscious again on the pavement, surrounded by a pool of crimson on that patch of asphalt she could still identify to this day. She could still remember how she was taken to the police station, pulled away by an officer kicking and screaming as her father's now-lifeless was put into a bodybag with no care in the world, the coroners doing their job as they did day after day after day with seemingly no remorse, and then just gone forever before she was taken into one of the sheriff's offices, crying endlessly as he tried to comfort her to no avail whilst at the same trying to get a word about what happened out of her, eventually giving up and resorting to telling her about his son of the same age, the meaning of the words not registering with the whole event just replaying over and over like a broken record until her mother arrived to take her back to their apartment.

 

To this day she still hated herself for not saying anything, because as far as she was aware those ghoulies who murdered her father and tried to do the same to her were still out there, roaming the streets, for all she knew looking for more blood to add an extra layer to their filthy hands, no justice achieved.

 

"That was the night my mom started to drink," she uttered shakily, sniffling in between words and sobs as she tried to get rid of those tears which just kept streaming down her cheeks. Cheryl too was crying with her, shaking her head as she tried not to think about what she all but knew would be coming soon-

 

"She just told me to go to bed, and when I woke up in the morning there were bottles of vodka all over the kitchen counter."

 

_Fuck, why did she sound like a fucking charity case? This was just her life, and she had to live with it whether she wanted to or not, and maybe it seemed so easy to talk about in that way because, hard as it had been, she knew little else than her parents dying before she was even a teenager-_

 

"And we were okay before then, Cheryl-" she shuddered"-we were southsiders, sure, my parents were both serpents and I was pretty much destined to be one too, and I didn't mind that because Fangs and Sweet Pea wanted to join as well and I never really had that many aspirations in life." Maybe she had thought about college once or twice, but how many eleven year olds thought about college on a regular basis? And it wasn't like she could afford to go, and she didn't mind the southside - the housing was cheap and the level of crime could be managed, deprived inner city areas elsewhere not all that much safer than what she already knew, she knew pretty much everyone in serpent territory - and Riverdale and its surrounding areas were pretty, so she never really saw much of a point, with photography probably able to get her somewhere decent if she were to buy a better DSLR than her mother's old Pentax. "But even the cheapest alcohol isn't cheap, and it would be prioritised over more important stuff sometimes, and not being able to afford much with m-my d-dad n-no longer there to help raise income only made us sink farther, and my mom's depression and addiction kept spiralling until drugs came into it as well..."

 

Toni took a deep breath in, pushing a strand of her own hair back quickly as she angled her eyes straight down to the floor, staring at the stain on the carpet as her vision blurred over with tears, chest heaving as she swallowed hard.

 

"I just wanted her to _stop_ , Cheryl-" the serpent uttered weakly in a voice the redhead had never heard to be so strained and weak, too afraid of breaking down all over again to look up to meet her gaze, that followed by a high-pitched whine as she tried so hard to keep her tears at bay but was just struggling and struggling and _failing..._ "I knew where things like that l-led to, I lived in a run-down block of apartments on the southside, after all, and my parents never hid things like that from me - for my own safety." As far as Cheryl had been aware at that age, the only drugs in existence were pharmaceuticals and she only types of alcohol she had heard of were rum and champagne and, of course, wine and beer, because obviously there were other influences in the world besides her family, but now she was guessing that Toni would have been a lot more aware. "I'd tell her to s-stop and she'd say that she was sorry for it, and I believed her because she was never like that before, she was the best person in my life and she never did anything but care for me, but she _didn't_ stop. She'd spent those eleven years telling me to avoid that peer pressure, Cheryl, and there she was, smoking and drinking to no avail whilst I went to bed every night imagining the worst, until I c-came h-home from school one d-day and it had really just happened and-"

 

She was gone to her emotions once again, crying so hard that it sounded animal-like, scaring the redhead as Cheryl shook her head in apology and blinked away her own tears as the other girl broke down, unable to say anything as she reached with trembling hands to her shoulders, the taller girl not for a second taking hesitation in leaning into the embrace as heart-wrenching sobs began to wrack the other girls body.

 

_Enough was enough... she was so broken and she hated to see the other girl in such a state like that, gasping for breath as she squeezed Cheryl's shoulders so tightly in her embrace, crying into her shoulder but the tears not looking like they were going to stop at any point in the very near future..._

 

"Shhh, TT, I'm h-here-" Cheryl stuttered, sniffling as she tried to put two and two together. Fuck, she'd been through it all; from her father to her mother, she'd seen two dead bodies by the age of eleven, and what had _she_ been doing at that age? Squabbling uselessly with Jason about something irrelevant to today? Making a mountain out of a molehill with stupid school little school assessments based on the easiest topics ever? Trying to listen in on her father's business deals in his oak-panelled study she wasn't on any count allowed to enter, getting bored when she figured that she didn't understand anything being said? "Fuck, TT, I'm so, so sorry, I-" The pink-haired girl only sobbed louder to that, loud whimpers escaping her with even louder sobs of emotional agony-

 

She was eleven. Maybe the brunette _did_ know of it; maybe she knew that it existed and that people could die of an overdose or something. But still, she didn't really understand what suicide or anything mental health based was then, she couldn't grasp the idea that her mother had chosen to die because of how her heart had been shredded by some other bastard's decision that her partner would die. What she _had_ known full well that her parents were dead, that they were gone, there was no way that they'd ever come back for her, and that she was now classed as an orphan and god knew what would end up happening to her.

 

And maybe that had been what had led her to standing at the edge of that quarry that day years on from that. What had led her to leaving herself with scars for years to haunt her of that she'd once done if she did so much as simply try to forget about it.

 

Because she would never get to see her mother's warm smile and loving eyes again, or listen to her father rev up his motorbike, blowing dust with it on a dry summer's afternoon, nor would she be taught to ride one by him like he'd promised her every time when she'd asked him to ever since she could remember. That promise had been broken, as had her mother's heart, then her life shattering after that as she was eventually left in the hands of her uncle, who she barely knew and in no way trusted, that proving to be a good decision of hers now that he was locking her out night after night, not giving half a shit about anything to do with her. At least she wasn't left feeling disappointed and rejected and abandoned whenever he locked her out, having no expectations of him back then. For all _he_ knew, _she_ was the reason her family was dead, and the more times he told her that to her face, cheap alcohol rich on his breath as she shuffled backwards as subtly as she could in nothing but fear of what he'd be strong enough to do to her, the more and more she started to believe it to be true.

 

_Her father would have been alive if they hadn't threatened her young life, because he was of course panicked in that situation and not thinking straight._

 

_Her mother wouldn't have been heartbroken by that if he'd still been there, lived through that, and she'd never have turned to the bottle. And, even if her father was gone, even if that fate was sealed, she could have survived if only her daughter hadn't be stood still as a statue in the hallway in nothing but shock and blind panic and had gone to get help immediately, or at least just picked up the phone and called 911 in the instant._

 

_They could be alive if it weren't for her doing. And maybe if she'd done better, Cheryl wouldn't have been pulled away by her mother, taken god knows where, potentially to her death bed or somewhere far, far away from her embrace of safety._

 

_Fuck, this was all her fault. Everything had been her fault, her doing, and-_

 

"Cheryl- I- I-"

 

"Shhh... none of this is your fault, TT," Cheryl whispered, combing her fingers through the serpent's pink and brown waves as she tried dreadfully to keep her voice steady as she cried silently herself, her own heart seizing at the mere thought of what had happened. Sure, she'd been struck down by _a hell of a lot_ of family-inflicted pain, pain which had taken her to unspeakable lows she was still yet to tell Toni of - _not tonight, don't you dare bring any more fucking pain to tonight after everything which had been pronounced_ \- but hearing of the other girl's pain was arguably worse than feeling it. Hearing of pain of somebody you love more than any other being in existence, pain which had audibly and visibly broken them down in just a short discussion of it, pain which almost fucking killed them...

 

_No... she couldn't..._

 

"If-"

 

"Toni, shh, please..."

 

"I still blame myself for what your mother did," she managed out between hard sobs, chest clenching painfully around her lungs which made it hard to breathe, a million painful blows against her ribs which wanted to stop her from that simple, subconscious vitality. " _I'm_ why my parents aren't here - everyday I wake up and think about it and I can't stop myself from feeling so fucking guilty about them d-d-dyi-"

 

Cheryl shook her head.

 

" _Don't_ , Toni," she sighed, gulping and causing more tears to spring to her eyes, "please _don't_. None of this is your fault, I swear to you. It's my mother's, every bit of it, and I've told you that so many times, TT."

 

"I could have done something. I regret that more than anything else-"

 

_What would it take for her to believe her?_ she wondered, so unsure of what to respond with to try and persuade the shorter girl that she was right.

 

"Law enforcement is shit defined in this town, they wouldn't have let you," Cheryl chuckled to herself, shaking her head and unable to keep herself from smiling as the other girl let a shaky laugh slip as well. _An attempt to raise the mood? May as well try it._

 

"True-" she croaked out. The redhead smiled, pulling away as the brunette whimpered at the loss of movement, leaning into the touch of the pale hands which cupped her cheeks as the pads of the thumbs wiped away her tears, drying her face of that wetness, the action almost being enough to make her start crying all over again, but she was too exhausted and her eyes felt so red and raw, and there couldn't _possibly_ be any more to come...

 

"True." The redhead repeated that more firmly, cocking her head to the side as a trigger, nodding after she removed her hands as she tried to encourage the shorter girl to do the same.

 

True. Whether she agreed with it or not, like it or disliked it, what the other girl was saying was true and she wasn't going to doubt the person whose father had killed their son and mother had been endlessly cruel towards her, the person who she was feeling so fucking sorry for hurting, after all, blaming herself for not saving her when, apparently, she _had_ saved her, done everything in her control to do the correct thing, and come out successful in that-

 

"Listen to me, TT," Cheryl whispered to her, corners of her mouth raising in the smallest, sweetest smile which was really beginning to cross her firm tone. "It's not your family, or lack of one, that defines you, TT. Take that from somebody who knows."

 

Toni hummed to that, sighing as she stared back at Cheryl, taking in every facial feature she could in the dim light of the room yet again, and besides the tear tracks that she just _knew_ were marring her cheeks as well, she was so fucking beautiful, so fucking beautiful that she didn't even take notice that she was leaning forward, cupping her cheek in her hand as she brought her own lips to the other girl's, the redhead doing the same before she could stop herself, and, _fuck_ , she felt so _loved_ , receiving almost everything she'd felt she'd missed out on since her parents had died in a split second and painfully believing that it would be enough.

 

_More than enough, at that,_ Cheryl thought the same as she felt a hand reach under her t-shirt, fingers faintly tracing over her ribs and up her right side and causing the serpent's muscles to tense until they reached the black material of her bra, groaning as the redhead deepened the kiss, desperately trying to make up for what the other girl had craved across all these years, everything _she_ had craved across all these years, and she wanted to _so fucking badly_ but she couldn't let this continue, not when they were both recovering from emotional breakdowns and neither of them were thinking straight, any sense of what they were doing or feeling blurred beyond a certain level of recognition and she knew that continuing any further may only lead to later regret for the wrong decision potentially made-

 

The redhead whined as she pulled away with a pant, trying to continue but Toni held her hand up to stop her in resignation, and after everything with Nick she knew that she couldn't ignore her, eyes filling with pain at that memory and expression becoming questioning as she stared back at the serpent, her cheekbone still cupped with one hand and stroking the skin above in a rhythmic motion with her thumb.

 

"I want you," the serpent murmured through shallower breaths, reaching up to wipe one of her own fallen tears with her other hand as she shook her head carefully, "but no - not tonight. Not when you're in pain, and I'm in pain, and we're vulnerable and not thinking straight, okay?"

 

Cheryl whined deep in her throat but didn't push, the pink-haired girl shaking her head still as she gazed up with those chocolate brown eyes once again.

 

"I don't want for this to escalate and for anything to happen which we might regret, Cheryl, okay?" she smiled softly which somewhat betrayed her more serious tone, leaning forward to press another kiss to the other girl’s paler forehead, her breathing returning to normal at long last as she spoke calmly and sincerely, warm breath travelling over the other girl’s skin. "It's still early days; I don't want to head into anything too soon, especially not right now, alright? In the future, maybe, yes, of course, but we just can't in this instant."

 

And Cheryl understood.

 

The last time she'd been in pain had been when she'd sent those things to Josie, craving the attention she'd been so deprived of, found herself practically addicted to, at the same time unable to thank her for saving her from Nick in a rational way, so confused about everything and too scared that she too would leave her, just like Jason had, and Heather and...

 

... that, of course, had been all brought on by Nick, violating her in the way that he did, but she didn't know about the real side of him before then, she wasn't careful, and at that stage all she wanted was to be loved, if not by him by her mother, for trying to be with a boy for once, the memory of how she’d treated her that ounce nicer when she’d tried with Archie... but Nick has been one irrational decision, too many ‘don’t give a shits’, and, fuck, look where _that_  had led her...

 

... the time before that – burning down Thornhill. The most idiotic thing she might have done ever, the competition to that being going down the Sweetwater not long before that, all hope lost. Maybe some had been found, who knew? But she figured that she wanted a new beginning, a new life; to get rid of the mansion which was so haunted by her released sobs as her parents had lashed out at her both physically and emotionally for as long as she could remember, the smell of her father's cologne still on her nostrils wherever she went, Jason's room still untouched and like he was coming home when he wasn't, and her mother was still violating her in the way she had always, if not worse than before after her father, the youngest redhead being too broken down and damaged to fight back at that point. And she couldn't stand to see that beautiful staircase and Jason's chair at the dinner table of that fireplace which had always burned next to the tall Christmas tree in winter in the living room where so many memories had been made, some good but so many more of them bad, for a second longer, leading to that decision on impulse that she wanted nothing more than to get rid of it... all of it...

 

Cheryl Blossom undoubtably made terrible decisions every time she was broken. She had no plans on ruining _this_ as well, what she was living for in all its entirety, no clue how the fuck she would live if she ruined this like she had everything else, scared of losing all of this in a way she never had done before.

 

"God, I'm tired," the shorter girl said suddenly, yawning loudly besides Cheryl, which made her giggle as she rested the side of her head upon her shoulder. Laugh all she wanted, but the redhead couldn't exactly disagree. _What time was it, anyway?_ Midnight? Well past that, she assumed. She was brought out of her thoughts by the brunette clucking her tongue to get the mutt on the other couch's attention, the redhead noticing the loss of contact with her other girl’s body as it happened with the brunette heaving herself up from the sofa eventually and picking up the plates of barely touched, probably cold pasta from the coffee table and heading into the kitchen with them.

 

"You can't feed a dog pasta, TT," Cheryl found herself saying with an amused, faux-stern tone, groaning as she lay down the second her back met the sofa, and she pulled a blanket over her shoulders with a shiver, head propped up on her elbow as she peered into the kitchen where Toni was pushing their uneaten food into the metal dog bowl with her fork.

 

"What, do _you_ want to eat that disaster?"

 

Well, she couldn't exactly _agree._

 

"Hot Dog is an ex-stray. He was probably used to eating cigarette ends and mouldy burgers on the daily before the serpents rescued him. And it means that we don't have to feed him tomorrow morning, I guess, so _that’s_ a bonus," she shrugged, patting the side of his ribcage affectionately as she placed the food on the floor before wandering back in, turning the light off as she went and pulling the blanket covering Cheryl up to get under as well as soon as she collapsed down on the sofa bed beside her, shuffling as close as she could to the redhead without landing herself upon any loose springs in the furniture, propping herself up to face Cheryl with her fingers threading through her red locks with a small smile in her face. “You okay?”

 

“Mm.”

 

The taller girl shrugged and nodded, smiling the same regardless of whether or not the other girl was likely to see it in the darkness.

 

“I’m getting there, TT,” she replied quietly. “Are _you_ okay?”

 

“Me too, Bombshell,” she chuckled below her breath, yawning loudly as she went to lay herself back down on her right side. “We’re getting there.”

 

Sleep came fairly quickly for the two of them, and for the first time in a while it came with peace, Hot Dog eventually curling up across Toni’s thighs as he always seemed to as well, like their own little guardian angel, doing what the two were doing for each other for the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats on surviving... I guess, lmao?! Leave a comment or something if you please?! Hopefully things look up a little from now, or so I say... Anyway, it’s 1am here and god I’m tired so... erm... bye? Also, happy mutt day to Hot Dog, because apparently that’s a thing? Thank youuu so much for reading!


	20. Chapter 19

_Apparently, returning to school after nearly three weeks off is terrifying,_ Cheryl decided when she set foot outside the red-bricked building on the frosty grass of the green up front.

 

First off, somebody (if not everybody) would pick up on her absence, straight up tell her that she'd been off for so long, and probably then proceed to ask just why that had been the case if they hadn't already, no regard for her feelings nor privacy.

 

It wasn't like Cheryl Blossom to miss school, nor was it like she was some random kid nobody paid much attention to, so of course someone or another would be asking about what had happened today. Captain of the River Vixens. HBIC. Miss 4.0 GPA (which may or may not have dropped down with all that time she'd missed... truly, curse Penelope Blossom). Her hair was recognisable from a mile away, her attitude similar. Not to be big-headed at all, but _of course_ people would notice that she had been gone for that long. In all honestly, most people would notice if anyone was gone for so long. If not the students, which were pretty easy to ignore the budding questions of, her teachers would notice her disappearance and _hell_ would they question why she'd missed so much lesson time, that being in the privacy of outside in the corridor or at their desk at the end of the lesson or just outright asking in the middle of class.

 

That was what scared Cheryl the most: confrontation. She'd never liked it, it being a popular way of life in the Blossom household in which she'd grown up, but that dislike had been heightened considerably since July 4th last year, the redhead still traumatised by the questions of the press, the police, the courts, the services, and so on. A reminder of that day she had to lie to the judge about forgiving FP Jones for his role in her brother's death and disposal of his body, the way Betty threatened her with that cursed video file which had driven her to the unimaginable not only in the locker room but in the actual courtroom when she was up on the stands, the memory of that and the fear she'd been experiencing at that point still haunting her. She didn't need any more throwbacks to that stage of her life. Not today. Not after all this Sisters Of Quiet Mercy shit barely being over, the aftermath of that in fact just beginning.

 

_Fuck,_ if she was going to try to shut that place down, _the redhead thought to herself as dread coursed through her veins, she'd be subject to so many more confrontations, end up sat in so many more courtrooms and talking about all the pain she'd endured which she'd barely accepted to have happened to herself, still being so far off telling Toni the entire story of what had happened there._

 

_Her scars and bruises were fading by the second, she needed to pluck up the courage to do that now or forever hold her piece._

 

Toni could sense her fear, feeling her hand quiver within hers and almost hear her rapid heartbeat as it pulsed harshly and quickly in her chest. The frosty air meant that she could see every shallow breath exiting her lungs as small clouds of vapour appeared in front of her, and the redhead has begun to fidget with her spare hand and the hem of her sleeve as anxiety took over, her stomach churning painfully as she weighed up every positive of walking through that door and tried to disregard all the negatives of doing the same.

 

"Hey," the serpent winced at how Cheryl flinched at the sound of her voice, as quiet and gentle as it was, frowning with her eyebrows furrowed in concern for the other girl as she reached up and cupped her cheek with her hand, rubbing her thumb along the cold, soft skin before she sighed. "Hey, Cheryl? We don't have to do this if you don't feel ready. I understand if you don't want to walk through those doors today, because, hell-"

 

_"I'll be okay, TT,"_ Cheryl interrupted through gritted teeth as a sudden shiver as as result of both anticipation and the cold morning air took over her body as if it was begging her to walk through those doors. She could tell that Toni was cold from the way she had clenched her jaw and every muscle of hers had tensed, the denim jacket she was wearing probably doing absolutely nothing and, fuck, it made her feel so guilty for them standing out there in the cold right now, freezing their asses off as she tried to work out whether to just go in or not.

 

That decision sounded so simple in her head but it really was far from. This was a massive deal. Massive. She hadn't slept an awful lot that previous night, so preoccupied with trying to figure out whether she really wanted to go back to school today or if she was even ready to. Toni had set her alarm with a pretty firm, "if you feel up to it in the morning, we'll see", and the redhead was still not one hundred percent sure but she so wanted to get back into that routine after all that had happened, and she wanted another distraction to everything with her mother and maybe thinking about academic things would be a better distraction than another season of _F.R.I.E.N.D.S_ \- which it turned out Toni loved as much as she did - would. But she was still so scared. What if her mother was there? What if Weatherbee had been given her strict order to call her at the sighting of the younger redhead within his walls? What if she'd been taken off the register and wasn't said to be a student there anymore, making things all so awkward and maybe even dangerous for her to step foot in the halls which had been her safe place, her escape from home, for so long?

 

Toni squeezed her hand again with a small, reassuring smile. She too was a lot more nervous about this than she was letting on, too. Her attendance was already poor and Weatherbee had a tendency for being harsher on the newly-migrated southside students, and hell, she needed to get back into this routine as much as Cheryl did before everything had flown straight out the window. But a lot had happened that weekend, so many tears had been shed in the safety and privacy of Sweet Pea's trailer in the company of each other and their furry companion who'd slept at their feet like a little guardian angel almost every night since the Sisters had happened, and the thought that they were now out in public, on the northside, probably within the easy reach of that bitch Cheryl was forced to call her mother, was nerve-wracking as hell.

 

What if Cheryl had another breakdown? What if things got tough later on in the day, maybe in a class she didn't share with her or with a teacher who didn't like to give out hall passes? Veronica and her had figured that each class of Cheryl's was shared with either one or both of them, Kevin too, and that gave Toni a sense of security because she knew that Cheryl trusted them, maybe not as much as she may have grown to trust the shorter girl but at least they knew what had happened and, as Toni had discovered via a series of texts twelve hours ago, Veronica had helped Cheryl through those panic attacks she was prone to having before. She'd been her only friend up until Toni had come into her life, and she'd been so grateful for that. Maybe she was still off with the fact that Veronica had left her alone in Riverdale when she'd gone on some 'couples weekend' or some shit like that, but having allies was something she appreciated a hell of a lot.

 

What she'd failed to think about was what would happen with Josie. _Josie_ had abandoned her. _Josie_ had portrayed her. As much as Toni understood her reasoning for bailing, she still wasn't happy about her being apparently fine with her ex-best friend being tortured in a conversion therapy asylum at all, and she doubted she ever would fully be.

 

"You ready to go in, then?"

 

Toni nudged the other girl's upper arm ever so gently, distracting her from her line of thought and earning a small, quick smile, the redhead gripping her hand just a bit tightly as she took the first step towards the large doors of Riverdale High, trying to keep her breathing as steady as possible and keep herself as collected as possible as she walked straight through the entrance and out of the cold outdoor world, making her inhale deeply, taking in the warmth and smell and noise of the building.

 

It felt just as she remembered. The only difference was that she had Toni right there by her side, hand in hers, and that alone gave the effect of a warmer filter compared to the cold, unsaturated, on the worst days plain black, white and shades of grey she had once been used to. To her relief, not many people she came across were staring visibly, but then she had her eyes angled to the ground, trying to hard not to be too caught up in other people's stares whenever they may come. And, after all, it was still early. Not everyone would be in school yet. She'd be shocked if even a quarter of students were in this building at this hour.

 

_Everything about this felt like a fucking terrible idea. Her hands were trembling more and more with every second spent in here as much as she tried to hide that and the fact that she was putting her all into not feeling anything should have been a telltale sign that this wasn't the right thing to do in any way, shape or form right now. But she had to get out at some point. The fresh air was doing her good, being somewhere public was doing her good besides the overwhelming anxiety surrounding her in relation to where her mother was or where she soon could be. She couldn't stay in that trailer forever, she knew that, and the longer she put this off for, the worse this would be, the harder it would be to leave through the front door of that tin box and through the large front doors of school. She had to leave that place at some point and step foot into the real world, and maybe this was a case of third time lucky. But then she couldn't help but worry, Toni thinking the same, with the last two times she'd been out in the world since everything with the Sisters being last Friday when she'd barely made it to Pops, and then that Saturday night after where she'd been at the Wyrm. The latter had ended in utter trauma, both girls clinging on to the other throughout the following night and practically glued to the hip for the whole of the next day - just yesterday, in fact, that making her realise just how much of a shit idea going to school for six hours straight, surrounded by people her age and figures of higher authority, just like the Sisters had been like - as if they were too afraid of crumbling if they were much further from each other. At school, they'd be a desk away - just under two metres - at the closest, up to being at completely opposite ends of the school at the furthest. It felt so overwhelming, spending an hour or two away from each other in some cases, but this was the road to recovery. This was the road to trying to get things back to the way they were, with the exception of things hopefully being happier and more carefree now that Toni was here._

 

Cheryl exhaled a loud sigh of relief when she opened her locker door to find that everything in there was remaining just as she had left it, not a single item moved from it's designated place nor a single textbook touched by a fly.

 

It was still hers. This was still _hers_.

 

"At least we know now that she hasn't taken your belongings," Toni chirped up beside her once the redhead had stayed quiet for a couple of moments in an emotion somewhere between shock, happiness, confusion and worry. Cheryl gave the shorter girl a small smile, wincing as she bit her lower lip and tried not to jump to conclusions. She'd spent so long fretting about what would happen if her items weren't in her locker anymore or she couldn't even _open_ her locker, an immediate sign that she was no longer classed as a student of this school and she'd definitely be having to go to Weatherbee's office and definitely would be having to come mouth to ear or - _even worse_ \- face to face with her mother. Moreover, she felt so relieved - so _normal_ \- to be stood in the main hallway of Riverdale High in front of her _own_ belongings, brushing her pale fingertips over the textbooks she'd left at school all this time and the few spare items of clothing she'd kept in her locker for 'emergencies'. This meant that her Vixens uniform would most likely still be hung up in her locker in the girl's changing room as well. It meant that she had things. She had her own identity back, to a small extent in the least, and it felt so amazing to be flicking through the pages of her own carefully looked after textbooks as opposed to the ones she'd been borrowing from Toni, which had understandably ended a little bashed up from her recently learned about unstable couch-crashing lifestyle. But, still, she couldn't get too excited from this, her mind whirring with other potential solutions to this, the possibility of this being a plan of her mothers in the back of her mind.

 

"Maybe she just hasn't cleared my stuff out yet, or she'd called Weatherbee and told him to ring her at any sighting of me," she thought aloud, turning to Toni, who had a concerned expression still on her face, the taller girl taking her own wobbling lip between her teeth as tears of worry threatened her eyes once again, her voice beginning to tremble. "W-we have to go and t-talk to him still... anything could have happened, and I don't want to walk in to first period and be called to main office to face the worst possible scenario with nobody at hand to help or-"

 

Toni hummed, pursing her lips. "Yeah."

 

"I'm scared, Toni," Cheryl admitted immediately, taking another textbook from the locker and hugging it to her chest. "What if-"

 

"Hey," the pink-haired serpent all but whispered, placing a hand on the redhead's bicep and reaching up to wipe away the lone tear which had fallen down her cheek in the time. "Hey, no _'what if?'_ s, hmm? Everything is going to work out just fine, Cher, I won't settle for anything less than that. But we _do_ need to go and see him and administration, just in case. We have about ten minutes before first period starts, we have time, but you have to try and calm down a bit and we have to figure out what we're going to say?"

 

"W-what do you mean?"

 

Cheryl spun around as she noticed Toni's line of vision changing to going straight over her shoulder, the click-clack of designer heels she couldn't miss making her turn around to see Veronica walking up to them with a broad but gentle and caring smile on her lips which she tried to copy.

 

"Hi Cheryl," the raven-haired girl held her arms out to open the redhead into a hug which Cheryl couldn't in any way decline, her smile growing at the proximity of one of her closest friends before she pulled away after a few second. "You're looking better than ever already! I'm so glad you're back." She turned to Toni with a wider smile to which the serpent returned happily. "How are you doing?"

 

"Better, Ronnie," Cheryl sighed, smiling at Toni as she said so which allowed the other girl to piece two and two together. "A lot better than I was. It's good to be back here."

 

Maybe that second bit was a lie; maybe it wasn't. That was yet to be decided.

 

"I'm glad," Veronica said with a validating nod, her wide smile fading slightly as she leaned in, lowering her voice just so that the three of them could hear. "Have you spoken to anyone yet? About maybe your mother?"

 

Toni shook her head. "We were about to go to admin, just now. Any clue what to say, Ronnie? We're kind of stuck, and you probably know better than the rest of us."

 

The raven-haired girl stepped back a little, chewing the inside of her cheek thoughtfully for a couple of moments before frowning. "You're going to have to tell them the truth, Cheryl. They are going to ask, with you being gone for such a long time, and they'll probably call home as a result. I know you probably don't want to, but it's what's safest, I suppose..."

 

Toni glanced up at the redhead quickly, judging her face for any expression as she she nodded, swallowing hard and painfully at Veronica’s suggestion, her hands shaking more and more as she struggled to keep her rhythm of breath steady before Toni reached across to hold her closer to her body, whispering for her to keep breathing with her under her breath.

 

“I understand.”

 

“You sure, Cher?” Toni asked with a shuddering breath. “What if Weatherbee calls the sheriff department or something–”

 

“First off, he probably won’t,” Veronica scoffed. “Secondly, the sheriff is Kevin’s dad, whose son is gay, so I’m guessing her has some empathy for that. And this town is so shit at investigating things, so...”

 

Cheryl bit her lip, clutching Toni tighter as if she was afraid to let go. “Stay with me?” Toni nodded immediately and surely, no question about it.

 

“I’m not letting you out of my sight, Cher, especially when she might be around,” she murmured against her skin, placing a soft kiss to her collarbone. “Not again.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY CHONI DAY! Short and sweet because AO3 kept deleting all my writing and I got kinda sick of it after a while... fun. I also need to plan out the next few chapters as I have a rough idea but yeah... In other news, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m doing once I finish this fic (not for a while – don’t worry) and I’ve written about 7K for that already if I can work what I’m doing out... but secrets, secrets. Anyway, enjoy tonight’s episode and I’ll try not to go insane from that Target ad like I always do?!


	21. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! Been so caught up in school, festivities, life, etc., that I haven’t had much free time or I’ve genunely been too exhausted to write! Hope you all had an amazing Christmas and New Year, if you celebrate, or just a great few weeks if you don’t :)
> 
> TW for mention of suicide attempt, and for the next chapter as well I guess? Yeah, I’m not the CW or a particular writer who abandons things for a season then brings them up kinda badly... or at least I hope I’m not?! Try not to be?!
> 
> Also, italics decided to disappear the second time I did them so I guess we’re gonna guess, hm?
> 
> Leave a comment to let me know what you think, as per - I always appreciate your feedback, be it good or constructive.
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO thank you for 500+ kudos! That’s been my goal since starting this fic and I love you all!

Apparently there had been 'private complications' with the redhead and her mother (hell, as if Toni didn't already knew that) which meant that Cheryl had to sit down and speak to Weatherbee for a longer duration, the principal consequently fleeing Toni to first period - which she opted not to go to, and she was grateful in Veronica also making that decision herself. Instead, the two girls, far ends of the social spectrum but still maybe friends at this point, close acquaintances if not that, had disappeared into the bathrooms closest to the main reception and sat against the wall closest to the door, opening it ever so slightly and standing up every so often to check where they were at.

 

She didn't know quite how long had passed, both bored and anxious out of their minds, the latter being a much more prominent issue for Toni who had got to the stage of peeking out every couples of minutes, but the first bell had sounded ages ago and they were still waiting, Weatherbee and Cheryl still in his office having some deep conversation, and the suspense was killing her.

 

"She'll be fine, Toni," Veronica had eventually sighed, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back down on the final time she'd stood up to pace in the past half hour or so. Toni had whined in complaint but obliged. "We're right by this paper thin door, we can hear everything going on in the hallway. And it's not like Weatherbee is going to let Penelope climb out of the window with Cheryl if she happens to be here, is he? We'll know."

 

The pink haired girl breathed shakily and inched closer to the wall at her right, eyes meeting Veronica's for a second before she flashed them away, too afraid of how she might look like and too afraid of the other girl further questioning her or telling her not to worry. How could she not worry? Penelope Blossom had taken Cheryl away before, that time in a public place, in front of people for crying out loud, and nobody had noticed. She didn't want to go through that again. She couldn't go through that again, that worry of not knowing where the hell her now-girlfriend was, the fear of the worst, everything.

 

Cheryl couldn't go through that again. Being back at school was a massive bargain in itself after all the trauma that she'd been through and Toni couldn't help but worry that morning before they had left the trailer, and now she felt torn into pieces by the fear of what was going on in his blind-proofed office, desperate to just go the fuck in there despite the subconscious knowledge that she wasn't allowed to be in there. What was the redhead doing now? What was she going through? What was she saying to Principle Weatherbee? How was she? Was she scared? Was Penelope coming for her? There were so many questions whirring around in the pink-haired girl's head and she didn't know the answers to any of them in the slightest.

 

It was like fucking torture.

 

"You need to calm down, Toni."

 

Her head snapped around to see Veronica peering at her with a worried expression, and she couldn't help but roll her eyes, struggling to bite her tongue and keep herself collected.

 

"What if this was Archie in there?" she snapped. The raven-haired girl cocked her head and scrunched her face up in a state of confusion.

 

"You- what?"

 

Toni tried to inhale a deep breath, closing her eyes and resting the back of her head against the wall behind before staring back up at where the tiled wall of the girls' bathroom met the ceiling.

 

"What if it was Archie in Weatherbee's office right now, less than a week after going through something particularly traumatic, and he could so easily face that again in an instance just like this one, and you weren't allowed to be in there to help him?" Toni turned her head to face the other girl beside her and Veronica acknowledged the haunted expression on her face, taking note of how her eyes were welling with tears and her voice seemed so... so different to what she knew of her, a tough gang member not really looking very tough anymore, and why the hell should she after the events of the past week? "How would you feel?"

 

She didn't mean for it to seem like a comparison of 'us and them, you and me', or like she was wishing that horror upon the other girl and the love of her life or anything like that. She really didn't. All that Toni wanted from the Latina was for her to try and understand her. She wanted her to put herself in her shoes. Maybe it was because of how different they were - one born into the upper class, the other born on the bathroom floor of a cramped apartment right on wrong side of the tracks - or how Toni had always been misunderstood even from a young age, especially since joining the gang in her early adolescenthood, how nobody thought she was the same as them when she really was just that, facing so much fucking discrimination from students and teachers alike when she was forced to endure the next two and a half or so years in this hellhole only a short while back, kicked right from her comfort zone into this weird, alien environment of cliques and middle class kids, where schoolwork was not longer done out of choice like it was as Southside High, but because she had to or else. She shook her head and pursed her lips, waiting for Veronica to deliver her answer, the brunette's frown and tired expression on her face deepening the more the other girl contemplated her response. Eventually the raven-haired girl sighed and opened her mouth to speak.

 

"Toni," she breathed, keeping her tone quiet enough so that any teacher passing by wouldn't hear them in here. "I can't say that I know what you guys are going through because I just can't, alright? I come from this world where parents treat their kids nicely and give them everything with love included, and until I moved here I thought the worst thing parents could do to their children was go away on vacation to some place and not take them along because of school or whatever other excuse," she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "It was only last year when I went to Jason's funeral and saw the way Penelope Blossom treated Cheryl that I started to not take my parents for granted. I remember just going up to my mom after that and all but thanking her for loving me and not hurting me, doing everything in her power to not let me get hurt by my dad and his actions and whatever else."

 

The pink haired girl stared and watched the other girl shudder at some apparent thought and she had an inkling what it could be but she didn't want to intrude. There was time, plenty of time, or at least that's what it felt like, the wait feeling like fucking forever and this was taking a good half of her mind off of the current situation, and if this was doubling up as both a distraction and an explanation of some kind or whatever, she was more than satisfied. There was a long pause before she continued, and in that time Toni found herself mentally thanking the other girl for at least trying to understand. In a way, it all made sense. They had both endured changes this year alone; Toni had moved from Southside High to Riverdale High. Veronica Lodge had moved from a big city to a small town with an ageing population. And they were both close friends of Cheryl, they had both rescued her last Wednesday night and they were both here for her now, and that was making Toni wonder why the hell she wanted to compare what she had to Veronica, what she'd been through compared to the what the other girl had been through, because did it really matter? They were doing what they could to help, and maybe their relationships to the redhead were different, Toni being her girlfriend and Veronica being her best friend, and maybe Veronica hadn't been with her this whole past half a week but she'd known her for, what, triple the time that she had, so they both knew things about the girl the other didn't, so what difference did it really make?

 

"A few months ago was my boyfriend's dad shot in front of him, and the killer still hasn't been caught," the raven-haired girl eventually said in one long breath. "The Black Hood is still haunting these streets and his dad is still at risk, Toni, and even though Archiekins won't outright admit it, I can tell he's scared that the same thing will happen with an even worse consequence. I'm terrified of it happening... I was there when he went through it and he was a state... he'd stay up late at night watching the front door, I swear to God, if it happens again... i-it could."

 

Toni could only watch as the other girl took a shaky breath, her fingers trembling atop of their position resting on her knees which were hugged close to her chest, her tone harrowing.

 

"He's still out there and I know that he knows he failed... he's trying to rid the sinners of this town and his dad survived, it's going to happen right? He's going to come back and try and finish him off for good and none of us know when that will be and I hate it."

 

The serpent thought back to when Nana Rose was in hospital and badly injured after falling down the stairs and how broken and scared Cheryl was at that time and how that was just the beginning of all this - the butterfly effect which led to her being taken to the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy, to her being saved by them, up until right now where she was in Weatherbee's office, god knows what was about to happen next or-

 

Toni pursed her lips after taking everything in and letting it circulate a few times before shifting slightly to face the other girl, trying to think of something to say, and she soon found that she could only chuckle humourlessly, eyes still glazed over with tears which she refused to let fall right now for she knew they wouldn't help a thing, fingernails scratching the black fabric of her jeans.

 

"It's always so much worse when someone you love is going through pain than when you are," she uttered unintentionally coldly. "It's like the can't help, at least not fully, because you're not them and you don't know what they're going through. When my parents died, at least I could try and sort the emotions out myself, I was in more control and I knew what I needed - to some degree, anyway - and I knew what I was feeling. I didn't make the most rational decisions over that, sure, but it was easier than it is now purely because I felt everything, I knew everything, and just now I kind of don't, and I don't want to do or say the wrong thing... wanting to help but not being able to help is the worst thing ever."

 

"Mm," Veronica hummed in agreement with a small shrug before pulling out her phone and fidgeting with the home button to try and make time pass quicker, Toni trying to do the same by squinting at the yellow doors of the toilet stalls and trying to decipher the graffiti upon it from a distance.

 

"I confronted Cheryl in this bathroom, y'know?" she said aloud, barely realising herself and making the other girl beside her perk up suddenly.

 

"What?"

 

The serpent smirked. "You were away on some-" she paused for a second and scrunched her eyebrows up in thought for a second before shrugging her defeat "-thing, and she called Jughead trying to make some shit go down, so I decided to confront her because I guess it kind of counts as serpent law... I mean..."

 

"That wasn't the only reason why you confronted her, though, was it, Antoinette?"

 

Toni chuckled.

 

"No... no, it wasn't."

 

The raven-haired girl did the same.

 

"Continue?"

 

"I kind of just told her that I knew she wasn't really alright because I... I could tell she wasn't alright?"

 

"Figured it out quicker than I did," Toni was pretty sure she heard the other girl mutter under her breath, but she chose to ignore it.

 

"Long story short, the next day Fangs kind of bailed on me at the cinema and she was there and so I confronted her again, but then this time she kind of straight up told me that that she wasn't okay, and we watched that movie together, then we went to Pops and she kind of... came out?"

 

God, to her it felt like a fucking novel and she hated putting it like that in one rushed sentence, it felt like such a violation against what they had.

 

Veronica went quiet for a moment as her previous smile seemed to melt down into a frown, her eyes filling with something she wasn't quite sure what before she turned to her with an expression which made Toni's grin of pride fade immediately.

 

Something was up... something was up and she didn't know what, she just knew that it was about her girlfriend and it was filling her with both worry and confusion.

 

"Toni..." the other girl started, slowly and carefully, voice trembling slightly as the words came out, and the brunette knew immediately that this wasn't good.. "Cheryl- I- has she told you a-about what happened last winter? Last October, I think?"

 

She felt her muscles tense and a lump form in her throat, sitting up straighter and fisting at the seams of her jeans in preparation for whatever was about to be said... it was going to be bad, she knew that, but she also knew from the other girl's expression that she had to know this...

 

October... October... that was when Jason's killer was found, right? That week in early October when FP was arrested, that quickly followed up by the real murderer being found, that being the girl's father who later hung himself, that fucking coward-

 

God, she didn't know what she was about to hear and half of her didn't want to, but she knew that it almost one hundred percent for definite had something to do with that, and that idea by itself was enough for the brunette to feel her throat dry up and close together, ribs squeezing her lungs as she held her breath.

 

"Veronica, what happened?" Toni uttered firmly, her expression turning stony as she began to imagine of the worst.

 

Was there even such thing as a 'worst' anymore? Was it humane to compare all these terrible things that the redhead had gone through to each other?

 

"I need to know," she continued. "I- just, please tell me?"

 

Veronica drew a deep breath and averted her vision back towards the wall opposite rather than meeting Toni's eyes, which only made the brunette panic more and more-

 

"Sweetwater River - it was frozen over that week from the early snow. Thinking back, it feels like that thing in literature - pathetic fallacy, or whatever, when..." she trailed off, shaking her head. "That's irrelevent... it doesn't matter, it's just something I've picked up since moving here; it always seems to be snowing when something bad happens."

 

It had been snowing the day Toni's mother had killed herself, she remembered, the memory stinging like a dagger in the heart.

 

"It was a few days after Clifford had hung himself, and we were all so caught up in shit," Veronica sighed. "And - I don't really know - maybe because of how the whole Jason Blossom case had been all I'd known of this town back then, when the killer was found it felt like the end of it. I know that it wasn't really, because FP was still in jail, but that whole time I'd been there, from the first full day I'd been living here those guys have been focused almost purely on Jason, and not even a week later were they all focused on trying to find the real killer of Jason. With Clifford found and him too - well - dead for any sentencing or legal stuff the town would be concerned with, it really felt like that part of our lives was over. And then my dad-"

 

Toni groaned loudly and rolled her eyes in frustration at the slowness of the conversation, blood pumping through her veins at such a fast pace in anticipation that it felt exhausting. "Please, Veronica - Cheryl. Cheryl. I don't care about your dad right now, he's all we ever seem to hear about in this town these days and especially in the southside, I'm sorry. Please - just tell me about what happened with Cheryl, I can tell that it's urgent and- and I really need to know, alright?"

 

The raven-haired girl nodded, biting down on her lip before she turned to face Toni with a fearful expression, eyes shooting all over looking for whatever Toni may be displaying on her face right now giving an insight into what to say before taking another deep breath...

 

And that's when everything came out.

 

"We didn't pay enough attention, none of us-" Veronica sighed. "Cheryl was in a dark place and none of us thought of that, we were just so relieved that the killer had been found and Betty and Jughead were all focused on FP, Archie too because him and Jughead have apparently been best friends forever, and I get that-"

 

"Cheryl," Toni reminded her calmly but with a sharp undertone. "Cheryl, Veronica; you don't need to throw reasons or excuses at me, okay? Just tell me what happened last October because I need to know, and we don't know how much time we have left until something happens..."

 

Cheryl was still in Weatherbee's office, and how much time had passed now? Each extra minute added on made the duration seem that extra bit more ridiculous, something could happen any minute now and as much as she wanted to know the whole story, it was quite literally a race against time right now and that meant that she couldn't.

 

"She hinted, she hinted at me so much, Toni, but for whatever reason I couldn't join together the dots well enough and the next-" Veronica gulped loudly "-the next thing I knew, we were standing at the edge of the frozen river trying to call Cheryl back to us-"

 

Toni's heart stopped and she felt as if her body had been slammed against a brick wall, knocking the air from her chest as her throat went stone dry and her eyes glazed over immediately.

 

No... no, no, no, no, no-

 

Cheryl, her Cheryl, had considered to do the unimaginable and hell she's not even surprised at that, but the fact that she not only considered it but also tried to go through with it-

 

She can feel her heart racing painfully, a whimper escaping her throat as she stares as Veronica, who's staring back at her like a rabbit in the headlights.

 

"Toni-"

 

"Please, Veronica," she rasps out, a sob threatening her throat at the mere thought, "please tell me that she didn't do what I'm thinking of right now."

 

There's no answer, and it just confirms it.

 

"W-wh-" Toni tries to sound out, her voice trembling but the tears welling in her eyes miraculously still not falling, she knows that won't last for long "-what happened? Did-"

 

The brunette wasn't exactly sure why nor how, but she doesn't feel shocked like she knows that she should, the emotion coursing through her body one more of fear than anything else-

 

She was telling the redhead about her mothers attempt, her own damn attempt only on Saturday night. What if either of those triggered her? She felt so damn stupid - why hasn't she thought of that before?

 

"Archie saved her life... h-he broke his hand in the process of it, and never have I ever felt more grateful for him than I did then. If he wasn't there-"

 

It's okay, Toni, he was, she's here still, and thank fuck for that because she literally almost wasn't, she almost died-

 

She doesn't even listen to anything else Veronica says because the only thing trying to process itself in her head right now is the fact that Cheryl literally almost fucking died, and what kills more is the fact that she wanted to die.

 

Why didn't she tell Toni? Was she too scared of being rejected like everyone else seemed to have rejected her? Didn't she trust her? What if she still has those thoughts, they don't leave just like that, she knows that through and through...

 

Veronica sighed from beside her. "I feel sick about it... what if she hadn't text me and just did it? I missed all the hints entirely, something was up but I just didn't know what..."

 

"It isn't your fault," Toni sounds out from beside her breathily, and it sounded like she was trying to make herself believe that as well... god, she didn't even know Cheryl back then, what if she'd been successful and they'd never met? Life without Cheryl felt like nothing at all having known her know, having loved her now, and she could be dead...

 

_She could be dead. She could be laid to rest six feet under in some graveyard of her most likely evil ancestors and family members. But she wasn't._

 

The brunette wiped her eyes and drew in a deep breath.

 

_She was here... she was alive right now, and she was in this building. That couldn't have been said this time one week ago, right?_

 

God, she wasn't going to ever let go of her again. She wasn't going to let her fall that far, she wasn't going to allow her to reach that level of depression again, the real emotion the felt right now was pure determination. She wasn't angry at Veronica because she was one of the major reasons why Cheryl was alive right now, she couldn't feel anger at anybody apart from Clifford and Penelope Blossom - both if not individually - who Toni knew were major influences in what she had tried to do to herself those six months ago, their existence almost killed her and those were the people who had given her life, brought her into this world, how fucking dare they-

 

The brunette's thoughts were interrupted as the door to the bathroom almost took out her face for how close she was sat next to it, and she only looked up milliseconds before she was due to curse at them, and thank fuck she did because she was now leaping up to her feet, movement slightly affected by the cramp in her thigh from sitting in her position in the floor for so long, almost running to the redhead and wrapping her arms immediately around her waist, too damn relieved for her existence right now and too afraid to let go in fear that she'd disappear like a ghost. Cheryl gasped in surprise at the other girl's urgency, looking down to Veronica was a confused expression only to find the raven-haired girl picking at her wine coloured acrylics, and she didn't think to further question that, just as relieved as Toni to be in her girlfriend's arms again.

 

"W-what happened in there? You were there for ages, Cher?" Toni panted out in desperate breaths, her chest heaving for a few seconds from the sudden movement. She pulled away, examining the redhead's face and taking in her slightly disgruntled appearance, but besides that she was fine.

 

No; she was perfect. She was alive, and here, and well, and Toni swore that she'd never take those things for granted anymore.

 

"Complicated legal admin things, TT- I don't really know, to be honest, i-it was a lot to take in but things have been sorted with my mum, in a way," she said shakily, not really sure what to delve into first but the look on her girlfriend face was determined and she knew that she had to explain at one point or another. She slumped down against the wall opposite Veronica, Toni opting to take the space on her side this time as oppose to the other girl's and sliding as close to her as possible.

 

She didn't want to lose her... she was being clingy, she knew that, but after this past week and what had been said these past fifteen minutes it was rather fucking hard _not_ to be.

 

"I told Weatherbee about the Sisters, Toni," she whispered, biting down on her lip and reaching across for her girlfriend's hand for her comfort. "Not everything, very little actually - just enough to persuade him not to call my mum to tell her I'm in school and keep her from saying anything about me - but I told him."

 

The redhead felt a lump growing in her throat and tears prick her eyelids, but she wouldn't let them fall... she couldn't.

 

"What did he say?" Toni asked quietly.

 

"He's going to look some stuff up about it, maybe get someone involved or something - I don't really know, to be honest, TT, I wasn't paying my full attention to him, I was really just more concerned with him not picking the phone up to call my mother," she sighed shaking, squeezing the shorter girl's hand and then letting off a quick, humourless laugh. "He told me he's going to try and get me in with the school counsellor this week, too, and I don't really know how I feel about that, so..." she trailed off, staring into thin air with an unreadable expression on her face.

 

Toni offered her a small, encouraging smile after a couple of moments of taking everything in.

 

"That's good, right, Cher?"

 

The redhead chuckled roughly once again. "What about?"

 

"Well, both things, I guess," Toni cocked her head, widening her smile as she pulled the redhead closer into her chest. "You have less of your mother to worry about now, hm?"

 

"Only in school, Toni," Cheryl reminded her with a sad smile. "In the outside world's it's the same." Toni squeezed her hand again.

 

"We're going to figure something out about that, though, right?" God, the thought of Penelope snatching her and dragging Cheryl away from her felt like a blow to the chest and she tried to shove it right back to the back of her mind. "That's more than possible, especially with Weatherbee perhaps doing something about the Sisters Of Quiet Mercy, even if it's just minor? The dude actually might be doing something useful for once instead of giving us serpents detention for no reason, hm?" Cheryl giggled into the other girl's hair, rolling her eyes. She remembered those times. One serpent did something wrong and they'd all be punished. Things had improved, sure, but that was mainly because the gang had decided to stop messing around on the most part as as it was purely a waste of their time rather than the staff and other students accepting them and their background and their identities. "What about school counsellor, hm? That might help?"

 

Cheryl shook her head.

 

"I don't know, Toni," she started hesitantly, chewing at the inside of her cheek as she paused. "It's like talking to a stranger. What is she going to think, or say, or...?"

 

The brunette half smiled and shrugged. "I'd hope that she'd say something to _help_ you, Cheryl. That's her job; not to put people down or make them feel like crap. Maybe talking to someone about this _and other stuff_ would help?" She couldn't help but place exaggeration on that, especially now.

 

"Maybe."

 

"Give it a chance, Cheryl," Veronica piped up from opposite them, making the two girls turn to face her. "You can't keep everything up there forever. It isn't healthy."

 

The taller girl shook her head, turning back to bury her face in Toni's shoulder, the serpent going to rub her back immediately.

 

"Why can't I just talk to you?" she whined in desperation.

 

"You can, Cher," the brunette nodded, speaking softly and choosing her words carefully, "of course you can talk to me about things, you know that. I'm always here to talk, and I _want_ to, I _do_ Cheryl," She brushed a loose strand of hair from her eyes. "But I'm only so much help. I'm not a trained therapist, and I can't offer you what they can nor do I know what they do. Plus, I have no power legally, and they do have some. Even if it's only those few times Weatherbee sorts for you, please just go, alright?"

 

The bell for second period interrupted her answer but Toni didn't need to hear it as she took the other girl's hand in hers and she squeezed her confirmation. Second period of the day and things were already working out. Things were going back to the way they were, but they were going to be better, and Cheryl was going to have some normality in her life once again if not for the first time in forever. But as one box had been cleared another had been filled, and Toni couldn't help herself from silently panicking at what had come out earlier, watching the redhead move down the main locker-lined hallway of Riverdale High in nothing but fear and concern and a thousand other overwhelming emotions.


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo erm I’m sorry for the LONG wait to update - I’ve been crazy busy with school, I have mocks in two weeks and a bunch of coursework deadlines have ganged up on me recently as well... I have actually done a lot of writing recently but just not for this, although I did find 3h tonight to write (cri) the penultimate chapter for this so there you are! TW for mentions of suicide.

It... it was a lot to consider. A hell of a lot to consider, actually, especially between semi-listening to whatever academic content teachers were putting in her head and consequently filing into the pile called 'what the fuck even if this?', or at least what was happening with what wasn't going in one ear and out of the other, which the majority of it had, in fact. Not that she could help it, nor did she want to. She was pretty sure that her girlfriend's fucking life was a million times more valid right now than algebra.

 

Thank the lord the teachers were cutting her some slack, one or two commenting on how she'd had the past few days off school 'unwell' and that posing to be a great excuse given the circumstances, otherwise she wasn't too sure how she would have coped. The worrying was hard enough this past week, and now - now after what Veronica had told her? She felt sick to her stomach.

 

She'd done pretty well at concealing that from the redhead, though. They'd spent every free second at school together, choosing to go and eat their lunch in a classroom as opposed to the cafeteria because honestly neither of them wanted to be around other wandering eyes questioning what the hell had happened, where Cheryl had disappeared to this past fortnight, so on. The redhead had only picked up on Toni's - to quote - "strange" behaviour on one instance, and thank god to that because a pretty outdated classroom wasn't the place she wanted to ask the other girl what had happened at the lake.

 

Even now, quarter past nine at night, sat on the pull-out couch not really know how to feel or what to do with the boys out god knows where, Toni didn't want to be having that discussion. She didn't want to talk about it ever, because she didn't want to believe it had happened, she didn't want to believe that Cheryl had ever reached such an unthinkable low, but at the same time she didn't want to disregard it because what the fuck would that be doing?

 

Just, where did she address it? How? Was she supposed to wait for the redhead come to her in her own time, like the pink-haired girl had about her family and herself only a couple of days prior to this one, or just straight up ask? It wasn't something easy like that. Quite literally, this was an issue of life or death (she kept telling herself that the big thing was life, thank fuck for that) and it couldn't be regarded like that in such a way.

 

"What's wrong, TT?"

 

The shorter girl was pulled from her daze by the soft voice of the redhead who was knelt on the floor below her, elbow resting on the coffee table as she wrote up the tenth page that night of the class notes given to her by Veronica which she still hadn't completed. Even without the expensive fountain pen she would have used before this whole... thing... happened, they were flawless, a million times neater than Toni's scrawled notes. That made the pink-haired girl smile to herself. Her handwriting was neat, not like the handwriting in the notes the other girl had lent her in courtesy of her being there for her if it weren't anything more at that stage, and whilst that would probably not mean a thing to many people, it meant the world to Toni.

 

It meant that she was happy. Or, at least, it meant that she was okay.

 

That only made this more conflicting for the pink-haired girl. She didn't want to forfeit the other girl's happiness in this moment by bringing up old skeletons in the closet-

 

"Hm?"

 

The redhead turned around to look at the shorter girl with a half smile and a shrug.

 

"Are you alright?"

 

Toni sighed heavily before leaning down to run her fingers through the other girl's red locks with a sigh, trying to make her own smile as reassuring and genuine as possible.

 

"I'm just thinking about things, Cher."

 

Contemplating was a better word than thinking, she supposed.

 

The redhead frowned, tilting her head to the side in slight confusion.

 

"What sort of things?"

 

"Things," the brunette shrugged. "Don't worry about it, Cher. I'll talk when I find the words and the moment."

 

That didn't sound dodgy as hell, right?

 

If it did, Cheryl didn't seem to pick up on it.

 

"I've probably already asked you this, but how was school today?" the brunette asked softly after a short while. "After that whole thing this morning, I mean. We haven't had the chance to catch up, really, hm?"

 

It was true. They'd sat together at lunch - or, more accurately, they had decided to leave the lunch hall and sit in a more private classroom over that period, the stares and whisperings in the hallways enough already and as much as a safe space from that as they could find being an empty English classroom down the far corridor - and whenever they could in their lessons, but school didn't involve much talking, and they didn't share every lesson together. There had been time for simple small talk across their seats, an odd conversation in the hallway and when they got home, but besides that, not much else.

 

Cheryl sighed, looking away from her girlfriend for a long moment and staring off into the distance, out of the window across from the couch she'd grown so acclimatised to these past couple of weeks.

 

"I'm okay, Toni. It was okay. I don't really know what else to say... it was school, I guess?" the redhead exhaled when she met eyes with the shorter girl again, averting her gaze quickly as if she was lying, but more so because she didn't know how to make what she was saying sound convincing to Toni, who had spent the whole night and most of the afternoon, to be honest, staring at her as if she was going to break apart if she looked away for one second. "It felt like school... but not?"

 

She was stumbling over her words, her train of thought beginning to wander. Why was this so hard? Why was talking so hard? She used to be so confident... even in the days of being in Penelope's (and Clifford's, when he'd been alive, of course) hands of abuse, she'd been more confident then. Maybe because she'd been so used to putting up a front for all those years, with her being so practised in that to the point where it almost felt real, and now that she was with Toni she couldn't do that, or at least that it didn't seem fair to do that. Sweet Toni, who could see right through her to her softer core, and who could see the painful fractures in her soul however hairline they seemed to everybody else. And, honestly, maybe she subconsciously didn't even feel the need to put up that front anymore. She didn't have to lie to her, and that thought had never even crossed her mind, really; she didn't want to lie to her... she couldn't lie to her.

 

"Where's your head, babe?" the pink-haired girl sighed, shuffling closer to the redhead and throwing an arm around her neck, pulling her closer into a hug. Cheryl sighed and shook her head.

 

"I don't know, TT," she barely acknowledged the tears in her eyes until the other girl's hand reached up to brush them away with the softest touch. "I feel so different... I don't know. With this all coming to an end, with something maybe finally happening about the Sisters, even about my mother, I feel... lost? My whole life she's been there, having an impact, trying to hurt me or getting me to hurt myself-" the serpent felt her heart tear at that and she hoped that the sharp wince that followed had gone unnoticed by the other girl "-and soon that might all be over. Soon, she might not ever be able to hurt me again..."

 

"Will," Toni corrected with a warm smile, pulling the other girl tighter into her arms in a gentle squeeze which she made sure not to be too overwhelming or triggering for the other girl. "Will, Cheryl. Soon, your mother will not ever be able to hurt you again. That's a promise I will never break... that woman isn't touching a hair on your head ever again, I swear to you."

 

A quiet sob fell from the taller girl's lips from relief. Toni shook her head, brushing away the fresh tears and hushing her girlfriend once again, feeling her own tears begin to prick her eyes.

 

Frankly, she was afraid as well. She was so, so afraid. She had no clue what would happen in the future concerning guardianship or whatever. Wasn't inheritance money only available from a certain age? That would have an effect on what happened after this. And they couldn't live in Sweet Pea's trailer forever. Toni didn't even want to think about what actions her mother would take to stop whatever happened from happening... Cheryl's uncle as well, whom the redhead seemed terrified of. What happened if the actions taken weren't enough, or if the courts decided to not take any actions at all? What if the case wasn't strong enough, or if there wasn't enough evidence about what Penelope had done or how she had treated her, and she went back to live with her, who would only try once again to separate the two of them and even harder at that? What if the Sisters denied all charges, and the jury believed them? That would result in more kids going to the Sisters, the same physical and emotional torment Cheryl received - god, Toni hated that thought - being passed on to them, the security even stricter now after the nuns have probably realised their centuries old walls weren't enough to keep people out, let alone in...

 

Promises were too hard to keep. You always wanted to keep them, promised to somebody that you would, but in a world full of twists and turns and terrible parents and trauma and tears, that just wasn't possible. And it hurt. A lot.

 

"Veronica told me something today," the shorter girl whispered out of the blue, staring back down at her knees and trying to keep the tears in her eyes from falling. No. It wasn't her turn to cry. They didn't need her pain, not only about the other girl's attempt on her life but also of her mother's successful attempt on her life all those years ago, to add to this already painful conversation they were about to have. "About how last year you went down to the river... when it was frozen... and-"

 

"No, TT."

 

Cheryl's words were as icy as that river must have been that day... it had been cold last October, a constant covering over snow and ice which didn't go away for a month, rather fitting for the tone of what happened in this town around that time with Clifford Blossom being discovered to shoot his son in cold blood...

 

"Cheryl-"

 

"Toni, I said no."

 

Toni could hear how damn shaky the other girl's voice was, and reaching down to rest a finger over the pulse point on her pale wrist she could feel just how rapidly her heart was beating. Suddenly she was overwhelmed with conflict. As she'd said so many times before in the past week alone, she wasn't going to push her to say anything... she'd been through trauma, as had Toni, and the mere thought of her telling someone her life story was overwhelming as hell. She couldn't break down that trust, not now, not with all this. But something as serious as this? God, this was fucking suicide. It was _deadly_ serious. She couldn't just ignore it, or let the other girl keep it from her, because that wasn't a safe thing to do. She had to know...

 

Tentatively, the brunette reached across the wipe the other girl's quickly escaping tears from her eyes, and sighed.

 

"You can't keep it from me forever, Cheryl," she whispered in the other girl's ear after planting a kiss on her cheek. "You can trust me. You know that you can?"

 

She couldn't keep her tone from rising as if it was a question. Toni guessed that maybe it was meant to be a question, or at least she was supposed to imply that it was one. God - she couldn't jump to conclusions.

 

"I know, TT, just-"

 

"Just what?"

 

More tears fell from the redhead at the other girl's caring tone, her hands trembling as she shook her head probably quick enough to give her whiplash. Another sob rose from her chest and she tucked herself closer to the shorter girl, the brunette's fingers beginning to comb through her hair in hope that it would have some calming effect on her, hushing her softly as she could only cry.

 

"It's okay, Cher," she could hear Toni murmur, her lips rested on her forehead and that muffling whatever she was saying. "Just breathe, okay? Keep breathing? You can tell me when you're ready... just as long as you don't keep it from her, please?"

 

Cheryl sobbed harder at the concern in her voice until she cried herself tired, the other girl right there the whole time and shedding tears of her own.

 

No wonder, the redhead thought. She must be scared as hell about this.

 

There it was. The guilt was back.

 

She pulled away after several minutes, going to lie down on the couch in a more comfortable position with Toni's arm still firmly secured around her waist, her body warming hers in this chilly tin box of a trailer. The redhead took a few deep breaths before shaking her head and looking down to the torn fabric of the couch, unable to meet the other girl's eyes.

 

It happened months ago. She wouldn't even think about it most days. Sure, she still did think about it, and she had almost every day recently, multiple times a day in the clutches of the Sisters when she had been left alone with nothing but her own, terrifying, so-called 'deviant' thoughts for the majority of the day and night there to haunt her though and through. But was it still irrelevant? She didn't feel that way anymore... at least, Cheryl thought she didn't. The existence of a certain southside serpent may have helped in that, not that the other girl would probably appreciate hearing that, the redhead was aware that it really wasn't supposed to be healthy to base the whole reason why she was alive on one person.

 

Except it wasn't really one person, was it? It did feel like one person, Toni being that, but it wasn't. The number of time's Veronica had asked if she was alright since she'd arrived... it wasn't enough, sure, but she was still making the effort and she couldn't name any other person who had. Apart from Josie, perhaps, but she'd scared her long gone now, and she hadn't even told her about her suicide attempt, too ashamed of what her longest-time friend would think if she confessed about the demons she'd faced, her mother, the fact that she once tried to take her own life... the thing was, Josie cared too much; much alike Jason, who was - well...

 

Jason had been the reason why she had tried to kill herself, really. Not really him, but his death. His death, and the truth around his death, had driven her completely over the edge, Penelope Blossom being the final push to the point which she had once believed was that of no return... long gone, and never coming back, for death was permanent.

 

"There isn't much to it, TT, seriously," Cheryl sighed eventually, shaking her head and still refusing to look up at the other girl due to god knows that. "I went to Sweetwater River way back in October, a few days after my father did it to himself. My mother had put the idea in my head... I was feeling like crap anyway and I didn't know what to do; I felt lost, I guess, with Jason's killer finally being caught and the resolution never going to be complete, and I didn't want to move on with my life like people would expect I would... I realised that it would just be me and her in that big mansion filled with ghosts, every inch of that house a reminder of pain, and things would only get worse as things returned to normality. I couldn't think of any other solution to the pain. I couldn't continue anymore, TT," she sniffled, more tears falling to the ground and her voice becoming shaky yet again. "I was scared of the future and I guessed the only way to not be scared of that was to have no future..."

 

"Cheryl-"

 

Looking up to the brunette was a bad decision, Cheryl figured when she saw the tear tracks on the other girl's cheeks, and she was quick to avert her gaze once again.

 

"I couldn't continue anymore. There wasn't anything left for me. Things were only going to get w-worse, and I f-felt so l-lost-"

 

Cheryl buried her head in her hand as she sobbed hard, tears coming thick and fast at the thought alone, and Toni moved closer to her, wrapping her arms around the other girl and moving them into a position which was more comfortable as the redhead just cried and cried for what felt like hours.

 

The things she'd do to take every ounce of pain away, Toni thought to herself as a particularly painful sob ripped through her body, hushing the other girl and whispering sweet nothings and simple reminders that she was right there with her to the redhead until she calmed down from her state, both girls then laying still in each other's arms, cherishing the fact that each other was alive and here more than anything else in the world, until Toni opened her mouth to speak again in nothing louder than a whisper.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

The redhead remained silent and still, too tired of crying to do much else besides just listen.

 

"I love you."

 

Those three words - eight letters, one meaning - made the redhead scrunch her eyes closed more, biting down hard on the inside of her cheek in weak attempt to stop more tears from falling, a combination of those of pain and those of happiness as well.

 

Toni sighed and ran her thumb over the redhead's cheekbone, a small smile on her features as she took in her how damn beautiful she was, but a tear falling at the thought of her not being here, more so of never knowing her, which could be all too possible if it weren't for Veronica, for Betty and Jughead and for Archie being there to save her that day. She'd never been so grateful to anybody, she swore...

 

"Cheryl, hey, please listen to me," she murmured, only loud enough for the redhead to her, swallowing to keep her emotions from tearing her voice to shreds. She waited to be sure that the redhead had more of her attention on her than the stains of probably coffee and pizza and god knows what else on the couch before continuing, taking another deep breath.

 

"It sounds cliche, I know, and like this belongs in a scene of a book or a tv show or a film or something... but please make me the first person you talk to if you ever have those thoughts again. I can't imagine the thought of you disappearing, or choosing to do something like that under whatever influence, or you thinking that the world would be a better place without you in it because your mother tried to influence you with her fucked up, cult-ish beliefs, okay?" she didn't bother wiping the tears as more fell, knowing that only more would come to follow, and she was pretty sure that Cheryl was following that now as well. "You can't die, Cheryl Blossom. You can't. The world wouldn't be the same without you... I don't want to say goodbye. The world can't say goodbye yet... it's too soon... honestly, Cheryl, it will be time for you to leave and on that note, it's not too late for you to start properly living either, rather than just existing. We're sixteen... we have our whole life ahead of us and no shitty parents or shitty uncles or shitty backstories can prevent that from being perfect."

 

"Toni-"

 

The brunette put a hand up in the air to cut the other girl off, a small laugh coming with that as well from both of the girls as Cheryl wiped her eyes in poor attempt.

 

"I'm not done... I'm sorry, Cheryl, but I just have to say this now or-" she shrugged, chucking to herself again almost satirically "-I don't even know. But I wouldn't bother wiping your eyes just yet, Cheryl Bombshell, because I know I'm not."

 

God, this was too serious a topic to start joking, but Cheryl wasn't complaining. They needed some happiness in their life and if this was what it would be right now, so be that.

 

"Anyway," Toni continued, her tone slightly more solemn again than just a second ago, "I just want you to know that I'm always here if you need to talk, and you fucking know that already because I say that every damn second of the day, so why the fuck am I repeating myself?" Cheryl laughed again, shaking her head at her girlfriend but quietening down slightly as the slightly raised eyebrow and look which all but said aloud that she was being completely serious. "But we are going to find you a therapist."

 

Cheryl's expression changed suddenly and she whined in protest, but Toni didn't seem to be letting her points slip. But Toni never had... from that day in the bathroom, Toni had been straight with her priorities, not letting go of the fact that she knew that the redhead was in pain and desperate need of somebody out there to just exist. And look where that had got them both...

 

"You've been hurting for a long time and I don't have the qualifications or knowledge to help to a professional's standard. And that might be scary, I know, especially after that last load of so-called therapy shoved down your throat-" Toni spat those words out in disgust at the mere thought of what had happened at the Sisters, her hatred for those inhuman human beings never due to die down no matter how old she grew or what would rightfully be coming for them in the future "-but it isn't going to be like that. And we'll find you the best one for you which can help with everything with your mother, the Sisters, you're mental health... they can't hurt you, Cheryl. They're there to help... I'll never let anyone hurt you, else they'll have hell to pay. That's a promise I can keep."

 

The redhead bit her lip in thought as she stared at the other girl for a while before hesitantly nodding. The word 'therapy' had lots any good in its meaning with the Sisters, but Toni was right. She wouldn't make her go anywhere she wasn't comfortable going, or do anything she wasn't comfortable doing, but talking to somebody would help, and that was something she had always subconsciously known but pushed to the back of her mind every time she'd refused a 'mandatory' meeting with the school counsellor following Jason's death after what her mother had said about her reputation. In the past, she'd prioritised her pride too much, and, honestly, what good had that ever done? Pushing people away had only pushed her further down into a pit of darkness and loneliness. On the other hand, letting Toni in had given her the hand up out of that hole she was being helped out of.

 

Before she could take a second thought, the redhead had lifted herself up from the sofa on her elbow and leaned over to lock lips with the other girl, who seemed taken aback with a gasp of surprise escaping from her, but she leaned in the same and deepened the kiss, her hands moving the the redhead's neck, only pulling apart to pant for breath.

 

"I love you," the redhead whispered, "I love you and-"

 

Toni stared back cautiously, biting her lip as she nodded, getting on at what the other girl was trying to imply but hesitating nonetheless at the sudden hastiness following, well, a serious conversation like that. "I love you, Cher, and me too, but are you sure? I-"

 

Cheryl nodded, cupping the other girl's face with that look in her eyes and reaching to the collar of her shirt.

 

"I'm sure, Toni. I'm sure - I want you... I-I need you. Please, I'm sure."

 

The brunette looked up at her, meeting her eyes for clear consent - not the first time she would, nor the only way she would nonetheless - before smiling and reaching for the hem of the shirt she had lent the redhead, going in to for an even deeper kiss.

 

And in that moment, they were just two girls in love, the cruel world they lived in non-existent and the only people who mattered at any level being each other, nothing nor anybody else able to come between them and what they had ever again, not afraid of whatever it took because never again would they completely break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for the ending :|

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and have a lovely day! Follow my twitter @daisofrvd or my tumblr @writteninurheart if you wish!


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